Halloween: Unrated Director's Cut (2007)

JANUARY 15, 2008

GENRE: REMAKE, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (Sigh... OWN COLLECTION)

While HMAD sort of got ‘famous’ for posting a list of all the differences between the “workprint” and theatrical versions of Rob Zombie’s Halloween, I never actually reviewed that version. And I kind of feel bad about that, because in all honesty, it was a much better film in that form. It still suffered from major problems, but many of the things I disliked in the theatrical version were corrected, or at least improved, in the original version. With that in mind, I was actually looking forward to Rob’s official “Director’s Cut”, which was issued on DVD alongside the theatrical. But as it turns out, this version is, astonishingly enough, the WORST of the three.

Luckily, some of the “workprint” stuff has been re-inserted in the film, such as Michael following Laurie home after school (the only sort of “stalking” scene of merit in the entire film) and another scene with Udo Kier, rendering his cameo slightly less jarring. So folks who never saw the workprint version sort of luck out in these regard, as these scenes help the film. Unfortunately, Rob chose to go back to the original, awful version of Michael’s escape, which involves raping a female inmate and more general redneckery. The theatrical version (Michael kills a bunch of cameos, er, guards during a transfer) isn’t all that much better, but it’s at least consistent with the film’s ideas. This version sort of sets up Michael as a sympathetic antihero, who escaped because it was convenient at the time. But making the whole thing even STUPIDER, this version also has the Danny Trejo death scene (not in the workprint), which means Michael just sort of hung around the hospital long after he could have escaped so he could kill the film’s only sympathetic character. Fine, whatever.

Some stuff in this version wasn’t in either of the previous cuts (see the updated list for a fullish rundown of changes), but most of it is sort of superfluous, like an extra asylum “interview” in which no one speaks. One thing of note is some grainy super 16 footage, presumably shot by Loomis, of young Michael in a mask. During these quick inserts (there’s like 3 or 4 sprinkled into the asylum sequence), Loomis explains a bit about all of the masks Michael made, and these bits also help clarify how much time has passed. The only other “new” addition of note is a quick bit during the finale that proves that Loomis HAS in fact survived his injuries. This struck me as odd – when I interviewed Rob for the DVD release I asked if Loomis survived or not and he said that’s up to the producers. But now it’s pretty obvious he lives – a few minutes after Michael squishes his head, Loomis grabs at Michael from the floor, and then Michael just sort of brushes him off. While it’s sort of an OK addition, it also makes the brutally bad continuity error of Loomis’ head injuries all the more apparent, so if it’s NOT there to help explain that Loomis is indeed alive, why bother putting it in at all? Again, whatever.

Speaking of the ending, this version has the theatrical ending (though I never noticed before, you can see an out of focus cop, possibly Brackett, in the background while Loomis talks; a remnant of the previous, and superior ending). This ending is not only insanely overlong (Michael smashes the ceiling for what seems like a full 5 minutes), but it also once again puts the focus on Laurie, who is a non-character in the remake. She doesn’t appear until an hour into the film, and even then she’s not exactly front and center for the most part. If not for the fact that the NAME “Laurie Strode” is important to the Halloween legacy, the film gives absolutely no reason for us to really care about her any more than her annoying friends (or anyone else in the movie who is actually allowed more than one scene). In the workprint version, the film is more clearly about Michael and Loomis, but in the theatrical (and now, this “definitive”) cuts, the movie is about Michael and Loomis for one half, and Michael and Laurie for another.

A couple of the editing decisions that were made for the theatrical release remain correct. The truly stupid scene from the workprint where Lynda pours a drink all over a female classmate is nowhere to be seen, and Rob was wise to keep in the “color spectrum” scene that was absent from the workprint. Not that it’s a particular highlight of the film, but it lengthens the asylum stuff, which is not only the best segment of the film but also delays the point in time where Michael escapes, at which point all three versions of the film fall apart (to differing degrees).

Rob’s commentary isn’t particularly enlightening; he mentions the reshoots on occasion but doesn’t quite go into detail about them, nor does he pull a Michael Bay and start going off on the public reception (listen to the commentary for The Island – all of a sudden Bay begins ranting and raving about the box office gross, it’s fucking amazing). Instead, he just sort of discusses where each scene was shot and tells some humorous anecdotes about a few of the actors (apparently Danny Trejo didn’t like that he looked “like a bitch” as he was drowned). So I was a bit disappointed; I would have liked to have heard him be a bit defensive and talk about the genesis of his ideas. But still, I like listening to Rob speak, even if I disagree with some of his choices, and frankly I’d much rather listen to him talk about Pasadena shooting locations than Laurie talk about being molested by the hardware store owner.

So oh well. The last chance the movie had at working, but it ends up being the least effective. Like I’ve said all along, I wasn’t on the “hate” train with this movie; I like a lot of remakes and I like Rob’s other films. And there are a few scenes that I really enjoy, plus there are two good jump scares. But overall it just doesn’t work for me. Can’t say I haven’t tried – this makes the 6th time I have watched the film in some form (7 if you count the commentary viewing), which is more of a chance than I have given any other movie in history that I’ve disliked (and 7 more chances than most of the film’s hardcore detractors ever gave it). I even bought the damn thing; this wasn't a studio freebie (gee, wonder why they didn't want to give me one for free?). Let’s move on, shall we?

What say you?

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Halloween Series, Non Canon, Remake, Slasher,

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October Extras #32 - Halloween (1978)

OCTOBER 31, 2007

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)
LAST SEEN: 2006 (THEATRICAL)

In the FAQ, which I am beginning to suspect no one has actually read (considering THREE people just this week were unaware that I truly AM watching a horror movie or two every single day, not just reviewing one from memory), I specifically point out Halloween as being a film that I won’t review, because not only have I seen it (obviously), but there are enough reviews of it on the web. But then I began doing the “October Extras” feature, and obviously I wouldn’t let the film’s namesake holiday pass without giving it another look. But, to make things different, I won’t review it or even do my usual style of write-up for the film. Instead I’ll be presenting my rambling thoughts as the film unfolds. I hope it makes sense (might help to put the film on as you read!). Enjoy (it's fucking LONG though)!

OK, here we go... Compass International... and there’s the pumpkin! Halloweens 1-5 all have really sweet credit sequences (Dimension – fucking it up any way they can), most involving pumpkins. Also the music, still the finest theme ever recorded for a horror movie. Carpenter told a story about an exec passing on the film when she saw it without the score, then came back and told him it was the scariest movie she ever saw once she saw it again with the score intact..... I never understood what these kids were saying until DVD came along (there’s a few lines in the film that suffer the same fate).... it’s kind of a stupid poem...

Holy FUCK this guy is a quick lay. Seriously, like, what, 60 seconds has passed and he’s already dressed again? Hahaha the mask POV... I saw Halloween 4 before I first saw this movie, so the great homage at the end of 4 was totally lost on me. Oh well....

HAHAHAH the total non-reaction of Michael’s mom always kills me. Just stands there, hands in her pocket... 15 years later! Loomis! I fucking HATE how they added in “storm” sounds on the new DVD... but it’s either that or watch the film in mono. Come on now.... why does he even look at the matchbook? “Since when do they let them wander around?” Hahahaha oblivious....

