Crazy Eights (2006)

MAY 6, 2008

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

It’s no secret that I will often give a generic movie a slightly better review if it’s technically proficient (blame all of the movies I’ve watched that couldn’t get either the technical OR creative aspects correct), but what do I do when it comes to a movie like Crazy Eights? It’s one of the best shot low budget films I’ve seen in ages, and certainly made with more effort than any of the other After Dark films from this year (save for Mulberry Street, which remains the only one I really consider independent). But the movie itself? Couldn’t make heads or tails of it. At no point in the entire film was I quite sure why the horror-ish things were happening, and the ending was even less coherent.

But man, what a great looking film. Director James K. Jones and DP Stephen M. Lyons have somehow found a way to combine M. Night Shyamalan’s endless takes (entire scenes play out in one or two shots) with Michael Bay’s non-stop camera movement. If there’s a still shot in the entire film, I didn’t catch it. They are also fond of Dutch angles, which when combined with the almost floating camerawork give the film a very interesting and energetic feel, which is all the more impressive when you consider that the entire film consists of five folks standing around looking at walls and news clippings and old toys.

And yes, five. The plot description will say six, but the film has a Noonan, played by Dan Deluca. While he is given his own death scene (and his death is acknowledged by his friends, which puts him above his namesake), his character is so extraneous it’s almost laughable in certain scenes. For example, after the funeral that serves as the reason for these estranged friends to get back together, they all go out to eat. During the dinner, everyone but him not only talks, but gets a closeup. I wasn’t even aware he was actually with them until a wide shot revealed him sitting in between two of the others. Poor sod. Naturally, he is the first to die, and even before then he is more or less written out of the film by the most exaggerated injury in film history (he falls down maybe 5 steps and yet his leg looks like it was run over by a truck and then partially eaten).

Actually, there is almost another non-character, but since she’s played by Gabrielle Anwar, she gets elevated a bit. Like Deluca’s character, she disappears for long stretches and doesn’t really interact with the others. She spends most of the film rocking back and forth on a chair (what I wouldn’t give to be that chair...) before shoving her hands down her own throat and ripping it out from the inside. Not sure why they would hire a relatively well-known actress to do so little in a film, but hey, any Anwar is fine by me.

The real casting surprise is none other than George Newbern as the lead. He plays the least obnoxious priest in movie history (he wears jeans and smokes instead of telling everyone how to live their life before molesting little kids), and even though he’s third billed, he’s essentially the lead. Newbern is the star of one of my favorite movies as a kid: It Takes Two. It’s the tale of a man who is about to get married, but before he does so he wants to buy a sports car. He does, but the car falls apart, then he eats some bad Mexican, fucks some hot blonde woman, blows up the car dealership, and gets married on time. It’s never come out on DVD, but occasionally airs on cable. It’s also got one of my favorite movie scores ever, composed by none other than Carter Burwell (I believe it was his first film) who is known for his work with the Coens. Anyway, good to see him again.

Also on hand are Dina Meyer, Frank Whaley, and Traci Lords. It’s the most impressive cast assembled for an After Dark film yet, and I think it helps smooth over some of the film’s shortcomings (you know, like, not making any goddamn sense). I’m not sure if it was the INTENT to never really explain anything (some theories on the IMDb seem to make sense, but damned if anything in the film really support them), but if so they did a piss poor job. Then again, the film has one of the strangest writing credits I’ve ever seen – “Additional Screenplay Rewrites By...” followed by three names, one of which (Jones again) is also credited with the screenplay itself? Who the fuck credits himself for rewriting his own script?

And once again, the DVD is completely lacking in extras, which is incredibly strange, since all of the AD films from the first year had at LEAST a making of featurette. So far this year, the only ones with extras are Nightmare Man and Mulberry, which incidentally are also the most truly independent of the series.

Still, the atmosphere, the pace (it’s only 80 minutes long with credits), and occasional (brief) gore are admirable, and the cast much better than this type of stuff is usually afforded. I can’t go so far as to say it was GOOD, because I think story should come first above all else, but the craftsmanship alone puts it above many others. Maybe a few more (or less?) of those credited rewrites would have resulted in this being the best of this year’s offerings, but instead we are left with a mixed bag – A well made and well cast movie that unfortunately doesn’t have a script worthy of the efforts.

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Psychological,

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Lake Dead (2007)

APRIL 13, 2008

GENRE: SURVIVAL
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

A buddy of mine was angry that I liked Doomsday despite the fact that it had zero originality to it (other than the sort of original idea of spending 40 million dollars to recreate a bunch of sequences from older movies and fashion some semblance of a story out of it). The lack of originality didn’t bother me too much, because I was having a blast watching it. The characters were fun, the locales were interesting, it had good makeup gags, etc. Entertainment for entertainment’s sake is perfectly fine every now and then. However, I cannot give Lake Dead the same leeway, because while it also doesn't have a single original idea that I could find, it failed to get the whole “fun” part right either (to be fair, they didn't seem to be intending it that way).

