Triloquist (2008)

JULY 2, 2008

GENRE: PUPPET, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Is there a Sniglet for when you are walking around Blockbuster at the same pace as another customer? That happened last night, it was me and this lovely looking woman and her child, browsing from A-Z, constantly getting in each other’s way and saying “excuse me” every 12 seconds. And the woman was obviously a “good” mother, as her kid kept trying to get her to rent R rated films like The Orphanage, only to be shot down (the mother’s suggested alternative? Drillbit Taylor. Poor kid.). Since she clearly wasn’t down with the R rated stuff, she probably assumes I am some sort of sociopath for spying Triloquist on the shelf, laughing maniacally at the hilarious cover, and practically running up to the counter to rent it.

Sadly the cover I find online isn’t the same as the one in the store, so I had to take a picture of it with my cell phone to share with you:

Now, how can anyone see that (not to mention read “From the creator of Leprechaun!”) and NOT want to watch this movie? I dunno, but it has no rating on the IMDb as of yet, and I seemingly was the only one to rent a copy, as there were plenty on the shelves. Being a bare-bones release AND a Blockbuster exclusive (no Netflix!), there should be no reason that every copy wasn’t rented out and being enjoyed by like-minded jerks such as myself.

Surprisingly enough, the movie isn’t as goofy as you’d expect. Sure, it’s filled with lots of corny lines and sight gags, and it’s mostly played for laughs, but there's a melancholy thread that runs throughout the film. The puppet isn’t the only villain here; in fact, he’s almost a good guy compared to his owner, a super hot blond chick named Angelica who’s essentially a psychotic whore (think a late teens version of Baby from Devil’s Rejects and you’d get the idea). The movie is really about her sort of rise and fall, and the end of the film finds her homeless, addicted to heroin, and alone. Not QUITE as funny as the sight of a puppet biting a man’s dick off, is it? Strangely, it kind of works, and there are two reasons why.

One is the above average acting from the two leads, Paydin LoPachin as Angelica, and Rocky Marquette as her mute brother Norbert (who looks and acts like his own goddamn puppet). They are able to bring some sympathy and pathos to their roles, and while this is hardly a Shakespearean tragedy, I actually did feel sorry for them on more than one occasion (junkie mother, abused as kids, etc). The other thing is the soundtrack, which is pretty great for a DTV killer puppet movie. There are a few alt-country style songs and a pretty good score by Geoff Levin (including, yes, "Mockingbird", but actually used effectively!), and the songs are just as melancholy as the film is at times.

Of course, that’s not really the appeal of the movie. Rampant nudity, lots of ridiculous kills (my favorite – the puppet shoots a cop with a shotgun; the recoil sending him flying across the road), and corny jokes that eventually become amusing is what will entice folks to watch this movie, and while the gore/violence is surprisingly a bit tame (this is Dimension EXTREME!, no?), the sleaziness of the whole thing makes up for it. Angelica is constantly offering to fellate people, and there’s even suggested incest between her and her brother.

I also like how they don’t bother trying to present it as a mystery as to whether or not the puppet is alive. After She-Wolf of London, I don’t know if I could take a movie in which the titular killer was essentially a ruse by a very un-supernatural human, and Triloquist delivers on that front. He’s alive, and they run with it.

Now, I know I’ve spent a while praising the film, but that doesn’t mean it’s a masterpiece. The script is needlessly confusing at the end, with lots of things that don’t quite make sense and/or plot elements never clarified. It’s also a bit repetitious – I think there are like 4 different scenes where Angelica kills a good Samaritan and takes his car. And too many of the kills are offscreen – I’d rather they cut one of the car theft killings from the script and used the leftover money to improve the other kill scenes.

But hey, it’s a killer puppet movie, something far too rare these days. It should definitely appeal to those who thought Dead Silence was a ripoff (you fools!), and puts the similar Seed of Chucky to shame in the process.

What say you?

Read more »

Comedic, Puppet, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Otis (2008)

JUNE 22, 2008

GENRE: COMEDIC, REVENGE, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

I was particularly harsh to Captivity, a film without any sort of plot, character to care about, decent photography, etc. And yet, I’d rather watch it a 2nd time than do the same for Otis, even though Otis is technically better. The difference is, Captivity was just awful all the way through, and thus would make for a good drunken movie night with pals, whereas Otis is actually decent for the first hour, only to fall completely apart.

