She-Wolf Of London (1946)

JUNE 27, 2008

GENRE: WEREWOLF (?)
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

You know, it’s bad enough that the Wolf Man collection only has two actual Wolf Man movies, but if they are going to toss other crap on there, at least have them be movies with actual werewolves in them! Christ! I don’t care if I am spoiling it for anyone, She-Wolf Of London does not actually contain a werewolf; just some old broad killing folks and blaming it on her niece. She could at least wear a werewolf costume or something.

At least it’s a decent movie otherwise. The mystery is actually pretty good (two red herrings!) and at 61 minutes it certainly doesn’t waste much time getting going. The very nature of the reality of what’s going on means we don’t get any onscreen murders (even the killer pretty much kills herself when she trips on some stairs), but there’s still some nice suspense scenes. It also has a delightfully odd moment when two of the women (there’s hardly any dudes in this movie) discuss the fact that one of them has broad shoulders. OK.

I also like the tendency for characters in these movies to get all excited about news in order to deliver exposition. At one point, someone says, apropos of nothing, “Oh, did you hear? A man was killed in the park!” It’s good to know that back in the day, there were so few murders that when one occurred it was on everyone’s mind. I can’t imagine going home and saying “Hey, some dude got stabbed in Echo Park last night!”, even if I was the one who did it.

The star of this film is none other than June Lockhart, who you all know as the old nut in Troll (plus I guess she was on some classic TV show called Lassie or something). It’s very rare to watch one of these old Universal monster movies and see an actor that is even still alive, let alone working, so that made me happy. Would have been happier if she was a werewolf though. Seriously, what the fuck!

What say you?

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Classic, Werewolf,

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Sex And The City: The Movie (2008)

MAY 28, 2008

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL, SUPERNATURAL, VAMPIRE, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (PRESS SCREENING)

While I love gore and insane prosthetic effects as much as the next guy, it’s nice to see a horror film that eschews all of that stuff in favor for more subtle horrors; a sort of ‘alternate’ horror film, much like Martin or something of that nature. Sex And The City: The Movie fits that mold; despite the R rating, there is actually only suggested violence in the film, along with a few morbid visuals.

Based on the TV show, the film is about three female best friends, each of them a different type of monster. Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) is a vampire, Samantha (Kim Cattrall) is a succubus, and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) is a werewolf. There is also a fourth friend, a human named Charlotte (Kristin Davis) whose only role in the film is show off her perfect human life to her friends, all of whom aspire to find her happiness while retaining their own monstrous needs.

Carrie the vampire is the film’s main character. She is engaged to a fellow vampire, a man only referred to as Big even though his name is John something or other. Unlike most cinematic vampires, they are not harmed by sunlight (the film even makes a little joke about this – they turn down an apartment because it doesn’t get any sun), but they are immortal. We know this because they have been dating for 100 years and have broken up and gotten back together some 15 times (this is explained to us a few times via dialogue – I assume it was detailed in full on the show). Big stands her up at the altar, and she begins a downward spiral – she’s been with him forever, and was prepared to give up her immortality in marriage. Now she is faced with being immortal forever, and alone.

Next up is Samantha, the succubus. She doesn’t live in New York with the others, instead she lives in LA where her kind is more common. The film’s opening sort of “previously, on Sex and the City” thing shows her pre-devouring of several men, and then finding a man she truly loves and thus does not want to eat. Now they’ve been together for five years, and she is discovering that she misses her succubus ways, thanks to a new neighbor who is actually a male succubus, taking a new woman every night.

And then there is Miranda, the werewolf. Her problem is more simple – she’s not allowing herself to indulge in the pleasures that come with being a lycanthrope. As the film begins her husband, a nerd who obviously gets off on nailing a she-wolf, is sexually frustrated, and cheats on her. So she throws him out, and now has to make a new life for herself and hopefully rediscover her carnal instincts.

Finally the human one, Charlotte... well, she doesn’t really have a storyline, because she is not one of the undead. Like I said, she’s just there to sort of remind her friends that happiness is possible, though they never quite make clear if being human is essential. Later in the film she finally has something to do (she gets pregnant), but until then she’s merely just sort of hanging out with them. Ironically, she is the focus of the film’s sole gross out gag, a scene in which she contracts dysentery and shits her pants. It’s an odd moment, but mainly because it’s actually pretty funny, where the rest of the film is incredibly overdramatic and sour.

The little moments in which their monstrous sides are actually on display are among my favorites in the film. At one point, Miranda begins growing her werewolf hair all over her legs, and the succubus chastises her for it. She usually shaves it all in order to hide her lycanthropy from her coworkers (she’s a lawyer – another sly injoke to her true nature), but since her separation from her husband she is letting herself go. The three monster girls, particularly the vampire, also have an unnatural addiction to red wine (for contrast, the human only drinks water). I would have liked more of these type of scenes, but since the film is about the human side of monsters (and not the monstrous side of humans) it makes sense that they are kept to a minimum.

Still, it does have some scare moments. The succubus, who is the oldest of the group, strips nude and covers key parts of her anatomy with sushi (a nice reverse on the succubus way – she is inviting her lover to essentially eat HER), a ghastly sight. She also threatens on more than one occasion to devour two separate men’s manhood, which will give the male viewers a chill (the females in the crowd cheered at these lines).