Ripping off Wrong Turn, Mother’s Day, Devil’s Rejects, Bloodlines (possibly – this came along after but who the hell saw Bloodlines?), and Motel Hell for pretty much its entire running time, Lake is technically proficient and reasonably well-paced, but the characters are completely terrible, the makeup is pretty much all (bad) CG, and the setting is Motel Hell, again. Both films were shot at Sable Ranch in California, and it was obvious to me from the goddamn gravel outside of the motel our characters have “inherited” that it was the same exact place. Recycling a locale is one thing when it’s an entirely different type of movie (the Griswolds, the Murtaughs, and the Monster Squad family all live on the same street, for example), but when the movie shares a few plot similarities with another one shot in the same goddamn house, it’s a bit distracting/annoying.

The film also contains one of the most idiotic plot contrivances I’ve ever seen in a movie. The girls inherit a motel when their grandfather dies, and at the funeral they tell their estranged father they are heading up there to see it. “Don’t go there!” he yells. “Please!” They say “no” and go anyway. Maybe, I dunno, tell your fucking CHILDREN that the place is run by their redneck uncle and grandmother, who plan on using the girls for breeding and/or just plain ol’ killing? He obviously knows this (he lied about their grandfather ever being alive at all, in order to 'protect' them), and yet waits a day to bother really doing anything about it. Also, for the plot to work, the girls can never question why they only have one set of grandparents (who/where the mother is – who the fuck knows, the movie exists in a world where such things aren’t important, despite the fact that almost every character in the movie is related).

Speaking of, the characters are poorly introduced. At the funeral, a blond girl is seen with our lead (also a blonde). The next time we see her, she is talking to the lead’s boyfriend. He’s telling her to hurry up and get ready so they can all go check out the motel, alluding to the fact that it’s her motel too. So we can just assume that the two girls are sisters, but the movie never explains this until about halfway through. But why is her possibly future brother-in-law the one to call her up? Do you call up your future in-laws and berate them for being late?

There’s also a third sister, thankfully not another blonde. But she IS the least pleasant character I’ve ever seen in a film (including those who aren’t “good guys”). She swears constantly for no reason, gets angry at pretty much everything anyone says to her, etc. Luckily she is the first to go, but still, the movie never quite recovers from spending most of the first 15 minutes of its running time on a character who should be instantly killed.

This brings me to another gripe: the movie’s complete lack of a mean streak. It’s like the girl is just a bitch only to ‘justify’ her death a few minutes later. The other victims are also jerks (another irritable bitch, a slut, and a guy who cheats on the irritable bitch with the slut); all of the ‘nice’ people survive. Come on! If screenwriter Daniel Couglin wrote Wrong Turn, Jeremy Sisto’s character would have survived, because he was a nice guy who cared about others. This just voids suspense – we know who will be safe just because they haven’t broken the lie/cheat/steal rules of movie heroics.

As for anything resembling fun, like Wrong Turn 2 or most of the other movies I mentioned? There is ONE sort of joke in the entire movie, and it made me retch:

Girl: “Why do I love you so much?”
Guy: “Probably because I put you in my top 8.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The irony is, all of these vapid no-name actors look EXACTLY like the people who are pictured in fake spam profiles. “Hi, I’m new to Hollywood and my first “break” is starring in Lake Dead. I liked your profile pic and see that you like Shocker. Click my profile and watch my boring movie!”

Other than that, the only other thing that got me to chuckle was the final line, spoken by the “finally doing something to stop his daughters from being raped by their uncle” dad, who shoots his brother in the head and says “THAT’S how you fuck family!” Nothing like a good joke to lighten the mood, even at the expense of his children’s psychological terror (not to mention the years of therapy they will endure now that they realize that their father is also their brother, or whatever – again, who the fuck their mother is wasn’t a concern). Dickhead.

The original Wrong Turn worked because it was the first “no humor, no bullshit” survival horror movie in ages when it was released. The story broke no new ground, but it was a successful throwback to 70s horror in the dawning age of PG-13 horror, with good performances, effects, and even a decent level of suspense to boot. But now, Lake Dead does absolutely nothing to distinguish itself from the others of the past few years. In 2007, you gotta be fun or do something original. Doing neither is just pointless.

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Survival,

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Nightmare Man (2006)

APRIL 5, 2008

GENRE: SLASHER, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

A word of advice for horror filmmakers: When you set out to make a fun horror movie that’s not supposed to be taken too seriously, make sure it’s actually fun. Because if it’s not, you end up with a movie that eventually just bores, such as Nightmare Man. There’s nothing particularly BAD about the movie (other than the horrible digital video, made worse by a lazy and flat transfer), but there isn’t much to recommend, either. The films that the movie emulates and pays homage to (Evil Dead, Trilogy Of Terror, and even The Entity for some reason) are all vastly more entertaining and a better use of your time.

