Perfect Creature

JULY 18, 2007

GENRE: VAMPIRE
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Man, if I was the slightest bit limber, I would kick myself for not checking out a theatrical screening of Perfect Creature a week or so ago. I saw the invite, and my response was “Why would I want to go see a direct to video movie in a theater?” (This was only the response in my head. I was much more professional in reality: I just deleted the email without replying at all). And now that I watched it at home, my thoughts are the exact opposite: this movie SHOULD have been theatrically released.

It’s no masterpiece, but it’s certainly a cut above what you would expect for a DTV vampire movie (starring Dougray Scott no less! Fuckin Ian, like you could ever compete with Mike). And it is in fact pretty damn good. Fans of films like Equilibrium and V for Vendetta should certainly appreciate the production design, which looks like a combination of 19th century London, 1940’s Germany, and a modern New York slum. I’m a sucker for alternate reality meshes of time and setting.

The plot’s not too shabby either. Vampires and humans peacefully co-exist, until the requisite evil vampire threatens that. His brother and two human cops reluctantly join together to stop him. But it’s not as silly as it sounds; in fact the film is deadly serious, and it's the better for it. It’s also refreshingly light on boring battles, a la Underworld or whatever passes for a modern vampire movie. Going against expectations is definitely one of writer/director Glenn Standring’s goals, and he often achieves them.

Plus Saffron Burrows is in it. Horror fans may remember her as the girl who needlessly stripped down to her underwear in Deep Blue Sea and then got badly edited out of the final scene because everyone realized that no one would like her character. She’s much more likeable here, and still hot. I can’t believe that movie came out 8 years ago already. Seems like just yesterday I was watching it back to back with a 2nd viewing of Blair Witch Project. Ah the good ol’ days, when horror movies were financially successful and good enough to pay to see a 2nd time.

Ironically, despite looking much better and more professional than any DTV film I have ever seen (except maybe Theodore Rex), the only real problem I have with the film is that it feels severely under-produced at times. It’s also very short (89 minutes), and it feels like they had to cut parts out due to a lack of resources. Or, I dunno, maybe they intended it to be the first of a trilogy or something. The head vampire (Stuart Wilson) character, for example, just disappears at the beginning of the 3rd act. There was a point where I switched my DVD display on to see how much was left, assuming there was like 40 minutes or so, only to discover there wasn’t even half that.

Still though, highly recommended, especially if you are like me (or in fact are me) and sick of typical vampire movies.

And is this a Horror Movie A Day record? I liked 3 movies in a row? And the one I’m seeing tomorrow stars Mary McCormack, so it’s already safe from the ‘crap’ basket.

What say you?

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Vampire,

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Deadtime Stories (1986)

JULY 17, 2007

GENRE: ANTHOLOGY, COMEDIC
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!!!)

I had really strong déjá vu when watching Deadtime Stories. I must have seen it as a kid. But it seems I would have remembered a movie where a kid named Brian (a name eerily similar to my own) is terrorized by his demented uncle and then killed by the goofiest looking closet monster in cinematic history.

What WOULDN’T have impressed me as a young lad was the amazing opening credits song. Holy shit! This song is almost on a Shocker soundtrack level of amazingness. A sample lyric: “Both buckets of gore, were spilled ages before, George Romero, Hitchcock or De Palma!”. Now, being a normal human being (of sorts), I cannot begin to tell you what the fuck sense that makes (since when did Hitchcock have more than a drop or two of blood? And who the hell compares Romero to those two?), but it’s amazing either way. I simply must obtain a copy. Or copy it off the DVD somehow. That is a song I would like to blast out the window as I drive around the rough streets of Sherman Oaks.

Sadly, the song ends, and the movie begins proper. And what a doozy it is. Starring an inordinate amount of men with perms, it starts off as simply bad and slowly becomes more and more hilarious until it becomes a full blown farce in the 3rd story.