In the end, it’s a decent attempt at doing something different. In the end, all of the monsters have accepted their true nature and found happiness, which is nice. I would have liked maybe one transformation or two, but the effects are pretty much limited to Dick Smith style old age makeup. It won’t be for everyone, but it’s certainly the most unique horror film of the year.

What say you?

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Psychological, Supernatural, Vampire, Werewolf,

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Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985)

APRIL 29, 2008

GENRE: WEIRD, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: CABLE (FLIX)

I had to make a tough decision when choosing today’s movie. With a newly purchased copy of GTAIV in my hands, I really didn’t want to stop playing in order to watch my 500th horror movie in a row (give or take). So I thought about it, and decided that the film I watched had to be something I probably wouldn’t like anyway, rather than unfairly “waste” a good movie on a day when I would be watching the clock more than the film. So really, is there any better candidate than Howling II? Let’s look at the facts – I didn’t like the original very much; Christopher Lee, the film’s STAR, considers it the worst film he’s ever done (even after he made Attack of the Clones); and it’s been almost universally derided by everyone else for the past 20 years or so. In fact, in all of my life, I’ve only encountered one man who liked it, and this sod also likes, well, Attack of the Clones. So I figured it was a safe bet, and it’s reasonably running time ensured it wouldn’t be too long before I was back punching hookers in the face and running over cops. Not to mention - more time to play GTAIV.

To be honest, the film wasn’t exactly a train wreck. Well, it WAS, but in a mostly enjoyable way. It took a while, but eventually the nonsensical storyline, haphazard directing/editing, abysmally awkward scene transitions, and just plain cheapness of the film sort of won me over. It’s impossible to hate a film in which we get a clock wipe to a scene of three werewolves (two women one man) engaging in a ménage a trois, while the man makes this wonderful, almost melancholy musical howl. Then they checker wipe to a midget or something.

Yes, wipes. It’s as if the editor just got the Avid “transition” package (and a time machine, I guess, since Avids weren’t around then) and was determined to use each and every one of them in the film, regardless of sense. And you really can’t blame him for such proclivities, as few scenes in the film ever really connect to the ones before or after them (from either a visual or storytelling standpoint). For example, at one point our bland hero and blander heroine check into a hotel. He asks for two rooms, and is visibly angry that they have to share one. And yet, 12 or so seconds later, she asks him for a hug and he goes right into some good ol’ “against the wall” fucking. Why’d you want two rooms if you could hardly wait for the bellhop to leave before engaging in the film’s only non-werewolf based sex scene? The whole movie is like a cinematic non sequitur.

For a sequel in which not a single cast or crew member returned (Dee Wallace’s corpse is played by a woman who couldn’t look less like Dee Wallace if she tried), it actually does a decent job of retaining the original’s themes. “Werewolf as cult”, bestiality, boring dialogue scenes... they’re all here, just as they were in Joe Dante’s original. The only major difference is the pitiful effects. Whereas Rob Bottin’s work in the original continues to impress, this shit couldn’t even have been admirable in 1985. At one point you can pretty much see where the wolf arm ended on the human performer, and there are no full-blown transformation scenes either (we just see close-ups of things like arms and back hair). A mid 80s horror movie where the makeup effects are the WORST thing about it? This movie’s puzzling nature never ceases!

What say you?

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Weird, Werewolf,

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Underworld: Evolution (2006)

APRIL 18, 2008

GENRE: VAMPIRE, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: BLU-RAY (STORE RENTAL)

Dear Len Wiseman,

I like you. I really do. You seem like a chill dude, and you stole Kate Beckinsale from that Lucian dude from the first movie (and then on top of that, didn't resurrect him for this one). That’s fucking awesome. Also, you use practical effects as much as possible, another thing I truly admire And while my anger with Live Free or Die Hard is legendary (to... me), none of my problems concerned your direction. But after watching Underworld and Underworld: Evolution, I have a simple suggestion to make: STOP FUCKING WRITING YOUR MOVIES.

You see sir, one of the few movies I ever gave up watching was the original Underworld. I put it in, and after like 40 minutes I was just like “I have better things to do.” I forget what I did instead, though. A few days later I “watched” the rest, merely putting it on while I read a Fango or something. It was certainly a visually interesting movie, but the plot was just incomprehensible and the werewolves and vampires just kept fucking shooting each other instead of using their goddamn fangs and claws. So needless to say, watching the sequel was not high on my list of priorities; even with this whole Horror Movie A Day thing, the only reason I decided to rent it was because I wanted to use my Blu-Ray player, and U:R was the only horror movie on Blu Ray (at Blockbuster) that qualified.

And to give you credit, you cut back on the gunplay. The first sequence is grand, as werewolves tear dudes up, vampires bite, etc. Of course, it’s set in like 1208 or something, so the automatic weapons had no choice but to sit the scene out, but it's still appreciated. And even in the modern day stuff, it seems there is much more monster action than “guys who happen to be monsters shooting each other in the dark” action. However, the story continues to be needlessly convoluted. At some points I felt I needed to diagram the relationships between all of the characters in order to keep them straight. This is essentially a monster movie, can’t things be a bit simplified? The whole concept is kind of stupid to begin with, so I can’t help but keep my brain mostly turned off. In short, I don’t want to think really hard about why exactly a giant bat guy is tearing off some other dude’s head in a “monastery-slash-opium den”.

And what is with your obsession with hockey puck shaped objects? The keys, the bombs, the family heirloom things... they all look the same. Try a triangle, or maybe a hexagon.