Wow she is a really odd panic driver.... just hit the brake, dummy!.... Another bonus of DVD, seeing the wrench in Michael’s hand when he smashes the window... “The evil is gone!” and so begins Loomis’ obsession with saying “Evil” every other time he speaks.

This is actually my favorite piece of music in the film (really soft, over Laurie's introduction), and the sequels sort of ignore this one for whatever reason. I think it’s the most foreboding, even more than the usual DUN! DUNDUN! DUN! DUNDUN! DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN... here’s the West LA neighborhood scene. When I first moved to LA in 2005 it was pretty much the first thing I did, go look at all the filming locations I could find (also where Fletch’s apartment was!)... here’s another one of those lines that I always misheard on muddled VHS, I thought Tommy was asking “Will you rape me?” Hahaha, I’m surprised Zombie didn’t have her do just that in the remake....

Ah, here we go, the first of what will be many scenes that are TOTALLY FUCKING BOTCHED when you watch the movie in pan and scan. You hear Michael breathing but you don’t actually SEE him on the side of the frame, only Laurie singing her depressing song. Goddamn pan and scan.... Dr Wynn! “For god’s sake Sam he can’t drive a car!” A line that would serve to pretty much ruin the 6th film....

Sweet, the teacher just said “Collins” (that’s me!). What the hell book is she talking about anyway? Kudos to Laurie, she can daydream and still answer the question right. Hey Michael, with his mask on, hours before he steals it. A continuity error that Rob Zombie claims is just a nonsensical plot hole that he intended to correct in his film, which had, among other things, magic walls that reappear after being smashed.... hahah smash the pumpkin! There’s the mask again.... why doesn’t Tommy notice a car following him at like 2 mph?

Here’s another part Zombie bitched about, Loomis calling from the same place Michael got his coveralls. Look around, Rob, do you see a lot of civilization? They’re supposed to be in the Midwest, and it’s the 70s. It’s probably one of the few pay phones there actually WERE from Smith’s Grove to Haddonfield. Christ. I thought I was nitpicky...

Hell with understanding what they were saying, I never even HEARD these cheerleaders until the DVD came long.... why is the dance AFTER Halloween? Oh wait, it’s homecoming, not a Halloween dance. Never mind....

I wonder what Devon Graham looks like? He should be in one of the sequels... Does Annie even LIKE her friends? She just said that talking to Laurie is just as appealing as watching a child sleep. Christ, get different friends then.... OK this part I think was a bit botched. Carpenter’s hilarious cigarette smoke aside, it would have worked better if we never saw that Michael was gone (from Annie’s POV) until Laurie got there. Maybe just me. Oh man, this part... when I saw the film in 2003 on an actual film print, the print was totally messed up, missing lots of frames and such. And so when Annie goes “Bye!” the film jumped ahead like 10 seconds, so Annie was already inside. Perfect timing!.... What the hell time do the kids in Haddonfield begin trick or treating??? It’s like 3 o clock. And what the HELL does this “superstition” line mean? Even Carpenter says he has no idea on the commentary track.

Annie says she’ll pick Laurie up at 6:30, but that scene is totally bright. Looks more like 3:30, tops. Oh well. Charlie Bowles story!!! God this part is great. Someone needs to finish the tale... OK now Laurie is sitting outside with the pumpkin, and I STILL don’t see anyone taking the picture that Jamie has in part 4.

OK now it looks a bit later, still not 6:30 late though. “He shouts too!” is a great line. And kind of sad, last time his daughter speaks to him, she’s mocking his attempts to bond with her. Here’s another moment that totally sucks in pan and scan – you don’t see the car approaching on the left side while Loomis looks the other way... How far is it to the goddamn Doyle house? Hey I drove on this street (when they stop and turn right)! Looks pretty much exactly the same ... jeez, Michael follows so close. Back up, man!

OK, the whole “Sister” thing from the sequels really doesn’t make any sense in the context of this film. Not only did he follow Tommy around before, but he’s also seemingly more interested in Annie!... sweet, the Myers house. This whole reel had a farting noise over it at that screening I mentioned.... Another line I never understood on VHS (“You must think me as a very sinister doctor” I think?)...

Well if your mom doesn’t want you to have the comics why don’t you hide them in YOUR room, dumbass? And what’s so bad about Neutron Man? Sounds like he could learn some basic science from that one.

I love how Lindsay hangs up the phone when Paul asks her to go get Annie. Brat.... this is one of the best scares in slasher history (Michael at the door while Annie talks to Paul), and surprisingly it’s not botched on pan and scan... OK seriously, why not just say Annie was his sister? He doesn’t seem to have any interest in Laurie at all at this point. I like the moment where Annie feeds Laurie some popcorn, nice little touch.... Hahaha I sing this song all the time when I’m going to my car. “OH Paul, I give you all... no keys... but please, my Paul....”

Here’s another widescreen moment, but I’ve seen two versions of it on pan and scan. One holds on Annie so you can’t see him at all, and another just makes an edit as they shift to the left so you can see him sit up. Either way it’s fucking awful. This movie should never be viewed cropped, ever.

Wow, Loomis smiling non-maniacally. “Hey, Lonnie... get your ass away from there!” Hahaha. I like that Brackett thinks Loomis is over the top too. Fancy talk!

If you’ve seen the TV version, this line about Lynda’s blouse takes on new meaning. Not a very interesting one, but one nonetheless... Someone on IMDb commented that Bob is a pedophile because he makes the joke about Lindsay’s clothes. Moron...

Yet another scene that loses all its effect unless it’s widescreen ... and Michael is kind of a perv, watching them fuck.... And now he watches again! Also, Bob comes in 20 seconds. What is it with these guys? If I come in under like 4 minutes I feel ashamed. “Fantastic”??? Man....

The creepiest moment in slasher history.

Whoa, Tommy and Lindsay are sleeping in the same bed! Bob’s going to be jealous.... Oh boy, here we go, the dumbest moment in the film. Loomis is standing there all night and just NOW notices that the fucking car is across the street!!!.... Hey Laurie goes out of her way to get the keys, yet they disappear later... where’d they go?

“Meatheads” is such a terrible insult.... man, why does Michael go through all this trouble stringing up bodies and stealing headstones? And how the hell does the door with Lynda behind it even open?.... This is a great moment, amazing reveal. Cundey said it was like your eyes getting used to the darkness and seeing him. Amazing. But on the newest DVD (25th anniversary one) you CAN’T see him until after you hear the sting. Way too dark now, that’s why I actually prefer the 1999 release.

Hahaha I love how Michael drops when she stabs him with the needle. Dammit, don’t drop the knife!.... OK I never got this – why does Loomis have Brackett check the back of the houses when he’s the one with the car? YOU fucking go out back, Loomis! Oh well, I guess it works out OK for him... Hahaha “You can’t kill the boogeymaaaaaah!” Can’t see this part right on pan and scan either. Carpenter’s just a fucking master of the wide image. Or at least, he was back then... the old Media VHS version had a strange error here. When Michael walks down the hall, the glint on his knife used to smear across the screen. Hurrah for DVD! Ah, the Mackenzie’s, always the destination of horror movie characters.