Like Captivity, Otis focuses on a fat guy with glasses who kidnaps a blond girl he calls Kim (and hey, in Captivity, WE call her Kim, because she’s better known as Kim Bauer!) and chains her in a dungeon with some torture devices. He’s got a brother who may be even more of a wretched human being, and the cops looking for her are pretty inept. But this movie offers another angle to the proceedings – the girl’s family, who go from grief to vigilante over the course of, I dunno, two scenes.

And therein lies the main problem with the film – it’s tonally all over the place. The “torture” scenes are presented as creepy and fairly understated, and the family stuff goes from broad to satirical and back seemingly at random. It’s actually like the Halloween remake in that regard – there are great scenes here and there, but overall it’s like watching three films combined into one mess. I hate to admit, most of the best stuff is just the dungeon/kidnapping scenes, due to the aforementioned creepiness. He’s not a particularly violent guy; she takes a slug or two and that’s about it. But he dresses her in a cheerleader outfit and has her cheer, rear projects a highway and pretends he’s taking her for a drive, etc. These scenes are pretty unnerving at times, and accompanied by a truly great soundtrack and score. There’s also a nice bit of underplayed foreshadowing involving her bra that I appreciated – nothing worse than a completely obvious hint about something that will be important later (see Untraceable for the absolute worst offense of this sort of screenwriting, EVER). But once she escapes, the rest of the movie is just pretty awful, as her suddenly vengeful family tries to get him back for what he did, only to mistakenly torture Otis’ brother Elmo (Kevin Pollak).

The humor does not work at all in these scenes. It’s supposed to be over the top and ridiculous, yet making a point, and yet its all so clichéd and generic. For example, the mild mannered dad (Daniel Stern) is about to plug in a torture device, only to discover the cord isn’t long enough to reach the outlet – a gag that has been used in full on comedic films as well as a moment of levity in full blown horror ones (Hostel II comes to mind). “Ha. Ha.” This gag goes on for a full minute. The worst offender is Jared Kusnitz, as the girl’s brother. His character is yet another disassociated youth who does reprehensible things that pass for character development. Ignoring the fact that some of the stuff he allegedly does should put him in jail, it’s just completely idiotic that we are expected to believe he does ALL of it – sells porn of his sister, deals drugs, MAKES drugs, nails frogs to the principal’s office door, plus apparently plays video games all day (and more). The actor is annoying as well (think an emo version of that Chris Marquette kid), which doesn’t help at all. Plus, the family switches so instantly, it’s hard to believe that they are so bloodthirsty – it comes off as impulsive behavior, but they are fully prepared for their act. Worse – they look nothing like a family at all; there’s no way in hell I buy Illeana Douglas and Ashley Johnson as 2nd cousins, let alone mother and daughter (the brother doesn’t look like anyone either).

The only actor who pulls it off is Jere Burns as the lead cop. He’s an idiot, but thinks he’s clever, and while it’s not exactly an original character, he at least got a few laughs out of me due to his completely inappropriate bluntness (one of his best lines is in the trailer). Also worth a chuckle is Tracy Scoggins (still hot!) as a newscaster who tells a missing girl’s parents that their daughter is probably dismembered. According to the commentary, this is supposed to be a satire on the media as well, but since Scoggins only has about 2 minutes of screentime, it’s kind of hard to really sell the idea – it comes off as just a quick gag rather than as any sort of commentary.

The same writer and director are also responsible for Sublime, a film that also suffered from half-assed attempts at social commentary and an uneven tone. Their commentary is full of pretentious babble and occasional obnoxious bickering (they argue over whether an actor had gum in his mouth at one point – riveting!), instead of explaining why their film looks like a soap opera. Oh, because they shot on video. Maybe instead of hiring well known actors to play a family, you can get unknowns that actually look alike, which would not only perhaps help sell the “family bond” idea in the film if the viewer can actually believe they are related, but also allow you to shoot on fucking film so your movie doesn’t look like ass on top of it. There is also an alternate ending that, true to form, doesn’t fit the tone of the film very well, and is also apparently missing a scene or two leading up to it, as it doesn’t make any sense in the context of what is in the final cut.