Remember that one Futurama where they try to explain something to Fry and after a few seconds he gives up trying to understand it and just goes “Magic, right”? That’s kind of how I feel about a lot of these horror movies that are supposed to be “fun”. Any plot hole, lazy screenwriting decision, etc, can just be chalked up to “Hey you’re not supposed to take it seriously!” But the problem is, there is a way to make a fun horror movie that DOES make sense, to a certain degree. There is nothing as glaringly stupid in Hatchet or Scream as the fact that the girl runs from her car to the house where most of the action takes place in about 5 minutes, yet it takes 40 for her husband to drive the car there. Or why the husband would say “You have company in the trunk” to his wife, when the trunk contains the very thing he doesn’t want her to know he has brought along. Fun? Not really, plus once the reveals started coming I was mainly just wondering why the guy would go through all this trouble to fuck with his wife (it's also one of those movies where the person being set up has to behave exactly as the villain needs them to for his plan to work, another pet peeve of mine).

Also, as I said, the movie has a bit of Entity in it, as our heroine is raped and presumably impregnated by the demon/ghost/whatever thing at the end. Uh... yeah that’s not exactly keeping in the spirit of fun, is it? Even though the movie never got a laugh out of me, it was at least better when they were trying, as opposed to the complete 180 for the ending.

Speaking of the ending, it’s partially spoiled by the film’s own opening credits, which promises an appearance by Richard Moll (who appeared in the more successful "fun horror" movie Headless Horseman). Since he doesn’t appear before the isolated action begins, nor is he revealed to be the killer, it’s pretty obvious that rescue WILL arrive in the form of Bull, so suspense is tossed aside as well.

And yes, I said that he wasn’t the killer. Despite the movie’s attempts to make us believe that the killer in the film is a demon, I never bought it for a second. Why? Because the fucking thing has tennis shoes on! Oh wait, “It’s not supposed to be taken seriously!” Then why bother with the whole ‘demon’ thing at all? The audience knowing for sure it’s just a guy in a mask, but not the characters, could lead to some fun situations. Or not, who knows.

And yet this is the most packed of all the After Dark DVDs so far for this year. There’s a commentary (buried in the setup menu) which actually isn’t too bad, as the director and Tiffany Shepis just pal around and point out some of the movie’s flaws. Plus some making of and deleted scenes, and Shepis’ own ‘video diary’ which is about 10 minutes longer than necessary but still kind of fun. Shepis is an engaging presence and can usually elevate a film with her natural charm (see, or not, Scarecrow) but even she can’t manage to get this one going, so at least the extras don’t betray her likability. All in all, not counting the commentary, there’s an hour’s worth of stuff here (which may have added to the abysmal transfer), which is far more than is necessary for a movie that stops cold for three solid minutes while a couple (non-amusingly) discuss their issues shortly after one of their friends is murdered by a demon wearing Converse.

I can’t call it crap, because everyone was clearly trying and having a good time, and it’s far from soulless. But it seriously needed another couple of drafts, possibly by legitimately funny writers, to make itself stick out amidst the 28 million other movies that throw a few young folks in a cabin and hope for the best.

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Slasher, Supernatural,

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Mulberry St (2006)

APRIL 1, 2008

GENRE: INDEPENDENT, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

No it’s not an April Fool’s joke (I did enough of those on my other sites): the After Dark film Mulberry St. is by far the best they have offered this year (so far) and ranks up there with Gravedancers as the best film with any sort of ties to the company (don’t forget non-festival offerings like Skinwalkers and Captivity!), period.

It’s also one of the few films in the festival (good or bad) that I can genuinely dub “independent”. Unearthed, or even Gravedancers, don’t really strike me as independent films. They have big actors (well, big for horror films), budgets of a million or more, myriad producers, etc. To me, an independent film is one that quite frankly wouldn’t be made if the director decided not to do it, populated with people you haven't seen in Saw sequels. If Matt Leutwyler decided to walk off Unearthed, once Emmanuelle Vaugier and Luke Goss had already signed on to do it, you can bet that someone else would take his place. But if director Jim Mickle (who wrote the film along with Nick Damici, who plays the lead) gave up on it, it’s pretty likely that Mulberry would never be completed. And that would be a shame.

Ostensibly a zombie movie, Mickle does a good job of selling the idea that New York is under quarantine. Since he’s not exactly Francis Lawrence, he can’t really shut down whole areas of the city, so he sells these ideas via a near constant stream of news and TV broadcasts that mix footage from what I assume is from 9/11, the blackout, etc., along with standard “quick no one’s around let’s film this street” type stuff. It works well. Most of the action is confined to a single apartment building, and thus doesn’t require such extravagant shots like a deserted Times Square in order to get the point across.