Hahaha “It was the boogeyman!”, which became, for some reason “What’s the boogeyman?” in the remake.... I dig this ending, with all the different locations... hey wait a minute; the knife is back on the floor by the couch!

Oh well, all done. God this movie is so fucking great. My family has been informed that I am to be buried with it (and a copy of Bat out of Hell). I won’t go anywhere without it! I want all 12 of the people who said the remake was better to explain themselves. What the fuck could you possibly find more appealing about the remake? “I prefer incoherency and white trash to atmosphere and suspense”? *Sigh*

What say you?

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Carpenter, Halloween Series, Holiday, October Extras, Slasher,

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October Extras #31 - Halloween 5 (1989)

OCTOBER 30, 2007

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)
LAST SEEN: 2006 (?) (DVD)

I think I just watched Halloween 5 again last year, when the new DVD came out. Or maybe I just watched the commentary. I dunno, who cares. Also, I'd like to point out that the "Revenge of Michael Myers" subtitle does not appear in the actual film, which I never noticed before.

Way to start the review off interesting, huh?

Like H20, 5 has great things, and terrible things, and it really depends on my mood which way I go with it. On one hand, it’s got some great and fairly unnerving sequences (Jamie in the laundry chute, the barn chase, and Rachel’s death), but on the other, its got those goddamn goofy fucking cops (with their even more annoying circus music), one of the series’ most annoying characters (Tina), and the fucking “Man in Black” that served to ultimately destroy the franchise. You can literally pinpoint the second the remake wheels began turning: when the man in black first appears, kicking a dog as he gets off a bus.

Yes, for reasons I forget, someone decided this film needed to begin to boost the mythology of Michael Myers a bit, so we have this mysterious man in black following him around throughout the movie, and shown as having the same tattoo as Michael has apparently always had (and, bonus of the large projection – the symbol appears on the wall at the Myers house near the end. Never noticed before.) At the end of the film, while Michael hilariously sits in a jail cell with his mask still on, the man comes along, fires what looks like a tommy gun into the police station, killing everyone and taking Michael away. Six years later, we found out it was a guy who was in one scene of the original, leading some nonsensical cult. Whatever.

There are so many moments in this film that just baffle me to no end. For starters, how does “Mikey” hear Tina calling him from what appears to be 3 blocks away as he DRIVES A CAR!?!?!? Why does Rachel scream in pain before picking up the phone to tell Loomis that Max is gone? Why does Mikey need to apologize to Sam? Why would Michael drive Tina to her party? Why has the Myers house suddenly become a giant gothic thing (complete with spiral room)? Why does “Cookie Woman” suddenly break Jamie’s mute status? Why does the title card say it’s one year later when everything else (Jamie’s age, the time since the night he first went after Laurie) puts it at two years since 4? Why would someone whose best friend’s family was destroyed by Michael Myers be so insensitive/stupid as to play a prank in which her friend pretends to be him (in front of cops no less)?

Speaking of that friend, has there ever been a stranger character in a slasher movie than “Spitz”? He laughs like Dr. Giggles almost non-stop, sings love songs to another guy when his super hot girlfriend is standing right there, and his name is Spitz. At one point in the film, I began to fear for the characters not because of Michael, but because of him. He seems more unbalanced than Michael and Loomis put together.

And yes, Loomis reaches the apex of his insanity in this one (he would only make one more appearance, in Curse, and was relatively subdued in it, when he wasn’t edited out entirely). He borderline assaults Jamie on more than one occasion, and even holds her up as bait at the end. Most of his dialogue is just beyond any sort of rational thought, and even when he does say something normal, he screams it (“If that GIRL! DIES TONIGHT!!!”). And his odd fascination with a scarecrow sitting outside the hospital always gives me a chuckle.

Before the two films, we were shown a brief little retrospective about their creation, with most of the principals in new interviews, plus archive interviews of those who are sadly no longer with us (Moustapha Akkad and Debra Hill). One notable exception is Dominique Othenin-Girard, who is represented only with archive footage from the set of 5. Come on man, even Carpenter offered a few words, and he had nothing to do with these two! But the real highlight was a disturbing recollection from Danielle Harris (who is so goddamn hot now it’s ridiculous), who talks about how Don Shanks (who played Michael in 5) would give her massages and they’d take photos together... it’s probably quite innocent but it sounds so goddamn creepy (especially if you have seen the 25 Years of Terror documentary, in which the film was revealed to have had a fairly ‘wild’ set). The rest of it was nothing special.

As with Halloween 4, the film looked far from great in the manner it was projected, but the sheer size of it, not to mention seeing it with other people (I don’t think I’ve ever watched this one with even a single other person, let alone a crowd) made it a lot of fun regardless. The occasional top notch set-piece elevates this one, albeit slightly, over the bulk of the ones that followed, but nothing can change the fact that this was officially the end of the series being truly special. Thanks a lot, Halloween 5!

What say you?

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Halloween Series, Holiday, October Extras, Slasher,

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October Extras #30 - Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers (1988)

OCTOBER 30, 2007

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)
LAST SEEN: 2005 (?) (DVD)

I remember it vividly... October 17, 1989. I was mad at my mom for renting Halloween 4 instead of The Great Outdoors. “I haven’t seen the first 3” I told her. She said it wouldn’t matter (now that I think about it – it’s kind of odd that a mother would make her kid watch an R rated horror movie instead of a PG comedy, but whatever), so I decided to give it a shot. On my way downstairs to watch it, I slipped and fell down the last 5 stairs, hitting my arm on the marble foyer (eerily – pretty much at the exact moment, the San Francisco earthquake occurred – and no that’s not a fat joke. I’m not even fat!). Assuming the sharp pain running up my arm would go away, I sat down and tried to watch the film. Right around the point where Loomis first appears, I asked my mom to take me to the hospital, which she wanted to do in the first place (I was afraid she’d be mad if it turned out to be nothing).

As it turns out, my arm was broken. I got a cast and went home, watching the rest of the film at my grandmother’s the next day. And while I liked the film, I had no idea that I was getting my first taste of a franchise that would come to pretty much be synonymous with my love of movies (not just horror). While I obviously would have loved to have seen the original without “knowing” that Laurie was Michael’s sister (then again, I am pretty sure the first time I saw the film, it was the TV version that pretty much said as much anyway), I think 4 is a great place to start, as it represents the best of both worlds. It works as a slasher movie; there are a number of deaths in the film, some of which are even a bit gory; but it also works as an homage to the benchmark that the original set. Many will disagree, but Halloween 4 has the most emphasis on suspense over “action” out of any of the sequels, and has decent character development to boot. Dwight Little is easily the best franchise director since Carpenter (and he wasn’t even matched in the ones that followed, let alone topped); the scenes of Rachel and Jamie running around Haddonfield looking for each other are fantastic, drenched with atmosphere (something sorely missing in the other films), not to mention an actual feeling that the film is on Halloween.