I hate to say that the best parts of a film feature a girl being psychologically tortured, but that is sadly the case. A film like The Cottage managed to blend the gore (and even a kidnapped blond!) with the slapstick-ish comedy rather well, so I know a. it can be done and b. I can enjoy it, but this one just didn’t work for me.

Incidentally, I should note that right before I watched Otis, I finally watched Juno, a film I took a personal vengeance against last Christmas when the Arclight took the 21+ screening of Gremlins away and put Juno in its place, forcing me to watch Gizmo and co. completely sober. I wasn't much interested in the film anyway; I loved Jason Reitman’s first film (Thank You For Smoking), and most of the cast are aces in my book (Jason Bateman, JK Simmons, Allison Janney), but Ellen Page looked like she would annoy me, and since she was the star, I figured that would be kind of a dealbreaker. But when my colleague Spooky Dan got a quote on Otis by saying its “Juno for the horror set” I figured I would get myself in the right frame of mind to enjoy it as much as he did. And to be honest, I didn’t hate Juno, I just hated Juno herself. While she bugged me (the girl can't say 4 words without one of them being an obscure reference. JUST TALK!!!), the rest of the characters were genuine and spoke like human beings for the most part (though I am growing tired of Michael Cera’s one mode of performance – can the kid do anything BUT play soft spoken introverts who inexplicably draw the attraction of girls nothing like him?), and I laughed out loud several times. Plus at its heart it was a simple, sweet little character comedy/drama, and there's nothing wrong with that. Bateman's character in particular was one I could definitely relate to (I too have a room in which to keep my personality!). So if I can more or less enjoy a movie I wanted to hate (I DID hate the soundtrack though - but keep in mind I consider the Shocker soundtrack to be the finest of its kind), I should have been able to enjoy Otis, a movie I wanted to like, right? Oh well.

What say you?

Read more »

Comedic, Revenge, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Non Canon Review: Psycho (1960)

MAY 21, 2008

GENRE: CLASSIC, PSYCHOLOGICAL, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

When I saw that my beloved New Beverly would be screening Pyscho, I knew what I had to do: go see it. But before that, I had to get the night off of work, because there was no way in hell I would miss it. See, I had serious atoning to do, because not only had I never seen the film in the theater, I had seen the goddamn remake TWICE in such a matter. The first time is one thing - I was curious. But why in the name of Christ would I subject myself to that monstrosity a second time?*

Psycho is also one of the first DVDs I watched once I bought a home theater (I love irony – it’s a goddamn mono film), and at the same time, the first full beer I ever consumed (I was out of hard lemonades, which is all I drank until that point). Yes, anyone who knows my age and has a familiarity with when the film was released on DVD now knows I somehow went all through high school without drinking a beer. But let’s stay on subject.

Hitchcock’s film is, quite simply, a masterpiece. You all know that. But what you DON’T know, possibly, is how suspenseful it still is after a half dozen or so viewings. I know everything that’s gonna happen, but some sequences still make me feel nervous, such as the first scene between Norman and Arbogast. Watching Norman screw up his story still carries an incredible amount of “Oh shit!”, making me feel uncomfortable still to this day, a feat most movies can’t even reach on my first viewing, let alone my 6th or so (more if you count three views** of the shot for shot remake). And even knowing perfectly well that he is the killer, his ‘discovery’ of Marion and subsequent cleanup is also still quite suspenseful (oh no, a car!).

It’s also a hilarious film, something I always forget (I actually don’t think I have watched it all the way through since that time with the (non)surround sound and beer – two elements I recreated last night). I love the other broad at the beginning who assumes that the business man didn’t bother flirting with her just because she had a wedding ring on, and not that, no offense, she’s nowhere near as hot as Janet Leigh. And Norman’s pleased little smile when the car finally submerges is classic. Also, the Sheriff’s wife has the most ridiculous look on her face during the entire scene where Loomis and Lila go see them in their home.