This sets the tone perfectly for this story.

Like the other stories, it is a modern take on an old fairy tale, in this case Goldilocks and the Three Bears. But here, the Bears are a family of robbers (two of whom are in the aforepictured institution) and Goldilocks is a murdering whore with telekinesis. There are also a couple of dueling cops, a Laraine Newman-ish reporter, and a whole lot of random and silly sound effects (personal favorite, the two cops are punching each other and we hear what sounds like a gym class rubber ball bouncing off the bleachers). It also has what is strangely becoming a Budget Pack staple: a retarded man being seduced by a hot chick (though at least here he knows what’s going on). Where the first two stories(poorly) attempted to be somewhat scary, with just a few fleeting odd bits (like the ‘alternate ending’ of the first story), this one is just off the map ridiculous. And great.

The 2nd story is actually kind of good, in a budget pack sort of way anyway. A werewolf who gets sleeping pills from the pharmacy (while in human form) to keep himself from going nuts is pretty cool. Beats running around a wax museum and giving Christina Ricci the finger anyway. And he knows obscure Bible characters!

Back to the uncle though: What the fuck is wrong with this guy? He tells a little kid stories about whores, drug dealers, robbers, himbo priests… what kind of asshole uncle is this? Can't he just diddle the kid like a normal uncle? He doesn’t even get his comeuppance at the end, as the filmmakers choose to murder the little kid instead of him. Nice.

I think I love this movie.

What say you?

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Anthology, Chilling Classics, Comedic,

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Wendy French's "Full of It"

Wendy French's novels are sMothering, Going Coastal, After the Rice, and the recently-released Full of It.

Here she sketches the plot of the new novel, then explores the casting for a possible film adaptation:

The plot of Full of It is as follows:

Lauren Peterson has a brand new life, but no idea what to do with it.

After calling off her engagement, she's single for the first time in years and ready to take on the world. Instead, she discovers that starting over isn't all it's cracked up to be.

When a spinster aunt she barely remembers bequeaths her a house in Portland, Oregon, Lauren intends to fix it up and flip it for a tidy profit. However, her big mouth (which is always a step ahead of her brain) has other ideas, and before she knows it, she's moving in.

As Lauren takes on the task of making the house into home, she discovers plenty of surprises and colorful neighbors to shake things up. From faulty wiring and a new sinkhole in the living room, to the salty curmudgeon next door, Lauren's new life is heading in unexpected directions. Her friends and family think she's making a grave mistake, but for the first time ever, it might not be Lauren's mouth, but her heart that will finally come out ahead.
____________

When writing, I see the characters and action taking place in my head, sometimes with a soundtrack, so the concept of a movie adaptation certainly has appeal. If I were to cast Full of It, I might do it a little like this:

Lauren

This is my fourth novel and, strangely enough, if I imagine an actress playing any of my narrators, I always think of Eliza Dushku. She seems to be able to balance sarcasm and vulnerability very well, which would be a nice fit for Lauren. Other choices would be Julia Stiles, Rachel McAdams or Zooey Deschanel, all of whom can cover the sarcastic angle and can also play frazzled when necessary, which is important.

Patty Melt

As the kooky next door neighbor with a bit of an edge, I'd love to see someone like Kathy Bates (though she's too young) or Gena Rowlands. There's brassiness to the character, as well as tenderness, and I think Ms. Rowlands would be excellent.

Ethan

The love interest/taxidermist is on the sensitive side and I picture someone like Henry Thomas (of E.T. fame), Ryan Gosling or an Orlando Bloom-esque fellow. A gentle guy who can come through in the crunch.

Thomas

He's only five and I can't think of any actors in his age group, but he's a bit of a sweet smartypants, like Jonathan Lipnicki in Jerry Maguire. An unknown little guy would be nice.

Rachel

I can see Lauren's beautiful best friend, who is a bit distant at times, being played by Claire Danes.