Also, and again, this isn’t really your fault, but when the MPAA rating description comes up before a Kate Beckinsale movie begins, and promises nudity... let’s just say you’re just setting the viewers of your movie up for massive disappointment. Because, as you know, the nudity stems from a scene with some Romanian no-name heroin chick while Kate has a PG-13 love scene with that Felicity dude. That's just cold-hearted, man.

Speaking of that scene, how do you film something like that?

Enclosed in this letter is a picture that includes the colors red, yellow, and orange. I have labeled each one so you know which one is which. If you’re feeling adventurous, try to use one or maybe even all of these colors in your next film and see what happens. If it doesn’t work, you can always reshoot the scene in your trademark blue, dark blue, black, and dark black.

I did not listen to your commentary track as of yet – it’s tough to get me to watch a commentary on Blu Ray, because I usually do commentaries at work. When I’m at home, there are so many other things begging for my attention (other movies, games, my wife who hates your wife) that it’s asking a lot for me to sit there and listen to a guy talk about a movie I didn’t really like all that much to begin with (though I did like it more than the original – it seemed better paced and the action was improved, plus, again: less guns). I did, however, watch the hour and 15 min of making of stuff, and see that quite a lot of work went into the film. Still, it tickled me to note that the documentary was broken up into 6 different areas of production, and not a single one concerned the story/writing. Also that you are half-lit in all of your shots - did you have a black eye or something?

Like I said, visually I think you’re great. If Live Free... wasn’t a completely misguided sequel to my favorite action franchise, and just a Bruce Willis action movie, I’d be singing your praises to high heaven. But you’re not a writer. Hopefully your next film will match your skills as a director with a well written script, and you can eventually put these baffling movies behind you.

And if not, well, you can always bang your wife, and I can’t, so you still win anyway.

What say you?

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Vampire, Werewolf,

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Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943)

MARCH 3, 2008

GENRE: CLASSIC, MONSTER, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Man, I sure do take a long time to get through my own DVDs, huh? It was the first Monday in March of LAST YEAR (and I swear I didn't do it on purpose - I had to look up the date) that I last took in a movie from my Wolf Man collection, despite my “I should blow through all three of these Universal sets in a month or so” thinking at the time. I’m not even halfway through the three sets (the others being Dracula and Frankenstein), and adding insult to injury - I bought the damn things in in 2004!

Anyway, Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man is pretty damn good, despite the wrongest title ever. It’s more like “The Guy Inside Of The Wolf Man Meets Frankenstein’s Monster And Then His Daughter”, but oh well. When it comes to Frankenstein movies, the title is always of debatable merit (see Bride Of Frankenstein, which contains less than 2 min of actual Bride).

After what I think may have been the first animated credits in movie history (I expect to be called out for being wrong here), the film begins with two guys trying to rob the Wolf Man’s grave and unintentionally resurrecting him, an obvious allusion to Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives. Which is the nice thing about sequels, because a lot of these old movies take a while before there’s any monster action, for obvious reasons (they weren’t created yet), so it’s nice to have a little bit of action right at the start before all the yakkity yak.

Most of what the characters are talking about for the next 40 minutes or so is the Wolf, and whether poor Larry Talbot (still billed as just “The Wolf Man”) is crazy or not. Though the writer occasionally takes time out of this to take a few cheap shots at Gypsies, with exchanges such as this:

Guy: Do you know Maleva, she’s a Gypsy.”
Guy 2: “Ah, a vagrant!”

Now come on! A Gypsy could very well have had his or own home. There’s also another line where a guy scoffs at the idea that a Gypsy would be telling the truth. Why all the hatred?

Although there’s not a lot of monster action (Frank’s monster doesn’t show up until halfway through or so), the only time the movie feels slow is around the 45 minute mark, when we are ‘treated’ to a lengthy musical number. It ends with a typical “Lon Chaney needs anger management” scene, and then Frankie comes barreling through on a rampage before hitching a ride on a runaway wagon, which livens things up considerably and more or less makes up for the lengthy song, but still: cut out a verse or two next time!

The finale is pretty rousing. In a hilarious bit, Frankie begins carrying the damsel off into the night, which pisses off Wolf Man. Wolf Man attacks Frankie while he’s still holding the woman, and as a result he drops her hard onto the stone floor a few feet below. Nice work, Larry, you probably fractured her spine in your “rescue” attempt. But then they begin whaling on each other, and despite the fact that the fight is incredibly short, it’s pretty sweet to see them go at it, since they are a more even match than many of the other movie monster fights we’ve seen since. Wolf Man could use a bit more originality in his fighting style though – his entire strategy seems to be climbing onto tables and the like, then jumping onto Frankie while howling. Then a surge of water from a dam explosion knocks over a model of a castle, which somehow results in their assumed drowning. And unlike the first Frankenstein film, the filmmakers had the good sense to end it right there, rather than have a wholly useless epilogue with some doctor talking about drinking while a few dames fawn over him.

Looking at the collection, I now see that Wolf Man never really got a legit sequel (the other monster sets have more movies too). This was half a Frankenstein movie, and the other two films on the set seem entirely unrelated (one of them actually came out 6 years before the original Wolf Man did). Bride of Wolf Man is an untapped treasure! Think of all the Gypsy jokes the film could have!!!

What say you?