Loomis is even more batshit insane in this one (not as much as he is in the next film though), so there’s plenty to enjoy there. He’s seemingly learned from his mistakes (first thing he does is ask the cops to call the TV and radio, something he advised against in the first film), and he’s got a lot of his more memorable lines here (including the immortal “You talk about him as if he were a human being. That part of it died years ago.”). As Brackett’s replacement, Meeker (Beau Starr) is a perfectly good substitution, with little bits of dialogue and character action that help his scenes come to life (necessary, since he’s got to do a lot of the same things Brackett did, right down to finding a dead dog with Loomis).

And of course, the rednecks. Haddonfield seems to be a bit “too” Midwest in this film, as none of the others ever gave off the impression that the little town was populated with such types, but that’s OK. Red, Earl, Al, etc. are a blast, driving around town with their shotguns, half drunk and shooting poor Ted Hollister. Of course, seeing the film with a big crowd makes the scenes even more entertaining, as everyone cheers their fairly ridiculous actions (the scene where they “posse up” is pretty much the funniest thing in horror movie history. “S’go wake up the sheriff!”). And Bucky... well what else needs to be said about him?

You also gotta love the horribly mean little kids Jamie goes to school with. “How can she [make a costume], her mommy’s dead!” “Jamie’s an orphan!!”, etc. Christ! Then later, she even hangs out with one of the little bastards! I’d fucking curbstomp the little prick. Then again, their parents are obviously assholes as well, as they go around town picking up their kids, leaving poor Jamie all alone. Nice.

Some folks dislike the mask in this one, but I’m not sure why. I think it’s pretty creepy. The hair is maybe a bit too neat, but it’s far superior to the ones in the last 2 sequels at any rate, not to mention 5’s ridiculous one. Someone pointed out in one of my other reviews how insensitive it is that the town would carry the mask at all, which is something I never really thought about, but now that I am, I think it’s great. Also, in a brief note about the town’s history – Rachel has a friend named Lindsay and Brady’s buddy is named Tommy... could be Wallace and Doyle, respectively, right? I always think of them that way, anyway.

The DVD projection, as expected, looked pretty bad, and the sound was seemingly in stereo rather than 5.1 (or even faked surround sound), but that’s OK. It was a blast seeing the film projected larger than life, and even though the crowd was nowhere near as big as it was for Halloween III the other night (not to mention last year’s screening of the original), I’m still glad I chose it over some of the other local revival options tonight (such as Nightmare on Elm St 2!).

Of all the sequels, only two of them really felt like they got what made the original work (that would be this and H20), emphasizing suspense and character over kills and gore. And while H20 was dampened by two annoying characters and some now-dated “Scream” style attitude, 4 remains as effective to me today as it was when I first saw it as a kid. And it was pretty much all downhill from there. It’s not a flawless film (I still haven’t a fucking clue what is happening when Loomis shoots at Michael at the gas station) but the last thing you can accuse it of is being lazy. Little and writer Alan McElroy (and the other 3 guys who worked on the story, presumably) really put in the effort to make a film that lived up to the original, and I think they more or less succeeded.

What say you?

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Halloween Series, Holiday, October Extras, Slasher,

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October Extras #27 - Halloween III: Season Of The Witch (1982)

OCTOBER 27, 2007

GENRE: CULT, TECHNOLOGY, WEIRD
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (!!!!)
LAST SEEN: OCTOBER 2006 (DVD)

I must credit the source of today’s October Extra to Ryan Rotten of ShockTillYouDrop.com, who informed me of a theatrical screening of my beloved Halloween III: Season Of The Witch right here in LA. I skipped multiple parties and had to listen to Game 3 of the World Series (which the Sox won, wooo) on the goddamn radio in order to attend this rare event, but I have no regrets at all.

More than probably any other entry in the series, III deserves to be seen with a big crowd and on a big screen. It’s such a delightfully odd and mean-spirited film, there’s no way one could TRULY experience it without the film being presented larger than life, in a room full of appreciative fans. As many times as I have seen the film, I never noticed the totally fake fireman hat in the early hospital scene until it was magnified and pointed out by an audience member. Go back and watch the scene (widescreen version only) after the guy blows up at the hospital, and keep your eye on the fireman on the left. It’s breathtaking in its cheapness.

Also, come on people, let’s be honest: Tom Atkins is Oscar-worthy here. From his rampant hitting on of every woman who crosses his path, to his utterly horrified reaction to a generic cartoon playing at the bar (the one he frequents so much that his co-workers “said he could be found here” – keep in mind he’s a doctor), to his ass scene, the crowd cheered almost every time he appeared on screen. The scene where he calls his wife and tells her he has to go to some medical conference before grabbing a six pack and heading off to visit a mask factory with some chick he just met a few hours before (and of course, nails a few hours later) is possibly the greatest scene in any Halloween film.

Which brings us to the most controversial aspect of the film: the total lack of Michael Myers (something that escaped Roger Ebert, who, in his review, claimed that “the film begins where II left off, with the killer being immolated in the hospital parking lot” – dumbass!). Since we see clips of the original in the film, we are to believe that III exists in the “real world” (if so, I need to buy more 6 packs and make up more medical conferences than I already do), despite retaining the Halloween name. Everyone by now knows that this was Carpenter’s intent all along, to make a different film about Halloween every year, but he was vetoed by the money men and thus left the franchise after this one, and the “franchise entry” Halloween 4 was made, apparently by the people who survived the likely apocalypse at the end of this film. The long running argument is “If they didn’t call it Halloween I would probably like it”, which just speaks volumes as to how ignorant people are. If The Godfather was called “Horse Head In A Guy’s Bed”, I’m pretty sure it would still be a great movie.

Back to the film itself and how amazing it is. Let’s see, we got a kid’s head turning into snakes and insects because a computer chip with a piece of Stonehenge inside it reacted to an epileptic TV commercial, and... well really, what the fuck else do you need out of a movie? Atkins’ ass has already been mentioned.

The film’s most memorable contribution to pop culture is of course, the Silver Shamrock theme. Set to the tune of London Bridge, it is simply impossible to watch the film and not sing along to the ad (which we hear about a dozen times) at least once. Carpenter and Howarth’s score is one of their best collaborations (love the main theme over the computerized pumpkin assembly/credits), and even a die hard Myers fan would be hard-pressed to claim otherwise.

One thing I don’t get about the movie is the timing of the “Big Giveaway”. So this tiny mask company somehow convinced all major networks to show Halloween at the same time across the country (starting at half past the hour no less), and everyone was watching it? At one point, Cochran is told “they” are getting a 41 share, so maybe he owns all the networks and just chose not to sink any of his money into a more impressive factory.

But who cares. I love this movie, and watching in theaters with a couple friends and 30 other like-minded folks was one of the best theater experiences I’ve had this year. Another friend didn’t understand why I would pay 10 bucks and miss out on a party to go see a film I have on DVD (twice in fact) – but people like that just don’t get how important the theatrical experience is in terms of enjoyment. I almost feel bad when I see a film (especially one that wasn’t direct to video) for the first time on DVD. And revival screenings such as this are even more fun, because you get to sort of see the film for the first time again.

I usually never censor my comments, but I will make an exception here – anyone who posts “This movie sucks because there’s no Michael Myers”, even to be sarcastic, that comment will be deleted. I want good feelings and love here! Myers or not, there’s nothing anyone can do to convince me that any of the last 4 films (though H20 I can go either way on) is somehow truer to the spirit of Halloween (the film or the holiday) than III. BUT, if you can explain in a way that has nothing to do with Myers, or the title, why this film is somehow bad, I am all ears. Or, eyes, I guess, in this context.