The transition to film may never happen, but it sure is entertaining to think about the possibilities....

Read more about Full of It at Wendy French's website.

--Marshal Zeringue

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Infection (Kansen)

JULY 16, 2007

GENRE: ASIAN, PSYCHOLOGICAL
SOURCE: CABLE (HDNET)

The very first J-Horror film I ever watched was called Parasite Eve (Parasaito Ivu), which I didn’t care for, due to the film’s severe lack of light RPG battles and weapon upgrading. And even though I couldn’t remember a goddamn thing about it, I had severe déjà vu when watching Infection. A quick check of the IMDb revealed that, huzzah! Same director (Masayuki Ochiai)! Man likes his hospitals.

This one’s a lot better though. In fact it’s probably one of my favorite of the sub-genre. For starters, there is only ONE spooky little kid in the whole movie, and he’s not a ghost or anything, he just has a penchant for wearing a mask of that beckoning cat’s face. Also, while it doesn’t make any sense in the traditional way, it’s never entirely incoherent, nor do I feel stupid after watching it (like I did after Tale of Two Sisters).

The concept of a virus that spreads with guilt is an intriguing one, and one almost wishes the film had gotten remade, as the American version would likely explore the this notion in greater detail. Some of the back story relies a bit too much on coincidence, but that’s easily forgivable.

More importantly, it’s actually pretty unnerving. Of course, hospitals are naturally terrifying, what with the knowledge that you’re probably in the same room where someone has died, not to mention the possibility that Michael Moore may be nearby, ready to film you and then re-edit it to fit his purposes. But Ochiai one ups the inherent terror by proving himself to be a master of misdirection, with creepy goings on appearing in the corners of the frame (despite a 1.85:1 ratio, this film would definitely suffer on a pan and scan version), and editing away from a scene before the “corner monsters” do something cheesy (or get discovered by the protagonists). Despite my love of Jerry Bruckheimer, Jim Steinman, and the Shocker soundtrack, I am actually a big fan of subtlety when it comes to horror movies, and it’s nice to see an attempt at one that actually succeeds (unlike, say, Wind Chill, which couldn’t even manage to climb its way UP to subtlety).

There’s also a scene with a nurse, who has gone crazy from the virus, reaches into a bucket full of discarded medical supplies, claiming they were still usable. As she pulls some out, we see two or three needles have gotten stuck in her arm in the process. Much like Saw II, this is an incredibly unnerving sequence, but the difference is, where Bousman’s film had a giant fucking PIT full of the things, Ochiai manages the same effect on the viewer with just a handful.

The only real flaw in the film was the music editing. Several cues are simply (and jarringly) silenced as the scene switches to another. It occurs several times over the course of the film. Maybe that’s how you Asians like your music, but here in America, we are supporters of the fade out!!!

Otherwise, speaking as someone who generally has little appreciation for Japanese horror films, I wholeheartedly recommend this one. So, if you like J-Horror, you’ll probably think it stinks. I dunno

What say you?

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Asian, Psychological,

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Captivity

JULY 15, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REGULAR SCREENING)

It’s almost sad that Captivity has finally been released, as it means we will never get another missed release date. Driving around LA, one will see about 900 posters for the film, most of them with the correct release date, but there are a few with the older dates (May 18^th, and June 22^nd), with the final “Friday the 13^th: July 13^th”. But as it turns out, there isn’t a date on the calendar that would have been the ‘best’ time to release this god awful piece of shit.

Whereas Saw and Hostel are technically sound films that do indeed have actual stories, Captivity actually IS what a lot of folks mistakenly dismiss those other films as: shallow and pointless. Sure, the other films have extended torture scenes, but there is a genuine story behind the films and some sort of justification for what we are seeing. But at no point in Captivity does it ever make any fucking sense that the killer makes Elisha Cuthbert drink a blended mix of body parts. Or pretend to melt her face. Or, in the film’s worst moment, shoot her poor little dog close range with a shotgun (which caused a couple walkouts in my screening).