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Classic, Monster, Werewolf,

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The Mad Monster (1942)

FEBRUARY 20, 2008

GENRE: MAD SCIENTIST, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 2!!!)

One thing I tend to forget about when I am watching older movies like The Mad Monster is the Production Code, only to have an implementation of one of its "rules" completely take you out of a scene. It’s pretty fascinating when you think about it, and if you’re unfamiliar with it I urge you to check out the Wikipedia for it (or even a real encyclopedia, if that’s your bag). Sometimes I wonder how the film industry would be had the code never been (rightfully) abolished. The Saw films would certainly be interesting... the damn Code wouldn’t have allowed the friggin SETTING (a bathroom) for half the time!

Anyway, I was reminded of it late in the film when a guy goes to give our requisite guinea pig (a guy who ironically looks a bit like future Wolf Man Benicio Del Toro) a shot. He walks over, and then there’s a fade to probably 20 seconds later once the shot has been given and the needle withdrawn. Because, even though it was technically being used for a medical purpose (as opposed to heroin), it apparently still fell under “illegal drug use”, something forbidden by the Code. So poorly thought out the thing was, that narrative flow was ruined in this and dog knows how many other films just to spare the audience the sight of something that they had all seen (and probably used) in their life. Nice work. Shit makes the nonsense of Joe Lieberman look reasonable.

The Code cannot be entirely blamed for the (still chilling) scene where the wolf kills a little girl. Naturally, we don’t see the act, but instead the poor kid’s ball rolling out of her bedroom, following by her mother’s panicked screaming. Great scene, rivaling any of the similar kid killings in the old Universal movies. I assume that even if such a thing were allowed to be seen in a film, it would still be filmed the way it was (and the scene would probably have been weakened had actual violence been shown).

Also, this movie may have the earliest appearance of the monster in mad scientist history. The movie’s not even 5 minutes old by the time we get our first transformation scene! Naturally, it slows down considerably afterwards, but at least they got things started on the right note. This is even more important when you consider the rather weak plot, which is just yet another variation on the “Scientist gets revenge on the other scientists who doubted him” plot. Look, if any scientists are reading this, listen up: if a colleague says he’s developing some ridiculous new formula, BACK HIM! Even if it’s just a “Well good luck, buddy!”, it’s a hell of a lot better than telling him he’s insane and then getting yourself mauled to death later when the formula turns out to work after all.

Like last week’s Dead Men Walk, this one stars George Zucco. I must admit I never heard of the gent prior to watching these films, but I’m quickly becoming a fan. In addition to his lovably demented demeanor in both films (did he ALWAYS play a guy seeking revenge?), both of his roles required him to be probably the first actor to talk to empty sets for future effects scenes. In Walk he had to do some split screen stuff to play both roles of twin brothers, and here he has a rather odd scene where he talks to four ghosts, all of whom are opaque. It’s a really well done scene.

At 76 minutes, this is one of the longest movies on the Horror Classics set (and according to the IMDb, the longest B-film from the 1940’s “poverty row” line), and I would just like to point out again that I really hate the Creek for not putting all of the running times next to the titles on this set, as they have for all of the others. Jerks.

What say you?

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Horror Classics, Mad Scientist, Werewolf,

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Werewolf: The Devil's Hound

JANUARY 16, 2008

GENRE: COMEDIC, INDEPENDENT, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

I’ve just about had it up to here with Lion’s Gate’s blatant false advertising. While the non-zombie movie Rise of the Dead turned out to be so outstandingly fucked up that I was OK with the ruse, I am pretty annoyed that Werewolf: The Devil’s Hound is a goofy comedy and not the “gory and intense” movie the trailer tried to sell it as. Granted, the movie sucks either way, but they can at least sell it as a comedy if that’s what it actually is; I laugh at the notion that someone decides not to rent it because they think it will be too scary for them.

It seems that Connecticut is the bane of my existence. I’ve been in a sort of Cold War with the state for the past decade. The first time I ever drove through it, I got a speeding ticket for going, no lie, 68 in a 65. 240 bucks. A few years later I had a blowout courtesy of a rock in the road, and spent a good hour and a half on the side of the highway (no breakdown lane) waiting for AAA. Last month I was stranded there during a snowstorm and got another ticket for parking on the street during a storm (due to the fact that no off street parking was provided in the area I was in). Their drivers are also particularly bad; I have witnessed several driving 55 in the fast lane only to suddenly dart over 4 lanes to take an exit. So the fact that this movie seemingly revels in its CT origins didn’t help me get over the fact that this werewolf movie was more interested in an Eddie Deezen wannabe “hilariously” breaking props (the movie actually takes place in a movie pyrotechnics workshop) than telling an original story or having any sort of suspense.

Of course, even as a comedy the film is an utter failure, since it’s not funny, at least not to me, a man who doesn’t know the filmmakers or cast. Yes, I got a very strong sense that quite a few of the “comedic” moments are probably only funny to the filmmakers and their friends. I can’t quite explain it, but they just have that feel. They’re certainly not funny, at any rate. Why would a grown man pass the time in his own working location by dressing up as a ghost, running around and jumping off chairs? Why “Kwan with a K” speaking in horrendously matched German accented voice over during the finale? Why is the father kidnapped by UFOs at the end (complete with an anal probe joke – straight out of 1985!)? It’s not funny, it serves no storytelling purpose... it’s just dumb. But I’m sure they think it’s hilarious.