The cast is a huge part of that success. With one exception, I don’t doubt for a second that any of these characters (mostly blue collar types) are genuine, hard-working New Yorkers who get caught up in a horror movie plot. Damici in particular is a fantastic lead, and carries the film effortlessly. Big actors wouldn’t work for this particular movie. I always hate when I’d see a Schwarzenegger movie that tried to pass him off as a regular family/working man (like 6th Day), because there’s no way in hell I can believe him as anything but a larger than life character. Even a character actor like Ed Harris wouldn’t be as effective in this particular film, because it would be harder to sell the whole “New York is quarantined” idea. I know Ed Harris is not a New Yorker (well, maybe he is, but you know what I mean), so I’d be less inclined to believe he was trapped in Harlem without being able to actually SEE the city being closed off. But this guy, who I don’t know from Adam? I buy it. Even Larry Fessenden, the patron saint of indie horror, pops up in a quick cameo, and it doesn’t distract from the illusion.

The only exception is the girl playing his daughter. While not a bad actress per se, she didn’t really feel as genuine as the others, seeming more like an actress playing a role than an actual person (ironic since her resume is one of the less prolific – hell, I’ve actually SEEN Damici in other films and didn’t recognize him). Her scenes also take place around the city, and in these scenes the small budget and obvious lack of an actual quarantine begin to become a bit more apparent. Luckily, the apartment stuff takes up the bulk of the film, so it’s not really a big deal.

It’s also smartly paced. The first 40 minutes are like old Cronenberg in a way, with just the feeling of impending dread instead of in your face gore sequences. We just see these guys going about their day, with minor mentions of rat problems and such sort of presented in the background. Then the 2nd half of the film (it’s only 82 minutes long, hurrah!) is an almost nonstop series of ‘zombie’ attacks (they’re more like the ratty vampire things from Dusk Till Dawn), and despite the low budget, we are treated to some good action and gore. Not to mention some unique cinematography; there’s a great camera angle from the top of a door that the monsters are trying to open, so the shot slides back and forth along with the budging door. Nice stuff.

It’s also one of the few modern horror movies to deal with any sort of social commentary. Greedy land developers and such are given their due, the heroes of the film are hard-working blue collar types who are just trying to survive. Sure, it’s hardly original, but since so few modern horror films (especially the ones Mulberry is lumped with) have anything to say, it SEEMS original.

The DVD comes with what seems like a substantial amount of extras, but sadly they are not really much to write blogs about. The video quality is poor on several, resulting in a “What the hell am I looking at?” feeling on the outtakes and makeup test portions. A pair of deleted scenes are wisely cut, and the sketches/storyboards are only of minor interest. Still, the film itself is the real bonus. This is exactly the type of film After Dark SHOULD be releasing (in the festival or not) – true independent films that would be otherwise lost on the video shelves without the promotion AD gave them. You think something like Tooth And Nail, with Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones, etc. would completely disappear if not for After Dark? No way in hell. But movies like this, with no stars, no big effects to promote, etc.? If I wasn’t watching a horror movie every day I’d probably never give it a second glance. Hopefully, if they do a 3rd festival, AD seeks out more truly independent films like Mulberry and gives them the recognition they would not only otherwise not receive, but undeniably deserve.

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Independent, Zombie,

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The Deaths Of Ian Stone (2007)

MARCH 27, 2008

GENRE: SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

This year’s After Dark festival titles have hit DVD, so I can begin the likely burden (as opposed to joy) of watching all eight before the next one comes around. Luckily, Unearthed and Tooth and Nail are long since out of the way, and I hope to hell they are among the worst, and not the best of the bunch. Hopefully, more of them are like The Deaths Of Ian Stone, which is well-made, occasionally interesting, but ultimately “meh”.

(It’s too much to ask at this point that any of them are actually GOOD).

Ironically, Ian Stone works best when it’s not really a horror movie. Ian (Cloverfield’s Mike Vogel) gets killed, then wakes up in a different life. Every hour so he is killed again, and each time he wakes up in a different persona: college student, office lackey, taxi driver, junkie... After a while, Déjà vu sets in and he begins to put the pieces together, with a little help from a mysterious stranger. And this is where the movie begins to fall apart, as the back-story is nonsensical, not to mention full of plot holes. It’s probably the first movie in which once things start to make sense for the main character, they make less sense to the audience.

Luckily, the CG is pretty good (Stan Winston designs!), so when we get to the finale, which consists of a few of the Dementor-ish spirit monster things whaling on each other, it’s at least visually impressive. And the main girl reminded me of Alexandra Holden, so that’s always a plus. However, the last act also introduces a few character who inexplicably dress in Matrix leftovers, and the sight of them is not only distracting (I actually had to rewind the movie to hear some dialogue because I was so amused by the sudden appearance of Trinity’s outfit), but laughable.