Killing a dog is of course, the easy way to make an audience hate the bad guy without remorse, and usually I can deal with it, but here, there are many problems with this scenario. First of all, the dog is killed to spare the life of someone we do not like. Cuthbert, playing a Paris Hilton-type model/actress, isn’t given any character development other than letting us know she doesn’t want to go to a charity event. Charming. Why exactly do we want this woman to live? You’re practically rooting for the villain, let alone the dog. Second, the villain is so one dimensional, we don’t feel anything toward him whether he kills the dog or not. Christ, the dog’s practically the only lifeform in the entire movie that has any sort of character arc.

Halfway through the film or so, we are given a ‘twist’ that you’d have to be dead not to see coming: the guy she’s trapped with is actually the brains behind the whole operation. In addition to rendering more than a couple of his scenes totally pointless (why does he lash out and give his ‘captor’ the FUCK YOU, STOP! speech when she isn’t around to hear it?), this also makes the film as a whole even more worthless than it already was. Like The Village, the twist seemingly justifies the scenario, rather than the other way around. But since it’s so obvious, you spend all the time leading up to it wondering why they even bothered trying to hide it at all. Let us quote Hitchcock on such matters (if for no other reason than to provide perhaps the only review of Captivity that mentions Hitchcock):

Hitchcock: There is a distinct difference between "suspense" and "surprise," and yet many pictures continually confuse the two. I'll explain what I mean.

We are now having a very innocent little chat. Let's suppose that there is a bomb underneath this table between us. Nothing happens, and then all of a sudden, "Boom!" There is an explosion. The public is surprised, but prior to this surprise, it has seen an absolutely ordinary scene, of no special consequence. Now, let us take a suspense situation. The bomb is underneath the table and the public knows it, probably because they have seen the anarchist place it there. The public is aware the bomb is going to explode at one o'clock and there is a clock in the decor. The public can see that it is a quarter to one. In these conditions, the same innocuous conversation becomes fascinating because the public is participating in the scene. The audience is longing to warn the characters on the screen: "You shouldn't be talking about such trivial matters. There is a bomb beneath you and it is about to explode!"

Here, they should have shown the bomb first, so to speak. Just flat out say he’s the bad guy, then make the scenes of them bonding and eventually fucking at least somewhat creepy. Or at least more hilarious.

Instead, we get about 40 nonstop minutes of the same 3 scenes repeated over and over: Cuthbert sees something that might help her escape and uses it to get to another room; Cuthbert is caught and gassed or otherwise rendered unconscious; Cuthbert is “tortured” (I put that in quotes because at the end of the film she doesn’t have a scratch on her. She goes through more genuine torture in any season two episode of 24 than she does here). Then the tables are turned and we spend the rest of the movie marveling at what an inept mastermind this guy is (pretending to escape with her, he leaves her alone in a room with a television on that shows him actually going off to clean up after himself).

It’s all the more disappointing when you consider writer Larry Cohen and director Roland Joffe (not to mention cinematographer Daniel Pearl) are actually quite talented filmmakers. Just last week, I watched Cohen’s Uncle Sam, and there was more intelligence and even occasional wit in any 5 minutes of that film than the whole of this piece of shit. He (and co-writer Joseph Tura) couldn’t even be bothered to give the villain any sort of motive or reason for his doings. There’s a flashback that alludes to him being molested by his mom (hey-o!!!) but why that inspired him to drape someone in plaster of paris and then bash their head in with a sledgehammer is beyond me. Christ, I learned more about his back-story watching his interview on Bloody-Disgusting than I did in the film.