So is there anything positive to say about it? Sure. For an obviously WAY low budget affair, most of the effects (visual or practical) are decent, though the blood looks oddly pink in one scene. And the camerawork, while wholly ripped off from Evil Dead 2 and Shaun of the Dead, is frenetic, making the more boring scenes at least somewhat interesting to watch. Had it been shot on film instead of ugly DV (hopefully a budgetary limitation and not a personal choice) this would actually be a decent looking movie throughout (the script would still be worth less than piss, but hey).

Incidentally, the two funniest moments in the film (to me anyway) were wholly unintentional. In one, our Sam Rockwell-y hero goes to investigate a banging door. This is a horror movie staple, the door is usually an old screen door or something, banging in the wind. But here, the door is in fact a giant metal factory door, and it swings back and forth so unnaturally, I’m surprised they didn’t just show us the rope or guy actually making it move for another “joke”. In the other, a cop is discussing a victim who he believes has been run over, suggesting that the train “might have run her over a couple times”. Did it back up?

There’s only one special feature really, which is about the non-memorable music in the film. I guess if you liked the music it might be interesting. There’s also a commentary track which I shut off after 10 minutes, because it was boring as hell; the most interesting thing they divulged in that time is that the lead actor parted his hair differently in one shot (plus they say that Argento, Carpenter, and Romero were influences; none of which are even remotely apparent). They also claim that the film is part documentary simply because the shooting location really WAS a fireworks factory, but they don’t seem to be joking.

What say you?

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Comedic, Independent, Werewolf,

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The Howling

DECEMBER 31, 2007

GENRE: WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

How’s this for disappointment? I sit down to watch The Howling for the first time since I was 6, expecting that, like Gremlins (another Dante film that I just re-watched for the first time since hitting puberty), I will enjoy it on a different, and higher, level. But not only do I discover that whatever I watched as a kid WASN’T The Howling, but I also didn’t really much enjoy the actual Howling. So now a childhood memory is tarnished, and there’s a rare good werewolf movie out there whose name is unknown to me.

Part of the problem with the film is that it’s needlessly slow. It’s almost a good hour before we get any werewolf action. That would be OK if we liked the characters and situations that led up to it, but that is not the case here, since our characters are mostly hippies and jerks, hanging out doing hippie and jerk things. Who wants to watch that? GET TO THE WEREWOLF! Once they do, the film picks up, but it still pales in comparison to the superior American Werewolf in London, which came out the same year.

Of course, it’s not without merit. The Rob Bottin effects are just as good as Rick Baker’s for London, and the little in-jokes are quite amusing. Best was Roger Corman, in what I am almost positive was a nod to William Castle’s appearance in Rosemary’s Baby (both are seen as a red herring outside of a phone booth, and both are notorious low budget horror filmmakers). Had I not finally watched Rosemary a few weeks ago, this reference would be lost on me. And Dick Miller, a Dante staple, is a hoot in his small role as a book store owner who yells at Forry Ackerman. More stuff like this, and more werewolves, and this movie would be aces. But no, we spend most of the time watching hippies sit around campfires and Dee Wallace argue with her husband about their lacking sex life.

The DVD features a lot of extras, which I haven’t gone through yet but if you’re a fan you should be pleased (2 documentaries, a commentary, deleted scenes...). One I DID watch was an Easter Egg; an all too brief interview with Dick Miller reminiscing about his early days of acting, which to me was a real treat (he reveals, among other things, that he played both a cowboy and an Indian in the same movie). Love that guy.

I also like that a smiley face sticker foreshadows evil.

In the pantheon of werewolf movies, it’s not unwatchable, or even bad. I’d say it falls right smack in the middle of the pack (pun sort of intended, and at any rate at least acknowledged). It’s just unfortunate that the things I DO like about it, for the most part, have nothing at all to do with the damn story.

Plus, now I gotta figure out what the hell the movie I watched as a kid is.

What say you?

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Based On Novel, Werewolf,

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American Werewolf In London

DECEMBER 9, 2007

GENRE: COMEDIC, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

There are two films that I think will shock my readers to realize I had never seen them. American Werewolf In London is one (sort of). The other is far more “Are you SERIOUS? NEVER?!?!?”-y, and I expect to be flogged when that day comes (the title will be the subject of an upcoming poll!). In London’s case, I had seen bits and pieces of it throughout the years, and thus knew the general gist of it all, but had never seen the entire thing in one sitting, and for every scene I knew, there were one or two others I didn’t.

As I’ve said several times, there are very few good werewolf movies. And now that I have seen this near perfect masterpiece in its entirety, that claim is even more true, for the ones I actually liked (such as Big Bad Wolf) are borderline shit when compared to this. It’s a shame Landis has more or less stepped away from horror (MoH episodes don’t count!), as this film proves he is one of the few filmmakers who successfully blend horror with comedy.

Rick Baker’s effects are terrific (the transformation scene comes out of nowhere!), and while a surprising number of kills occur offscreen, the “stalk” scenes before the kills are uniformly great, in particular the one in the subway where the wolf appears at the bottom of the escalator. And the initial attack scene is pretty suspenseful too. So the movie certainly succeeds as a straight horror film. BUT, it’s fucking hilarious too! I have a new entry in my “10 funniest lines in movie history” list. There’s a scene early on where the doctor gets a phone call, and his response is nothing short of brilliant. “I don’t want to talk to him. Tell him I died.” HAHAHAHAH oh man, if anyone ever called me I would totally use that in response.