In theory, combining Dark City, The Matrix, They, and Groundhog Day could turn out OK, and for a while it works. There’s a great sequence early on when Ian witnesses another guy who is being stalked by the monsters dying on the street, and then being chased himself. And I always like seeing characters put things together. Plus, as a man who once got paid to sing Jim Steinman songs (in MTV’s Wuthering Heights), Mike Vogel is aces in my book. I just wish they could have come up with something better than “Matrix wannabes who live on fear” as the ultimate antagonist.

The DVD is strangely lacking in extras. Usually the After Darks have a commentary and/or a making of, but the only thing Ian gets is a group of Miss Horrorfest webisodes (which have nothing to do with the movie) and the usual 4505 trailers. The final Horrorfest webisode, where the Miss is announced, was filmed entirely at a party that yours truly attended last fall. If you watch the video in slow-motion and zoomed in, you can still not see me at all! Probably because I spent the entire night hovering near the crew door so I could get first pick on whatever was being put on a tray. Hardly the stuff of interesting video footage. “Hey, stop filming the half naked girls, there’s a guy in a Hatchet shirt eating a cracker dipped in hummus!”

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Supernatural,

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Tooth & Nail

NOVEMBER 10, 2007

GENRE: CANNIBAL, POST-APOCALYPTIC, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REGULAR SCREENING)

IT HAS BEGUN!

Yes, another “8 Films To Die For” collection is upon us, and like last year, I managed to make it out for one of the films (hey, this site doesn’t make me a red cent, I try to limit how much it COSTS ME to keep it going!). Luckily, my choice, Tooth & Nail, was far better than the one film I saw in theaters last time around (do I really need to mention it by name, again?), though still far from very good.

The key problem with this film is how blatantly obvious the twist is. Let’s see, one of the good guys is killed by an unseen killer, even though the bad guys are a loud, unstealthy and cartoonish lot. Also, their apparent leader (Michael Madsen, once again introduced via a shot of his feet) is killed shortly after he appears. And since it’s obvious Vinnie Jones shot all of his scenes on a break from whatever Guy Ritchie movie he was filming, who will be the “big bad?” And gee, how did this quiet non-threatening blond chick (Rachel Miner, from the not as bad as I expected Penny Dreadful) manage to escape these bloodthirsty cannibals so easily? OHHhhhh......

Also, all of these people have really stupid names, most of them American car models: Neon, Viper, Nova, etc. Why, I dunno. Maybe its a Postman reference. Luckily, otherwise the film doesn't resemble that film at all. Which brings me to my biggest compliment I can give to the film – for once, though it was probably a budgetary limit and not an artistic choice, the post-apocalyptic future looks like it should: the same as it does now. I never got why, in all these “30 years from now, our world fell to shit” movies, that the engineers and designers around the world decided to completely overhaul our transportation and industrial centers, OR (as in Postman), somehow find a way to make the entire world look like a desert. Is putting an elevated subway and designing loud and garish skyscrapers really their solution to combat annihilation? No, in Tooth, the buildings and everything look like they do now, just a bit more rundown and of course, empty. Nice work.

However, they still raided the Mad Max museum when it came to designing the cannibals; even though the good guys wear standard sweaters and jeans, the bad guys took the time to design outlandish metal and leather costumes. Maybe designing them takes their mind off of being so hungry. Also, their motives are a bit unclear – they claim that they are simply hungry, but if that is the case, why do they go to all the trouble hunting their prey? Wouldn’t it be easier to wear some khakis and a polo shirt, walk up to a guy, shoot him and then eat him as you see fit? Oh well, who am I to judge Michael Madsen (who also executive produced)?

The cast is pretty recognizable, which is nice. In addition to Madsen, Miner, and Jones, we got Robert Carradine (as a professor, lol), Rider Strong (who has an odd tendency to delay his responses to other characters), and the guy who played CJ in Dawn 04, playing, well, another asshole who becomes a hero. Also, there’s a guy in the movie who looks EXACTLY like Richard Tyson, but it’s not him. Which bummed me out.

So there it is; the first of what will probably be another half dozen or so ho-hum and forgettable, if not exactly BAD, group of films, plus one good one (my money's on Mulberry St) and one god awful piece of shit.

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Cannibal, Post-Apocalyptic, Survival,

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Wicked Little Things (2006)

NOVEMBER 9, 2007

GENRE: ZOMBIE
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

Finally, I may rest. The empty hole in my soul has been filled. Life as I know it is no longer as incomplete. Because, now that I have seen Wicked Little Things, no one can ever accuse me of not watching all eight of After Dark’s 8 Films To Die For from 2006. And of course, today marks the release of eight more, so let’s see how long it takes me to finish all of THOSE.