What say you?

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Cult, Halloween Series, Holiday, October Extras, Technology, Weird,

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October Extras #20 - Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

OCTOBER 20, 2007

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)
LAST SEEN: NOVEMBER 2002 (DVD)

For all the shit I give Halloween: Resurrection, it’s really not as horrible as I say it is. I once considered it to be the worst slasher film ever made, but I’ve seen many this year (many beginning with the word “Dark”) that are far worse. Where Resurrection fails is not as a slasher film, but as a Halloween film.

Offering the least amount of Halloween atmosphere in any of the films to date (even Zombie’s remake was more successful in this department) and forgetting its own goddamn history (the stuff Howard says at Smith’s Grove is almost entirely inaccurate) is almost forgivable, but the fact that the film is so far removed from what made the original film work is not. It’s even more insulting when you consider that, as far as Dimension is concerned, this is really Halloween 4, not 8 (since 4-6 are ignored and III is in another, well, dimension, entirely), and a direct sequel to one of only two films in the franchise that truly did try to live up to the standards John Carpenter’s film originally established.

Instead, this film is more or less a standard dumb kids slasher movie, complete with sexual hijinks in totally inappropriate situations, nonsensical deaths (there’s like 3 beheadings in this one), an almost total lack of suspense (though to be fair, they DO try a little near the end), and, ironically, a total lack of motive for Michael. Yes, he had no motive in the original and that’s part of what made it work. But that’s no longer the case. Now it is firmly established that he is just out to kill his family. So why, after killing Laurie in the film’s first (and best) 15 minutes, does he focus his attention on a group of college kids who are hosting what would otherwise be the world’s worst reality show in history? They are trespassing? Then why didn’t he kill the folks who spent so much time setting up fake skeletons in the basement and non-stale fennel (you got me) in the kitchen? Why wait until like 10 people were there? Was he just looking for a challenge?

Like all the sequels, there are some random elements from the other films in (mostly botched) attempts to tie it in thematically with the others. Our Final Girl talks about fate with her professor (played by Rick Rosenthal, who with this film became the first and likely last director to come back to direct another in the series); Howard wears a clown mask not totally dissimilar to the one Michael wore when he killed Judith; and the house actually does somewhat resemble the one in the original (a far cry from the gothic mansion in part 5). Well, B for effort I guess, but the rest of your movie still reeks of being written by a machine that read the Wiki entry for the original film.

And what the fuck is with the mask in this one? It looks it has makeup on. I guess it’s a step up from the one in H20, but otherwise, Christ. It’s funny how much people rag on the one in 4, it’s probably the 3rd best in the whole series.

Of course, no review of this film is complete without some making fun of Busta Rhymes. Well, he’s awful. Everyone knows that. He talks to himself constantly, making absolutely no sense half the time; he says mutha-fucka with just about every line (sometimes twice); and yes, at one point he even “pwns” Michael, in a scene so asschristingly idiotic I actually cheered it when I first saw the film in theaters (it remains the only midnight movie I ever attended in which I stayed awake for the entire thing – I was so aghast I could barely even blink), because I was amazed that anyone, even a goddamn soulless Dimension executive, allowed such trash to be shown to the public.

Of course, this movie was so bad that it literally ended the franchise as we know it, resulting in the remake. So you can either blame or thank Resurrection, depending on your feelings for Zombie’s film. Personally, I wish I could just forget that neither this nor the remake ever happened, and that the series ended on a relative high (or at least conclusive) note with H20, but I don’t have that bad of a memory. If Eternal Sunshine technology ever becomes a reality, you can guarantee that this thing will be 2nd or 3rd on my list of things to wipe.

(1st, of course, would be Dark Ride).

What say you?

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Halloween Series, Holiday, October Extras, Slasher,

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October Extras #17 - Halloween II (1981)

OCTOBER 17, 2007

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)
LAST SEEN: OCTOBER 2005 (DVD)

While many fans point it out as being the only good sequel, I never shined on to Halloween II as much as I did 4 (and even III, but that’s another review). Granted, it’s light years ahead of the last few, but to me it’s more like part 5 – a direct continuation of a far superior film, buoyed by some great sequences (and in II’s case, some nice black humor) but also lacking in what made the previous entry so great.

Part of the problem with II is that even though it takes place the same night as the original, Michael has somehow changed his MO. Instead of playing with his victims and sticking to the shadows, he basically hangs out in the movie (I think he has more screen-time than Jamie Lee), killing just about everyone he comes across (he even goes out of his way to kill a random girl who lives a block away from the Doyle’s). I can (almost) ignore the fact that everyone has noticeably aged, but not the fact that the film just has a totally different feel to it.

“Hi! Some point after falling off the porch,
my head changed shape. And I shrunk.”

Worse, II introduced what would become the Achilles heel of the series: making Michael Myers Laurie’s brother. I could write an entire review just about how stupid a decision this was, but I will spare my carpal tunnel. All I can say is, it’s a damn shame that almost everyone who sees the original film now for the first time will probably go in “knowing” that Laurie is his sister, which severely cripples the creepy nature of the film. II also introduces the Druid nonsense, though it was (rightfully) ignored again until the 6th film. I cannot condemn Carpenter for writing the film drunk, because it’s hilarious, but at the same time, it’s just a pity to realize that the franchise got doomed almost as soon as it began.

Also, this film began my obsession with the ludicrously strange communication skills of the Haddonfield police department. We saw a glimpse of it in the first film, where Michael breaks into a hardware store presumably early in the day, and yet the alarm is still going off at 3 in the afternoon. But it gets full blown here, as somehow the press and many other cops are on the scene of the murders, yet Sheriff Brackett seems to be the last person to know about it. And rather than just call him on the CB, Hunt apparently drives around town looking for him so he can tell him that his daughter is dead. This continues throughout the series (in part 4, a cop goes out to his car, onto the radio, and says “I just heard about the station!” – despite being in a house by himself with no electricity. Who told him? And how did they do it if his radio was out in the car?). My good friend Matt and I toyed with the idea of making a “Cops” style parody about the Haddonfield PD, but of course, we never did.

But there’s still enough here to elevate it above the more recent sequels, not to mention most of the slasher films it was competing with in 1981. The final chase around the hospital rivals most of the stalk sequences in the original film, and Loomis (who, like Myers, appears in this film more the first one) is even more of a hoot. “I shot him six times!!!!” And even though almost the whole movie takes place inside a hospital (ironically, most of the film's best moments take place in the beginning, before anyone gets there), there’s still a decent amount of Halloween atmosphere on display; such as the little kid who gets a razor in his candy.

Also, we have one of the best deaths (sort of) in slasher movie history – Jimmy slipping in the nurse’s blood. He comes back only to seemingly die of his injuries a few minutes later (however, in the “Rosenthal cut”, which sometimes airs on TV, he survives), but it’s still fucking hilarious. And Bud is also pretty memorable, what with his Amazing Grace rendition and pizza desires. Plus, the newscasters are also hilarious, especially the dude at the end who narrates Laurie getting into the ambulance. “She’s putting her leg up now..” And somewhere in the film, Dana Carvey assists someone (I’ve never spotted him).