I also liked the continuing friendship of the two guys. I wish they made it a little more ambiguous as to whether or not Jack was actually back from the dead, but oh well. There scenes together (with Jack becoming more and more decrepit with each scene) are the heart of the film, in my opinion, and the lack of this type of camaraderie was one of the many, many, MANY things that the sequel got wrong. And the Hammer style, epilogue-less ending was perfect, if a bit abrupt (I really thought there was another 10 minutes or so, but nope).

Sadly, the print (this was part of Edgar Wright’s festival in Los Angeles) was marred with some technical issues. The picture dropped out entirely twice (it otherwise looked fucking beautiful for a 26 year old film), and the 4th reel was all but totally drowned out by a mechanical noise. Bummer. And since it wasn’t the “real” night for the event (every double feature screens twice, but Edgar and special guests only appear on one of the nights), it wasn’t very crowded, which is always a big part of the fun. But then again, since I was technically seeing the film for the first time, I guess the quieter audience was a plus, as I didn’t have to “ssh” anyone so I could hear the dialogue everyone else knew by heart.

What say you?

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Comedic, Werewolf,

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Big Bad Wolf

SEPTEMBER 12, 2007

GENRE: COMEDIC, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Yet another movie that was negatively recommended to me, Big Bad Wolf was actually pretty damn fun. As I’ve said before, I usually dislike werewolf movies, but I had a good time watching this, despite some groan-inducing moments, plus a big fuck you from the DVD company, who play some trailers when you hit the “PLAY MOVIE” option from the main menu. Remember kids: a movie and a trailer for other movies from the same company are TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FUCKING THINGS.

Like I said, it’s not a perfect film. The wolf makes wisecracks, most of which are pretty terrible. Luckily there’s only about a dozen in the film. There’s also a truly idiotic moment where a guy breaks into the bad guy’s office to retrieve a DNA report the bad guy had stolen from him. Not only does he stick around to read the thing rather than just take it and leave, but then he stops to take a photo of it! It’s YOUR fucking report dude! Then he gets even STUPIDER, sticking around even longer by sending a text message! Christ. And while the werewolf is a genuine man in suit for the most part, the CG transformation is pretty bad (though we only have to see it once, and it’s quick).

Otherwise the movie is much better than I expected. Not only is it impossible to dislike a film that even features, let alone stars Richard Tyson (Buddy!), but there’s a lot of decent twists to what could have been a very generic movie. The first 10 minutes or so would have you believe that the film was going to be the umpteenth variation on the “A bunch of kids in a cabin get killed one by one by a monster” story, but then suddenly almost all the kids are gruesomely killed and the movie becomes more like The Stepfather (not surprising since a character’s name is Joe Ruben), implementing a surprising bit of suspense into the proceedings as the bland lead and his super cute (but unfortunately over-facially-pierced) would-be girlfriend go about trying to prove his asshole stepfather is in fact a wisecracking, refreshingly non CGI werewolf.

And the fairly-originality doesn’t stop there. The werewolf rapes one of the dumb girls, which elicits the response “She was a virgin you monster!”, and the ending is a bit of a downer. But most importantly, the movie comes up with the single best way to ‘prove’ the main suspect is a werewolf. I don’t want to give it away, but let’s just say it includes the love interest of the protagonist blowing his stepdad in order to get his DNA.

Oh, wait. Sorry.

There’s actually a lot of off-kilter sexuality in the film. In addition to the oral (the resulting fight between the girl and the kid is pretty amazing as well, with lines like “I’ll give you a call if I need someone to fuck him to death!”, complete with sad music) and the werewolf rape, there’s also a character who enjoys kinky sex with his girlfriend (the cute lead from the otherwise execrable Dead Man’s Hand), asking her if she will watch him jerk off while he wears her underwear (!!!). Later, they are making love against a tree and she keeps muttering how she can’t feel anything. What the hell? I’m surprised the director didn’t work in any incest while he was it (though there is a hint that the main kid’s uncle has designs on his brother’s wife).

There’s some other minor in-jokes and some decent gore throughout the film, adding to the enjoyment. And the end credits song is one of the best alt-rock power ballads I have heard in the end credits of a horror film since Brother Cane’s ‘And Fools Shine On’ in Halloween 6. Unfortunately the commentary is a total bore, as the director merely praises everyone (including the boom operator, and more than once) and points out filming locations and things that were shot after principal photography. Dude, you made a movie where a girl has to blow her boyfriend’s step-dad to prove he’s a werewolf; no one watching it gives a rat’s fucking ass that the driveway is in Griffith Park while the house is in Topanga.

What say you?

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Comedic, Werewolf,

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Werewolf In A Girl's Dormitory

AUGUST 21, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!!!)

Some professor: “I believe it was a lycanthropist.”
Some other guy: “In other words, a sort of werewolf.”

That’s just a sampling of the plethora of worthless dialogue that you’ll hear in any given minute of Werewolf In A Girl’s Dormitory, which barely even lives up to its boring, SOAP-esque title, as only like two scenes find the wolf inside the dorm. It'd be like if you called Titanic "Treasure Diving".