Like most of them, WLT, as it’s known only in this sentence, is not particularly good, but not horrible either. I do like the idea of having only children as the antagonists in what is essentially a zombie movie, but they aren’t menacing enough, and in fact by the end they are more or less the heroes.

How does that work, you might ask? Well, once again, this horror movie has a subplot about, you guessed it, real estate. The least fucking interesting thing in the world has now served as the driving force behind three horror movies I have watched this year. One more and I will be forced to add it to the subgenre list. Yes, as it turns out, the zombie kids are really after a greedy land developer guy, not so much the 3 heroines (including Scout Taylor Compton, aka fake Laurie Strode) or the local exposition- er, mountain man. They kill a few other folks while they’re at it, but I prefer 100% motiveless zombies, not ones that sort of test the waters and then decide on a course of action for the last 20 minutes.

I also like it when our heroine is likable, which isn’t the case here. Scout was a bit annoying at times as Laurie Strode, but here she’s just a plain old bitch. She whines about everything, steals food from her little sister, and mocks rednecks. Can someone cast her as someone I don’t want to punch in the stomach? I don’t know how her mother in the film manages to go the whole 90 minutes without at LEAST giving her a backhander.

Still, as the film began with some folks moving into an old house (and then looking through newspaper clippings with lots of helpful backstory), I was expecting a goddamn haunted house movie, so when some zombies showed up, however lame they were, it was a nice surprise. Also, the finale features some “don’t move or they’ll see and then kill you” action, a stock moment but nicely elevated by the fact that they continue to stand still as a victim is killed in the room above them, and his blood pours through cracks on the floor, drenching them as they remain still. Nice!

There’s a commentary track but it’s as boring as they come. Unless you really love hearing about Bulgarian film crews.

The film was directed by J.S. Cardone, who made the Near Dark/Lost Boys wannabe The Forsaken, a mostly terrible film that somehow got a theatrical release in spring of 2001 (I remember seeing it back to back with Along Came A Spider. What a shitty day at the movies). Other than a hot girl or two, the movie was pretty worthless, but it still endeared itself to me a little bit, since the lead character (Jack from Dawson’s Creek) played a guy who edited trailers. That’s me! Sort of. Sadly, Wicked Little Things didn’t have any such character for me to relate to, so I am sure I will forget every single thing about it within a few days or so. But you won’t yell at your TV or attempt to euthanize your DVD player while you’re watching the film, so in that respect, I guess it’s OK enough.

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Zombie,

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October Extras #10 - Dark Ride

OCTOBER 10, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)
LAST SEEN: OCTOBER 2006 (THEATRICAL)

The first review I ever wrote for Bloody Disgusting was for Dark Ride. They already had one, but the movie angered me so much (it was the first time I seriously considered walking out of a horror movie in my life) I felt I had to put my thoughts down. Ever since, I’ve pretty much gone out of my way to trash the movie, and I was beginning to think perhaps it wasn’t all deserved. Was it THAT bad? Since I was purposely re-watching 31 oft-mentioned/requested horror movies, it was the perfect opportunity to find out.

Well luckily for my ‘cred’, yes, it IS that bad. In fact the movie probably bored me even more this time, as the two things I enjoyed about it (the opening, and the killer’s getup) were now old news, leaving its plethora of flaws all the more apparent.

The biggest problem with the film is that it starts off as a typical teen slasher, with stereotype characters (all of whom, including the Final Girl, are incredibly annoying on a level rarely seen in any movie, let alone a slasher), and then randomly switches gears for the final 10 minutes, attempting to make the film work as some sort of tragic psychological thriller. All it really does is make an awful movie worse. The least it could offer is consistency.

Director Craig Singer seemingly has no idea how to stage a film either, constantly tossing in idiotic camera tricks and “stylish” montages to pad the film out. There’s a nonsensical time lapse sequence of the kids in the van, playing, of all things, paddy-cake (???), no less than TWO scenes of Jamie Lyn Sigler facing camera as the background rotates around her, etc. There’s also a total lack of setup to some of the chase scenes – the film will suddenly cut from one character to another, who is just as suddenly being spotted and then chased by the killer. It’s never quite clear where everyone is in relation to one another (how big IS this goddamn ride, anyway?), and as a result, there’s zero tension or suspense. Then again, when you consider that the movie is about a group of kids stopping off in New Jersey as they travel from California to New Orleans, it’s not really that much of a surprise that geography isn’t one of its strong suits.

The movie also features an incredibly annoying “film geek” character, who rattles off quotes and trivia about vastly superior films in pretty much every other scene. Apparently he has never seen The Funhouse, but worse, he actually gets mad when people don’t understand/care about the history of Midnight Cowboy’s MPAA rating. Christ, I’m a movie nerd, and even I wanted to smack this guy after 5 minutes. He succeeds only in being the MOST annoying character of the 6, which is saying something.