One bad thing about the movie is the occasionally terrible editing. At one point, Hunt and Loomis are divulging some exposition, and we see a female newscaster intently listening in, with a “oooh, scoop!” look on her face, and then we never see her again. There’s also a point during the finale, right around when the deputy gets killed, where the music quite obviously jumps as the result of a late edit. There are a few others, and I can’t remember if they are all explained in the Rosenthal cut (I’ve only seen it once, years ago), but again, they are trying to sell the film as the most direct continuation of a film ever, and yet is miles apart in terms of technical quality.

I used to walk home from ski practice (which involved us running around and doing stretches until it actually started snowing) through the woods near the town hospital (the very one I went to the night I first saw part 4 – that story soon!), and would always think about this movie. My hometown was like Haddonfield (quiet, suburban, and made up), and one day I saw a guy standing behind the hospital, near the emergency entrance, and was convinced it was Michael (should I not point out I was like, 15 at the time?). It was probably just a maintenance guy out for a smoke, but at any rate, I never went that way again, so I guess in that respect the movie scared me a little.

What say you?

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Halloween Series, Holiday, October Extras, Slasher,

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October Extras #7 - Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers (1995)

OCTOBER 7, 2007

GENRE: CULT, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)
LAST SEEN: 1998 OR SO (VHS!)

I don’t think I was ever as excited in my life for a movie as I was for Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. I was 15, and it had been 4 years since I saw the last installment, which ended on an intriguing cliffhanger. At the end of that film, Michael was broken out of jail (where he was hilariously allowed to keep his mask on) by a mysterious man in black. Who was he? Why did he do it? Why hadn’t anyone noticed the Thorn tattoo on Michael’s hand before?

Arriving at the theater after being dropped off by my friend’s mom, I was thwarted by a rare enforcement of MPAA rating limitations. As the film was rated R (in case you forgot a time when that was a given for a horror movie), the guy refused to sell us a ticket without a parent’s OK. This being the day before cell phones, we couldn’t just call my friend’s mom who was probably only a minute’s drive away. So we had to call my mom, and have her drive all the way down to the theater just to say “They can go see this movie.” Idiotic.

Well it wasn’t even worth her trouble, let alone the 4 year wait (6 for those who saw Halloween 5 during its theatrical run). Not that the film was a total abomination like Resurrection was (who else is excited for my upcoming review of that? It might be the first movie review to be rated NC-17 for language), but it stank of re-editing and re-shooting (probably the first time I noticed such things as a kid). Donald Pleasence was barely in it despite being the only actor to be listed above the title; half the scenes from the trailer/tv spots weren’t even in the film (and one spot featured footage from Hellraiser: Bloodline. Fucking amazing); and worse, none of the promised answers were really in the film. The whole marketing campaign was built around explaining who the man in black was, and why Michael killed, but all that the movie really offered was Tommy Doyle (played by Paul Rudd in his first role, which is what everyone who has apparently forgotten that Clueless came out 3 months before will tell you) pointing out that there was a constellation in the sky that not only had the same design as the tattoo that magically appeared on Michael’s wrist, but also had the most lax rotation in constellation history (It first appeared in 1963, then fifteen years later in 1978, and then ten years later, then a year after that, and now it’s back 6 years later.” What???). Loomis offered some of his usual hilarious nonsense, but only in a single scene or two. And the man in black turned out to be.... a guy only people who memorized the credits of the original film would recognize (Dr. Wynn – a.k.a. the guy who says “For God’s sake Sam, he can’t drive a car!”). One would assume this one line was pretty much all the backstory writer Daniel Farrands would need to justify his decision to use this random character as the big bad villain (i.e. HE taught him to drive), but that isn’t even mentioned – the film more or less introduces him as an entirely new character.

Of course, everyone and their hamster knows that an alternate version of the film exists. This one has more character stuff (certainly more Loomis) and makes a bit more sense, but it also contains many painful scenes (“Stay away monsters, stay away ghouls...”) that were rightfully cut from the film for theatrical release, and also has an ending that isn’t even remotely exciting. The theatrical has Rudd smashing Myers to a pulp with a pipe, but in the other version, he just throws some rocks on the floor, which makes Michael the Druid stop in his tracks. Rudd yells “It worked! The power of the runes stopped him!”, and then Dr Wynn transfers the Curse of Thorn (?) to Dr Loomis, as Michael walks away wearing the man in black outfit. Well, whatever.

I call this mask Michael's "Captain Smirk" mask.

If you take the first hour or so of the producer’s cut (up until Kara goes out the window) and then watch the theatrical ending (which isn’t any better but at least features some amazingly awkward stuff from Rudd), you have a somewhat decent movie. Joe Chappelle directed some scenes (Tim and Beth’s murders, Kara’s subsequent search of the house) quite well, and unlike any of the sequels, there really is a strong Halloween atmosphere in the film. Also, Farrands’ script may have included some truly terrible ideas (Michael is not only a killer, but he rapes his niece! Making this the second “Uncle fucking” movie of the day for me), but there were a lot of good ones too, and you can see glimpses of a stronger film throughout either version (even the producer’s cut was the result of hasty rewrites and nonsensical editing). Rumors abound that Dimension will release both versions in a special edition, but I can’t really see that happening, as it would almost require them to admit that they interfered too much with what would sadly be Donald Pleasence’s final film. This also began Dimension’s long, almost unbroken streak of fucking with their movies in post production.

Pleasence’s death, and the fact that the movie didn’t really make any goddamn sense resulted in the series “reboot” with H20, which led to Resurrection, which led to the remake, which is the biggest tragedy of all. Still, it didn’t stop me from writing a fan script when I was 16 that picked up right where Curse left off. I can’t recall too much about it anymore (it was written on a “digital word processor” that is no longer functioning) as far as explanations, but it all took place on a farm outside of Haddonfield, owned by the father of the Tina character from Halloween 5. The doctor from part 4 that Michael Pataki played also showed up, as did Hunt from Halloween II. Laurie Strode showed up at the end and killed Michael once and for all (I was probably ripping off Jason Goes To Hell there). And someone died with an electric beater to the mouth.

...I liked it, at least.

What say you?

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Cult, Halloween Series, Holiday, October Extras, Slasher,

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Non Canon Review: Halloween: H20: Twenty Years Later (1998)

AUGUST 7, 2007

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

This isn’t really a canon review, I certainly haven’t somehow missed the 6th sequel to my all time favorite movie for the past 9 years (exactly 9 years in fact, it opened this very week in 1998! Trivia to impress your socks!). But the funny thing with H20 is, I walk away from it with a different opinion almost every single time I watch it.

The first time I saw it, I thought it was OK, nothing special. Then I saw it again 2 days later and thought it was great. Then again in October, but this time I spent the whole movie laughing, because the film was projected at 1.33:1 when it was supposed to be matted at 2.35:1. Not only did we see the boom mike a lot, we actually saw the boom OPERATOR a few times. Amazing.