Whether the dialogue has any relevance or not doesn’t even matter, because all of it is dubbed by folks who never quite reach “Bad SNL host reading his cue cards” levels of laziness. Whether they were just trying to match the mouth movements of the original actors (who are almost as wooden as their dubbers anyway), or they are just stupid people, lines like “I’ll call…. police” delivered in this manner only serve to make a bad movie worse.

But the biggest problem is how dreadfully boring the goddamn thing is. Rather than simply have a werewolf run into a dorm, find a girl and kill her every 10 minutes or so, which is all anyone would want out of a movie with such a title, they try to legitimize the damn thing by adding a plot involving blackmail, affairs, etc. Werewolves and Dormitories don’t show up nearly as much as threatening letters and courtyards. So again, it’s a lot like SOAP.

One scene in particular nearly sent me into a fit. Early on in the film, the werewolf hurts one of its front legs, so naturally the human everyone is seeking would have an injured arm (this leads to having to come up with an excuse for an injured arm for every red herring). As the scene begins, one suspect is in a bar, and someone says “Hey, his right arm isn’t functioning!” The suspect responds by pulling out a knife with his left hand… and then easily opening it with his right. And no one notices. Then a guy just sort of mentions offhand “You’ll never get away,” in the same tone one might point out someone’s untied shoe. Then another guy calmly grabs him, which results in the suspect’s friend yelling out “Stop it! You’re all going mad!” When in reality everyone is just sort of standing around not saying anything. In less than one minute of screen time you can see pretty much everything wrong with this movie.

Main girl’s kinda cute though. And her character’s name is Priscilla, which resulted in my singing of the appropriate Meat Loaf song every time her name was said. “Priscilla! Priscilla! Nearly sixteen but they treat you like a kid…”

What say you?

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Chilling Classics, Crap, Werewolf,

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Skinwalkers

AUGUST 11, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REGULAR SCREENING)

Here ya go, After Dark; a quote for the TV spots or maybe the DVD release:

“Skinwalkers is After Dark’s best film yet!”

Now, anyone with half a brain knows that means entirely nothing, but hey, spin is spin. Besides, this is a company that added a scene of a cute little puppy being shotgunned in the face in order to ‘improve’ their last film, so why put anything past them?

The only original thing in the entirety of the film comes during the opening credits. Rather than a full credit list at the top, they only list the production companies and title. This isn’t anything new, films have been doing that for ages (and if you ask me, all of them should save the titles for the end of the film). But while they save the cast, director, producers, music, etc for the end, the writing credit is placed at the front. Considering that the script is the film’s biggest problem, you gotta wonder why they would single the writers out. It’s like they are saying “Look, if you want to know who directed this fucking thing, you gotta wait til the film ends! But to be fair, the guys responsible for all of the awful and clunky exposition-filled dialogue you’re about to hear are James Roday, Todd Harthan, and James DeMonaco”. Thanks?

The script, which steals every idea from movies like Underworld, Night Watch, Near Dark, Blade, certain episodes of Buffy, Terminator 2 and 3, etc., isn’t the only sign of ineptitude though. Both Rhona Mitra (the only reason to watch the film – she gets hotter and hotter as it goes) and the bad guys enter the town from the same road, passing the same sign. But in their respective next shots, they pass the same coffee shop from opposite directions. The obvious editing to make the film PG-13 is also horrendous, as several awkward or just plain confusing edits are employed to hide whatever bits of violence or gore that had to be excised to allow kids of all ages to be bored along with everyone else. It’s like, USA version of Friday the 13th 5 bad, particularly in the climax. They might as well have titled the film Offscreen. I got so bored at one point that when a guy came into the theater to look for something he dropped during the previous screening, I watched him look around for a while and even contemplated helping him.

You also gotta hate a movie that casts Kim Coates and then doesn’t give him anything to do. Coates is fucking amazing, and should be as ‘famous’ as your Peter Stormares and John Glovers. He’s that great. But here he’s basically an anonymous henchman, and I can’t even remember how he died. Shameful.

And what the fuck is with people writing movies about werewolves that never stop fucking shooting each other long enough to use THEIR GODDAMN CLAWS AND TEETH! We literally have ONE goddamn scene in the entire film with the werewolves actually doing anything before the climax. Everything else we see are just poorly shot gunfights.

Speaking of the gunfights, there’s an amazingly hilarious scene early on when the bad guys meet up with the good guys. First the bad guy draws his gun. Then an old lady draws hers. The other bad guys draw, and then a few folks run out of various stores with their own weapons, including a mailman brandishing a shotgun. This is partially explained later, but I wish it wasn’t, I’d probably elevate the movie out of crap if they just tried to have us believe that everyone carried around weapons for the hell of it.

I also had another odd case of Movie ESP (see my Dead Calling review). At a certain point in the film, a few characters check into a hotel. The motel clerk is a creepy looking guy with balding dark hair, so I said to myself, “What, was Julian Richings too busy?” Then, in the very next scene, someone knocks on their hotel room door. And who is it?? The actual Julian Richings!!! I was dumbfounded, amused, scared, and still bored, because it was Skinwalkers.

Nice shots of the foliage though. That’s about all I miss about New England weather, so thanks.

What say you?

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Crap, Werewolf,

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Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed

JULY 29, 2007

GENRE: WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Way back in April, I watched the first Ginger Snaps, a film that started off almost unbearable but eventually turned out pretty great. Luckily the sequel, Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed, has no such problems. Yes, we have here a true rarity, especially in the DTV world: A sequel that improves on the original.