Also, like in Halloween Night, the movie takes up like 20 minutes of its running time by having a few of the characters play an overly elaborate and idiotic prank on their friends. It requires a lot of chance and coincidence to work, which makes you wonder why they bothered at all. Like everything else in the film, it’s useless and annoying.

If you notice, there’s no Amazon link (though there might be an auto-hotlink one on the title - can't help that!). It’s not an oversight. I won't go out of my way to make this charmless piece of shit easier to obtain. This thing is an insult to slasher movies and to horror movies in general, and no amount of “We were INTENTIONALLY making the characters/plot silly!” excuses will work on me. Both this and Hatchet attempted to make a modern film that would feel at home with early 80s slashers, one succeeded almost flawlessly, the other failed not just miserably, but insultingly.

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Crap, October Extras, Slasher,

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October Extras #4 - The Gravedancers

OCTOBER 4, 2007

GENRE: GHOST, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)
LAST SEEN: OCTOBER 2006 (SCREAMFEST)

Pretty much every time I watch an After Dark release, I mention how it doesn’t live up to the promise of The Gravedancers, which was the first of the eight films that I saw, which resulted in higher expectations for the rest (unfortunately for them). Had I seen Dark Ride first, I’d probably be claiming all of the other 7 the greatest horror films of all time.

The thing I loved about Gravedancers was that it was essentially a kid’s horror movie, but aimed at adults. The plot is something out of Goosebumps, but it’s executed in a manner that doesn’t seem cloying or just plain stupid. Not that the film is taken seriously (the ghostly head monster at the end is certainly proof of that), but it’s very rare to see a horror movie starring people over 30 that isn’t the cerebral or psychological type. Plus, it’s nice to see a movie about people being haunted by long dead folks that has nothing to do with them moving into a house (in fact the premise is pretty original for this type of movie – I can’t think of another one about, well, gravedancing).

Mike Mendez and David Armstrong (who also shot the Saw sequels) have created an extremely nice look for the film, creating a very natural look albeit with lots of high contrast and strong primary colors. For a low budget independent film, this is all the more impressive, as usually the most I expect is an image that isn’t blurry or washed out due to poor digitizing. I’m glad I saw this one in theaters; even if it wasn’t designed for an audience to enjoy as a ride, it would still be a shame to never see a lot of these scenes on a genuine film print.

Tcheky Karyo is in the film. This is pretty much all the recommendation anyone should ever need. He plays the occult expert that always seems to be in town when folks begin getting haunted in horror movies, and he’s a riot. There’s a sight gag involving one of his “research materials” that made me laugh out loud even a 2nd time, and his back and forth with the stars is equally enjoyable. In fact all of the actors are good (even Purcell is a bit more engaged than usual), with the exception of Marcus Thomas, who’s a bit awkward, and seems uncomfortable playing a loser (he was hilarious in Drowning Mona though – one of the most underrated movies of all time).

Even if you don’t like horror, you gotta give props to Mike Mendez and his crew for creating true cinematic history:

If you notice, Dominic Purcell’s shirt is buttoned all the way up. Within minutes it is unbuttoned, as it remains for the rest of the film, but for just one brief moment, we are spared the sight of Purcell’s chest even though he is onscreen. It’s a tradition with the guy throughout all his roles, particularly Prison Break and Primeval, where he has a bare minimum of three buttons done at all times, regardless of the weather or social situation.

The DVD is pretty packed, with behind the scenes stuff, some deleteds, and even the original trailer Mendez shot in order to get funding for the film. And for what I think is the first time, there’s a commentary track for EVERYTHING. Not just the film, even the making of and the trailer have an alternate track. The one for the film is great, as Mendez and composer Joe Bishara invent a drinking game called “Lamp” that is bound to leave you dead of cirrhosis if you play it properly.

Like I said in my Abandoned review, it is utterly baffling that Lionsgate and After Dark would give that film a wide release and not this. Not only is it just as impressive on a technical level (which is more than you can say for some of the others), but it’s far more “audience friendly” than Abandoned, and also plays better in theaters than Nacho Cerda’s film does (which works better at home). Hopefully some of you got the chance to see it, either at Screamfest or at the After Dark festival, but if not, I strongly urge you check it out now.

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Ghost, October Extras, Supernatural,

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Penny Dreadful

JULY 26, 2007

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Earlier this year, I watched the boring as hell movie Wind Chill, which was about two kids more or less trapped in a car during a snowstorm. A half hour or so into Penny Dreadful, I began having mostly unpleasant flashbacks to that film, as Penny is about just ONE person stuck in a car during a snowstorm. But unlike Chill, this one actually has some stuff fucking HAPPEN from time to time, before similarly just sort of ending with a cinematic shrug.