Then it came on DVD. For some “Wow, DVD has come a long way” trivia, this DVD retailed at 39.99. It is non-anamorphic, has only 1 extra feature (a surprisingly decent 20 minute featurette), and is missing another feature promised on the back (a commentary track). How they justified that cost is beyond me, but back then, I considered it a ‘great deal’ when I found a site that sold it for 23.99. Christ. My budget pack gave me 50 movies for 20 bucks and I thought getting one movie for 24 was a steal.

Since then, I’ve continued to go back and forth on the film, disliking it one time, liking it the next, etc. This time, I liked it again. It’s almost like I just saw a really really fucking terrible Halloween movie that made this one better by proxy.

The reason for my ever changing views on the film is because the film itself is conflicted. Every good thing about it has something bad that cancels itself out:

• Michael is kept in the shadows, but when you see him he looks fucking ridiculous.
• Laurie is supposedly still tormented by what happened to her, but yet she’s like a tough bitch to her son, her coworkers, etc.
• John and Molly are well written, their two friends are among the most awkward and pointless in slasher history.
• Michael’s ability to drive from Illinois to California is explained (he steals a 2nd car). but the scene takes place in CA instead of some sort of logical halfway mark like Colorado.
• The body count is kept admirably down, but they go overboard by having a character survive being shot in the head.

The most troublesome is, of course, the arrogant dismissal of parts 4-6. Revenge (5) and Curse (6) I can take or leave, but damned if anyone is going to tell me that Return (4) never happened. Even without all those aforementioned flaws, Halloween Water is still not as good as 4, and it’s a damn shame that they chose this route. Originally, there was a scene where 4-6 would be acknowledged before moving on, and that would have been fine. I would have liked some resolution to the Thorn storyline, but I would be OK with at least mentioning it before discarding it. It was all the more annoying because compared to some of the other franchises (Hellraiser and Friday the 13th in particular), continuity in the Halloween series was generally pretty strong. With those other series, it was almost always a new set of characters, with little reason to “watch them in order” or whatever. But Halloween 1-6 (not counting 3 of course) were pretty linear, with minor characters from the first film returning in the 6th. H20 tossed that all away, bringing the series down to the same sort of “No one behind the scenes cares” feeling that the other franchises had. Jerks.

There’s also the Scream factor. H20 was more or less given life due to the success of Scream, and its influence is obvious. There’s the celebrity star being killed in the first scene, the “witty” remarks and references to other horror movies (particularly Psycho), etc. In the most confusing example, two characters watch Scream 2 on TV. Scream 2 is, of course, a film that takes place in the world where Halloween is a movie. MIND: BLOWN.

I’d like to go back to the mask. Why every film uses a different mask is something I’ll never understand, but how they managed to make one THIS BAD is some sort of cosmic fuckup that even NASA would probably puzzle over. It seriously looks like a kid dressing up as Michael (maybe this is another clever joke? Have the killer from Halloween look like he’s merely ‘dressed up’ as the Halloween killer? If so, it’s not very funny). Michael shows some occasional menace and signs of his old self (love the bit by the gate), but the effect is totally ruined by the fact that he looks so goddamn goofy. It doesn’t help that there’s like 5 different masks in the movie because they knew they fucked up and tried fixing it (they actually got one right – in the scene where he chases John and Molly out of the dorm and toward the locked door, the mask looks pretty good). Plus they show clips from the first film, making the change even more noticeable.

So what the hell do I make of this movie? Pacing wise, I love the film. I think it’s great that they more or less copied the structure of the original, emphasizing suspense and character development. And the climax is fucking brilliant (by the way, I’m just going to pretend 8 never happened from now on). But those other flaws bring it down to “just another sequel” level, and that’s just a damn shame.

Also, when dedicating your film to the beloved star of the series who sadly passed away after realizing how incoherent Curse was, maybe you want to double check and make sure you spell his name correctly. Douchebags.

What say you?

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Halloween Series, Holiday, Non Canon, Slasher,

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Halloween (2007)

AUGUST 1, 2007

GENRE: REMAKE, SLASHER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (PRESS SCREENING)

I had hope. I really really did. For all the backlash they get (some of which is deserved), I honestly don’t really mind remakes. I gave mostly good reviews of The Hitcher and Black Xmas on Bloody-Disgusting, a site with about 99% more readers than Horror Movie A Day. Clearly, I am not one to dislike or like a movie just because it’s expected of me.

But I had a sneaking suspicion that this might be a little different when three different people I don’t really even know that well, one of them a director himself (the other two are fellow movie enthusiasts/journalists), were specifically interested in what I’d think about Rob Zombie’s Halloween. I was a bit surprised/honored, but it makes sense: if I have ever spoken to someone for more than 12 seconds, I more than likely mentioned Halloween. It’s my favorite thing in the world, next to Bat out of Hell. In a way, those two things present a beautifully ironic dichotomy – one celebrates excess, the other is so sparse it can almost be considered plotless, and yet both inspire me in every creative thing I do.

Needless to say, this was no ordinary remake to me.

But I felt the same way about Dawn of the Dead (the original of which is probably my 3rd favorite horror movie, after Halloween and of course, Shocker), and I loved the remake. It was probably my favorite genre film of 2004. And while I wasn’t too big a fan of 1000 Corpses, I loved Devil’s Rejects, which in turn was my favorite genre film of 2005. So while I wasn’t expecting any sort of masterpiece, I felt confident that Rob could make a film that, if nothing else, would be better than the previous 3 entries, which were the worst in the series (and surprise – they were all from Dimension!)

I did not get my wish.

While better than Resurrection (so is being raped by an elephant), Rob Zombie’s Halloween is such a mess, such a massive disappointment, such a… clusterfuck, that I am almost convinced I didn’t even see the whole movie. I saw it on August 1st, but I went back again on the 21st to make sure they didn’t show us some sort of rough assembly or promo reel. Because even though I know for a fact that I stayed awake and saw every frame of the film (I guess I don’t blink?), it seriously felt like I was dozing off and missing entire chunks of story at times. But the 2nd time, while it improved, was the same. I didn’t miss anything. (NOTE – I have since seen the workprint and was not really surprised to learn that the film went through the usual Dimension re-edit after all. This review will not reflect the changes, but a separate piece will be written about my reaction to the workprint).

No, in reality, in one of the most curious creative decisions I think I have ever encountered in any film, not just a remake, Zombie apparently assumed everyone has seen the original, and thus had the right to stage the entire 2nd half of his film as a sort of greatest hits (or, as my friend referred to it, the “Terror In The Aisles” version) of Carpenter’s film. Nothing much really changes in this portion, but lots and lots of things are missing. For example, Annie’s first scene in the Wallace house is… her about to leave it, talking on the phone to Laurie about having her watch Lindsay. Now, we haven’t even really MET Lindsay yet, but that’s minor compared to the other massive storytelling holes that occur as a result of this decision. Michael is also apparently everywhere at once, as he is seen killing Laurie’s parents at their house, killing Lynda and Bob at his house, and killing Annie and Paul at what I THINK is the Wallace house (more on that later) practically back to back. And unlike the original, he doesn’t drive. How he manages to get around is never explained, nor why no one seems to notice a 7 foot tall man stalking the streets.