Incidentally, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that the original version of the film contained none of the “torture” scenes (or even the poor dog – yes, they added in scenes of a lovable little Bichon being blown apart by a shotgun blast to ‘improve’ the film), and instead was a bit more focused on character, and featured a number of scenes with two cops who are looking for Cuthbert. The twists (and in fact the entire last half hour) are the same, but the first hour is pretty much entirely different. Perhaps this cut will surface on DVD, as it is slightly better. Not GOOD, but better. But they opted to release the “pointless torture scenes” version, and that’s the one I paid for, so that’s the one I’m reviewing. Just because there once was at least SOME validity to it doesn’t make it OK. So fuck this movie.

For once I am glad a horror movie tanked at the box office. It’s shit like this that is precisely why almost every horror movie this year has underperformed. Even gorehounds and teenagers know worthless garbage when they see it. The existence of this movie might prevent a somewhat decent one from being properly released, and that’s the only scary thing about it.

What say you?

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Cohen, Crap, Survival,

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The Mangler 2

JULY 14, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, TECHNOLOGY
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

Well, at least no one can ever accuse me of abandoning the Mangler franchise.

You know you’re in trouble when the biggest star in the movie, besides poor Lance Henriksen (or, as the credits spell it, Henricksen, the fucking idiots), is Will Sanderson, a.k.a. “The guy from all the Uwe Boll movies.” You know you’re in even MORE trouble when you wish you were watching him in one of those instead. Yes, The Mangler 2 is so bad, you could find yourselves saying “I wish I was watching House of the Dead”.

It almost takes a certain kind of talent to actually make a movie that fails to live up to the original film, which, if you don’t recall (and hopefully you don’t), was about a giant laundry machine running around killing folks. But yet, Michael Hamilton-Wright (why does he have a maiden name?) managed to do just that, making an “in name only” sequel that manages to make other “in name only” sequels look like they’re on a LOTR or Star Wars level of franchise consistency. It’s almost admirable that they came up with something even stupider than a rampaging laundry machine (a computer virus that somehow can control assorted cables and wires and use them to grab garden shears and kill a guy offscreen), but how they got away with still calling it a Mangler movie is beyond me. Kudos, gents.

Supposedly there was a pressing of the DVD that was somehow missing two minutes of the movie. I wish I had one of those. Instead, I got the whole goddamn thing. From the “French” cook who sounds more like an Italian with a cold, to the incoherent kill scenes (one, involving a fire axe, ranks as one of the most bafflingly vague kill scenes in history. The TV edit of Friday the 13^th Part V is more coherent), to the fact that the filmmakers seemingly do not understand how to count (a clock counting down what should be 15 minutes is actually 15 hours if you pay attention), to the 20 LITERALLY NONSTOP minutes of techno music during the 3^rd act, all the way to the idiotic notion that 5 potheads and misfits would be in charge of the dorms at this college, there is literally not a single point in the film where you may find yourself entertained.

Actually I take that back. There is a scene that is seemingly grafted in from another movie that I enjoyed in a ‘so bad it’s good’ way (as opposed to all of the other scenes, which were more of a ‘so bad I want to skullfuck myself to death’ way). A girl appears out of nowhere (the school is supposedly deserted, and the lass has never been seen prior) and begins doing laundry. A cupboard door starts banging from the inside. So she opens a different cupboard, and surprisingly enough, sees nothing. Then she drinks some gin. Then the whole scene more or less repeats twice. Finally, a giant steam press of some sort (this is the closest the film comes to having any relation to the original) which has no business being in such a high tech school’s laundry room (?) in the first place, somehow manages to get a hold of her hair, pull her inside, and I guess flatten her head. Like all of the other kill scenes in the film, it’s edited and shot in order to hide, well, everything. I am only assuming what happened to her, as all we get is a shot of some hair going through the roller thing, and then some blood spraying on the wall. They never even set up that the steam press is in the room. It’s so inane I had to laugh, before I resumed crying.