The movie picks up more or less where the original left off, though the mother is MIA and never mentioned. Brigitte, a.k.a. the less hot sister, is now becoming a werewolf, and worse, is haunted by the ghost of her sister. I say worse because since she is a ghost, she doesn’t slut around like she did in the original. Sigh.

And much like the first one, the film falls into the rare “feminist horror” sub-genre. In fact, it often comes off like Girl, Interrupted, albeit with an occasional werewolf attack. But it never overpowers the narrative, and the film moves along swiftly. The effects are also greatly improved (they used a mechanical/foam werewolf this time, at least I think. I don’t spot any obvious CG at any rate), so kudos!

The only thing I didn’t really dig was the lack of explaining why the hospital orderly guy had a large supply of Monkshood, which is the antidote Brigitte needed to keep from wolfing out. Does he just carry some around, just in case? The film also never bothers identifying the male wolf that comes after Brigitte. It’s SORT OF set up as a mystery (and the first film had a few male characters who may now be wolves), but it’s never resolved. Oh well. It still eats a few folks and that’s all that matters.

There is also a 3rd film, so I will check that one out before year’s end, and thus conclude the first “HMAD Franchise”! Unless I go through the Dark Harvest series quicker than any man should (which is to say, watching all of them before death)

What say you?

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Werewolf,

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Blood & Chocolate (2007)

JULY 7, 2007

GENRE: TEEN, WEREWOLF

SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Though most of my work for Bloody-D is editing based, I occasionally do the odd interview or junket. Usually my reasons are simple: I like free food. But there was no such benefit to interviewing Agnes Bruckner on the phone for Blood & Chocolate. I couldn’t even see her!! But it was all worth it, when I asked her “What do you prefer, blood or chocolate?” I didn’t write that question, and I made sure to point that out. We then laughed at how stupid a question it was. Whether she answered or not, I forget.

It became all the more hilarious when I finally watched the movie, as I, like 6 billion other human beings, decided not to venture out to the multiplexes for a movie that looked like Romeo & Juliet spawned by the unholy mating of Underworld and an actual piece of feces. Blood makes enough sense (even if there is very little of it seen in the film, being a PG-13 entry), but why Chocolate? Well, you see, she works in a candy store. This is just a generic working locale, it has zero to do with the plot or anything else. As my friend pointed out, “So if she worked in a taco stand the name of the movie would be Blood and Tacos?”



The title is of course, the only memorable thing about the damn movie (everyone and their brother seems to recall being at the theater for Rocky Balboa, seeing this trailer, and laughing hysterically when the movie trailer voice announced the title as if it had any gravitas. “BLOOD…. AND CHOCOLATE!”). I can’t even understand what some of my notes mean, a few hours later. But in the interest of actually discussing the movie, I’ll try.



I must give the movie SOME props though, for filming in Romania, like 90% of all horror movies, but actually SETTING it in Romania as well. Unlike New York, Boston, etc, Romania actually looks like Romania. And instead of using cheesy CG morphing effects (I assume the idea of an actual practical, American Werewolf-style transformation is forever out of the question) to show the humans turn into wolves, they turn into ghosts first and then turn. Looks a little better. Doesn’t explain where their pants go though.



The rest of the movie is nonsense though. For example, for no discernible reason the people side jump walls as they run by. It serves no purpose, if anything it would just slow them down. They literally just run along, suddenly jump at a wall, then continue running along the pavement. All of them do it at least once, and I can never for the life of me understand why they bother. Sort of like when you see a skateboarder try a trick and then fail instantly.



Also, why cast Oliver Martinez in a movie and never give him as amazing a line as “ONE HUNDARAD MEEEELLLION DOLLASSSSSSSS”??? Other than his amusing way of saying “Afraid” (it sounds like “Alfred”), he never gets to say anything hilarious. All that dialogue belongs to his co-stars, such as Bryan Dick’s (snicker) baffling “I AM the train!” response to a guy promising he will take the next train out of town. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? He wants the guy to ride him out of town?



But nothing compares to this howler. As with all movies about lovers, there’s a scene where they have a fight that ends with one walking away from the other. And there’s always a line like “I wish I never met you” (or a specific to the movie variant, i.e. “I wish I had never joined NASA.” or whatever) before the music swells. What did Ehren Kruger (writer of many awful films like Ring Two and Scream 3) come up with? “If you cared a bit about me, you would have left before you ever met me.” What the Christing fuck??? I ASSUME it’s supposed to allude to true love being eternal, soul mates and all that jazz, but it doesn’t come out but anything but hilariously stupid.



And the best scene in the movie was deleted! We see Agnes at the candy store, and a kid walks in and asks for a box of candy. As she prepares it, he notices she’s upset. He says some encouraging words of wisdom (or what passes for them in this world), and then says “See you at the hunt tonight!” HAHAHAH the little 9 year old is a damn wahr-wolf! I’d go so far as to actually recommend the movie if they had included that scene in the final print. Most of the other deleted scenes concern Agnes’ aunt, a former lover of Martinez (look I can’t remember the names anymore. You look it up) who wants him back. If I was that chick, I’d be pretty pissed off that almost every one of my scenes was cut from the film in favor of scenes like 60 guys taking their shirt off and hissing before running around and diving through the air. David DeCoteau must love the shit out of this movie.



Oh the music is pretty good too.



What say you?

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Based On Novel, Teen, Werewolf,

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