This also leads to another gigantic and almost-impossible-to- believe-they-didn’t-question-it plot hole. Much has been made about Zombie’s “explaining” why Michael kills, and to be honest I didn’t mind the idea. It couldn’t be dumber than Druids and cults and having Michael fuck his niece. But regardless of the why, his target this time is perfectly clear: Laurie. His sister. Now, you must remember, the “sister” angle was introduced in the sequels, NOT the original film. In the original, Michael had no rhyme or reason for stalking Laurie, other than maybe being really pissed that she dropped a key off on his porch while he was trying to eat a dog. That’s what made it so creepy. But here, the sister angle is front and center, and again, I have no problems with that per se, but it totally contradicts the actions Michael takes. If all he wants is Laurie, why does he kill Paul and Annie? They’re in another house, minding their own nudity. Bob and Lynda’s deaths are pointless too, but they are fooling around in his old house, so we can buy it (if not understand why he went back there in the first place – he was already seen out and about the town before this scene). One could say that Michael just wants to be the only person in Laurie’s life and thus kills everyone else she is close to, but for a movie that is painted with such broad strokes and has lines like “Bitch I will crawl over there and skullfuck the shit out of you!”, it’s not likely Zombie would suddenly turn subtle with his screenwriting when it concerns the actions taken by his primary character.

This theory almost has to be accepted in order to make any sense out of the scene where Michael kills Laurie’s parents, however, because otherwise the logic of it is beyond any comprehension a human can muster. In the scene, Michael watches as Laurie leaves to go baby-sit. He then goes inside the Strode home and kills her dad, attacks her mother and then shows her a picture of Laurie as a baby, as if to say “Where is she?” Well, you just saw her leave, asshole (how he knew she lived there in the first place is none of our business), why didn’t you follow her? Then, adding insult to stupidity, he somehow finds her anyway, even though he killed the mother before she said anything. The whole scene is so fucking pointless, you have to wonder if Zombie is just doing this stuff to see if anyone is paying attention. Well, I am, and it’s fucking insulting.

And again, seeing the original film is almost a requirement, because of the way Zombie plots the 2nd half of the film. We don’t meet Laurie and the other original characters until halfway through the film. Any audience member coming in blind will wonder why the fuck we are following these people all of a sudden, especially since the film doesn’t bother developing them (the only reason we even know that his baby sister “Boo” is in fact Laurie at all is from a throwaway line from Brackett). All of a sudden, we’re in their world, and given no reason (other than the fact that they are incredibly fucking cute) to care about them. If anything, they’re all a bit bitchy, even Laurie, who I almost expected to just stab poor Tommy to death, since she almost never says anything civil to the damn kid. Lines from the original, like “Ben Tramer likes you” or whatever, are thrown in for some reason as well, and again, have no real resonance since we don’t even know who Laurie is, let alone her unseen suitor. The lines are simply used to remind us of the original and mentally develop Laurie and her friends ourselves, based on what Carpenter did. It’s characterization by keywords.

I could go on some more about how dumb and idiotic and insulting the 2nd half of the film is (I haven’t even mentioned that it’s totally without suspense, though to be fair there are two decent jump scares), but I think I made my point. Let’s move on to the first half and how what goodwill it earns is totally invalidated by the 2nd half.

The film begins with Michael killing a rat. So for all the uproar about the film explaining why Michael is the way he is: it doesn’t. He’s clearly fucked from the start. We can assume that his redneck home life is what led him on this path, but since we never meet Michael as a normal kid, it doesn’t give us any reason to care about him or truly be shocked when he goes apeshit and kills a bully. So I guess we need a prequel to the prequel.

After the bully (a scene that’s actually somewhat disturbing, mostly thanks to the sound effects work), Michael goes home and carries out Zombie’s version of the opening scene of the original. Now, the first 5 minutes of the original Halloween is up there with the shower scene in Psycho, the dinner scene in Texas Chain Saw, and the TV show chase in Shocker as one of the pinnacles of cinematic achievement in horror films. In the original we didn’t know it was a kid until the end. That’s what made it shocking. Knowing perfectly well that the cat is out of the bag this time around, Zombie compensates by…. Doing the same thing he did with the bully 5 minutes before. Michael attacks by swinging a bat over and over, with LOUD SOUND EFFECTS. It worked for the bully, but by the time he actually gets to Judith, the effect is boring. Almost nothing from this point on in the film has any sort of suspense, terror, or even the shock value he was attempting to achieve, because he makes us numb to it by the 4th kill. And since everyone Michael has killed so far is just a degenerate or white trash loser, who the hell cares if he kills them anyway?

After this begins what is the best part of the film: The sanitarium section (this is what elevates it above Resurrection, which ironically had its own best scenes in a sanitarium). Michael is sent to Smith’s Grove, and we get a montage of Loomis trying to connect with Michael, as well as some surprisingly strong work from Sheri Moon Zombie as she visits him. This portion of the film is sadly only about 15 minutes long, and one wishes Zombie had just made this entire film. There’s a scene where Mrs. Myers finally realizes that her child is dead to her, and Sheri really pulls it off well. The scene is also presented without source audio, only the sound of an alarm. It’s a great fucking scene.

But this leads to the primary problem with the film. There are great scenes sprinkled throughout (even in the remake portion), so you know that Rob can write/direct. He has the ability. If the whole movie sucked, it would actually be less of a disappointment. Instead, we see glimpses of what could have been a worthy remake mixed in with other scenes that range from boring to downright awful. And worse, there is a giant disconnect with regards to passage of time, characters’ location in relation to one another, etc. The montage of Michael at the hospital could be two years or two weeks, it’s never quite clear.

There’s also a disturbingly high number of continuity errors. Michael slams a guy against a stall wall, which knocks the wall half over and breaks an ad on the other side of it. Then in the next shot (and for the rest of the scene) the wall is back up, the ad unbroken. Later, a character’s head is crushed, with blood running down from his eyes and mouth, only to appear simply knocked out (no blood or damage) in all subsequent shots of his body. Cops show up at a house different than the one they were asked to come to, and their car is shown in front of the house before they even arrive! To be fair, the original has its fair share of errors as well, but you know what? I saw the film a dozen times before I noticed them. Some I never noticed until I read about them on the IMDb and went back specifically looking for them. But here, I noticed things like this on the first time. If you’re drawn into a film, you won’t notice these things.

Rob also problems with the 180 rule. Primarily, he doesn’t seem to know about it. I spotted at least five occasions where characters are talking to each other from across a table or whatever and both shots have the characters looking screen left or right.

So it all comes down to the same question people asked from the beginning: Why bother? It’s clear that Rob had some really good ideas, but blending those with ones directly taken from Carpenter, the strange two act setup, and conflicting ideas behind Myers’ origin/methods just leave the film an as unfocused curiosity at best. Making his own film, or simply just doing a Van Sant-esque recreation of the original, albeit with his signature directing/editing style (other than the constant breaking of the 180 rule, the film is technically sound), would have probably turned out OK. But opting for trying to find a balance between the two has failed him, and in turn, us.

Better luck next time I guess.

(I just checked – longest review in HMAD history! Did you read it all in one sitting? I tried to and failed)

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Halloween Series, Holiday, Remake, Slasher,

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