It’s a shame to see Lance slumming in garbage like this. The guy is one of the best all time genre actors, and while he may not have the best sense in choosing scripts, he usually elevates a film simply with his presence. But he has no such luck here. He plays his final scene suspended by some of those magic cables I mentioned earlier, and speaking dialog like “Show me what you want, what you really really want.” Oh… oh Lance… *shakes head*.

I was hoping the commentary track would at least be honest, with the filmmakers making fun of the film and pointing out all the gaps in logic, storytelling, etc. But no, they are seemingly of the impression they made a good film, and instead of dishing dirt on the shitty effects team or whatever, they go on and on about lighting, point out “homages” to vastly superior films and directors (“This is my Scorsese shot” he says, without even a trace of irony), and praise just about everyone, including themselves. They’re also fond of reciting the actors’ résumés, even reminding us twice of why we usually would be excited to see Lance (“He played Bishop in Aliens”, they tell us after he first appears and then again later for good measure). There’s some other extras on the DVD, but life is too short. Hell, even if I was a goddamn immortal, life would be too short.

I cannot not recommend this movie enough.

What say you?

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Crap, Technology,

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Tobias Buckell's "Ragamuffin"

Here is a synopsis of Tobias Buckell's new novel Ragamuffin:

The Benevolent Satrapy rule an empire of forty-eight worlds, linked by thousands of wormholes strung throughout the galaxy. Human beings, while technically “free,” mostly skulk around the fringes of the Satrapy, struggling to get by. The secretive alien Satraps tightly restrict the technological development of the species under their control. Entire worlds have been placed under interdiction, cut off from the rest of the universe.

Descended from the islanders of lost Earth, the Ragamuffins are pirates and smugglers, plying the lonely spaceways around a dead wormhole. For years, the Satraps have tolerated the Raga, but no longer. Now they have embarked on a campaign of extermination, determined to wipe out the unruly humans once and for all.

But one runaway woman may complicate their plans. Combat enabled, Nashara is more machine than flesh, and she carries inside her a doomsday weapon that could reduce the entire galaxy to chaos. A hunted fugitive, she just wants to get home before she’s forced to destroy civilization — and herself.

Who does the author see carrying his story in a possible film adaptation? Buckell's take:

Casting one's novel as if a movie, what author hasn't done this? One of the problems I face is that I'm writing science fiction adventure with Caribbean characters and background, and I don't know many big actors in the field who do the dialect well. That being said one of the first short stories I ever published featured Pepper, a character in both my first novel Crystal Rain and in this book, Ragamuffin. I had a strong image of Pepper in my head, so imagine my surprise when I got cable access and saw him on screen. It was on the show Andromeda, and the actor Keith Hamilton Cobb playing Tyr Anasazi was very, very close in both poise, look, and action to Pepper. A mixed race sci fi action hero with some very, very questionable morals. He could do that. In my dream career my books get picked up to be made into movies and Keith gets cast as Pepper in all his trenchcoat, dreadlocked, ass-kicking glory. If no Keith, then Vin Diesel with dreadlocks.

Ragamuffin is the story of Nashara, a woman more cyborg than human, who is hunted down by some pretty tough aliens as she tries to find a home. I think I would cast either Angela Basset (from her bodyguard role in Strange Days) or Jada Pinkett Smith. I think both of them have that tough confidence Nashara has throughout the book.

John deBrun always left me wondering who could do him justice, but I think I'd imagine Obba Babatunde managing this role. His character pieces always impress me. For John's son, Noah Gray-Cabe in a few years would be perfect for that role.

The crazy crew of the ship Queen Mohmbasa Nashara puts her lot in with as she is chased from world to world. Morgan Freeman for the captain Jamar Sinjin-Smith, Ziggy Marley or Gary Dourdan for Ijjy, and for Sean I'd go with Dwayne Johnson (the Rock) or Michael Clarke Duncan.

Read more about Ragamuffin and its predecessor, Crystal Rain, at Tobias Buckell's website.

--Marshal Zeringue

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