Penny was of course one of the "Eight Films To Die For", which, in reality, range from “Not Even Worth A Hangnail For” (Dark Ride) to “Worth Maybe Killing Another Guy For” (Gravedancers). Incidentally, while those two represent the extreme ends of the spectrum, they are the only two that really benefit from a theatrical screening. All of the others are small, often claustrophobic films; the type that play much better at home. Penny is no exception. There are a lot of great little moments throughout the film, and director Richard Brandes does a pretty good job of making the bulk of the film visually interesting, considering what little he has to work with, most of the time. Unfortunately, like many of the others in the series, it would work best as a short film, since the padding and repetition grows tiresome.

For example, for no reason other than to avoid Wind Chill style nothingness, three characters are introduced. We know they are knife fodder, and that’s fine, but they are involved in a pointless subplot about an extra marital affair (even stupider – the guy and girl have their tryst in an old car in the middle of the freezing woods? Y'all never heard of a Denny’s bathroom?). There’s also an overly lengthy and stupid scene of Penny trying to push her car (wedged between two tress) by sticking her leg out the window and pushing the car away from the tree. Even stupider, this actually sort of works.

The ending is a real letdown…. is something I might say if the film actually had an ending. Penny gets out of the car, is chased by the killer, and a kindly motorist picks her up after running the killer over. The killer’s hand twitches as the motorist looks for signs of life. Penny sees this, and then – 2^nd unit director names are revealed. Was the killer Penny herself, manifesting a killer, High Tension style? Was it the escaped mental patient who’s name might literally be Red Herring (the radio announcement is shut off literally as the name is about to be revealed, pointlessly)? Maybe just Mimi Rogers’ ghost, making Penny MORE afraid of cars (since she’s a fairly horrible shrink to begin with – the girl is afraid of cars and she tries to help her by driving her around in a beat up old junker with no shocks or rear defroster?)?

However, I would be remiss if I didn’t point that I didn’t really care; I was more or less entertained for 90 minutes and that’s all I ask for out of any After Dark film. And rarely get even that.

On a final note, even though this is actually one of the better AD films, the DVD is entirely lacking in features. While all of the others (to the best of my memory, which is worthless) have had commentary tracks and other extras, all this one has is a 7 min featurette with more than half the running time spent on clips. It’s only truly worth watching for when the titles label the director as “Acclaimed Director Richard Brandes”, despite only having two other movies to his name. Not only that, the two films are ones that even I have never heard of before in all of my Netflix browsing, and both have 3.5 scores on the IMDb to boot. Acclaimed by who, exactly?

And look at the shitty job they did with the menu overlays!

Michael Berryman deserves better you bastards!

What say you?

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After Dark Fest, Psychological, Slasher,

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The Hamiltons

JULY 10, 2007

GENRE: INDEPENDENT, PSYCHOLOGICAL, VAMPIRE
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Folks kept telling me that The Hamiltons had a twist ending. I like a good twist ending as much as the next guy (unless I’m sitting next to M. Night), plus I was told there was light brother-sister incest (hey-o!!!) which is always a plus in a horror movie*. But on the flipside, Hamiltons was one of the After Dark movies, which, other than Gravedancers, meant the best I could expect was “meh”.

Well, I was right. Hamiltons is the very definition of “Meh.” It’s not a bad film, but it’s not very engaging or exciting either (and it certainly isn't scary). And the ending is not a twist to anyone who understands how to pay the fuck attention to a film as it plays. Jesus Christ. Before the 5 minute mark, we see the mother, pregnant, and the main kid looking at his teeth in the mirror. These are not throwaway moments: THE FUCKING THING IN THE BASEMENT IS THE BABY AND MAIN DUDE’S BECOMING A VAMPIRE. It’s not a twist, it’s the logical conclusion of the film. Yeah Jaws has a “twist” ending too, it turns out it’s a shark!

Although they come off as idiots for pegging themselves “The Butcher Brothers” (they’re not brothers, they’re not butchers), gotta give props to Mitchell Altieri and Phil Flores for pulling off a very good HD/DV image, though the differing image sources are quite obvious at times. I also dislike any director (who hasn’t earned it) that puts their credit over black when all the other credits are over film footage. Fuck you, we can read along if we want, we don’t need you to call attention to yourselves.

Incidentally, I would have seen the film last year at Screamfest, but since the directors showed up with an entourage expecting all their friends to get in for free, I was told not to go in (I was a volunteer), so they would hopefully be humbled by the fact that everyone in the audience was a friends of theirs instead of genuinely interested regular folks. Ah, the politics of horror movies!

At any rate, I wish more movies starred Joel Silver clones.

What say you?

*Hamiltons is 20x longer than this short film that my friend Brady produced/edited, and yet accomplishes just as much: some horror, family squabbles, and a brother and sister making out. Enjoy!

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After Dark Fest, Independent, Psychological, Vampire,

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