I also love the completely tactless shrink at the end of the movie. “Did he kill my sister?” Lila asks. “Yes,” he says, as if she was asking if it was raining. But then he says “And no!”, which, if it were me, would sound like he meant my beloved sibling wasn’t dead after all. Jerk.

Another oddly puzzling thing – what’s with everyone getting out of their cars on the passenger side? When Marion does it when she first arrives at the motel, it’s one thing – it’s raining and the passenger side is closer to the sheltered porch (she gets soaked anyway). But why does Arbogast do it?

Man, if you don’t like this movie, you simply just don’t like horror movies. The shower scene may not be as effective anymore (and on that note, since Janet Leigh is billed under just about everyone else, it’s a wonder her death was such a shock. If you’re the “And...” cast member in a horror movie, you’re either the old professorial character with all the answers, or you’re dead!), but the movie as a whole is just wonderful in both technical and creative terms. And when Gus Van Sant goes to hell, I hope Satan cockpunches him twice as much as anyone else for his horrendous remake stinking up its legacy.

What say you?

*Answer: a really cute girl. One I never hooked up with anyway. Double waste of time!
** I actually watched the remake again on DVD, with commentary, to see if they explained themselves in a manner I could accept. They did not.

Read more »

Based On Novel, Classic, Non Canon, Psychological, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

The Card Player (2004)

MAY 12, 2008

GENRE: ITALIAN, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

There aren’t too many Argento films left for me to watch, which is pretty great. This is the 10th I’ve watched for HMAD, and with the 2-3 I had seen before, I’d say I’ve gotten a good sense of his style and themes. Which is why I feel safe saying that The Card Player (aka Il Cartaio) is the least Argento-ish of his movies. Not that it’s bad, it’s actually a pretty good “serial killer taunts the police” movie. But that’s all it is in the end, and other than the Claudio Simonetti score (which is also atypical of the composer, as it is entirely electronic based, to the point where it’s essentially techno), there is nothing here that suggests the master is the one behind it all; no stylish touches that elevate it above any of its cinematic brethren.

But, as said, it’s still pretty good. I had fun trying to figure out who the killer was, and was wrong, so that’s good (I DID correctly assume that the killings were pre-recorded, so the “movie-killer-guessing” part of my ego was only partially deflated). And despite the relative lack of Argento’s visual style, it’s an immaculate looking DVD. Blacks are actually black, instead of the faded gray that a lot of movies (including Argento’s own Stendhal Syndrome) suffer from on their DVD. I almost thought I was watching an HD DVD at times, until I recalled that the poor format died before it got around to releasing obscure Italian horror movies.

It’s also got a nice autopsy scene that made me flinch a bit. The cop is taking a scalpel to the corpse’s eyes, sort of cutting mucous-y fluid away. Gah. There’s also a nice sort of scare when a corpse (maybe the same one, I already forget) “pukes” water into a guy’s face. Otherwise, though, it’s the usual cop/thriller/killer stuff – the killer comes to our heroine’s apartment, she falls for a fellow cop who ends up dead, etc. It’s actually pretty similar at times to that Untraceable movie. At least I think it is, I’ve forgotten just about everything about that movie already.

The extras are a mixed bag. There’s a lengthy interview with Argento, and another with Simonetti, that are quite good and informative (and in Italian, even though the movie is in English). But then there are two other featurettes that are wholly worthless, simply presenting (the same) behind the scenes footage over music. The second one, which is actually shorter, is a bit better, as it includes some thoughts from the lead actress, but it’s still hardly worth your time. Still, nearly 40 minutes of extras, plus trailers and a commentary (by Alan Joneszzzzzzz), is pretty sweet considering how good the picture looked. Say what you will about Anchor Bay’s tendency to double dip – their transfers are almost always top notch.

In my notes I took, er, note, of the fact that the hot broad from Do You Like Hitchcock appears as one of the victims. I don’t really have anything to say about it, but, yeah; the hot broad from Do You Like Hitchcock appears as one of the victims.

What say you?

Read more »

Argento, Italian, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Candyman (1992)

MAY 11, 2008

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

I saw Candyman once, at a sleepover, when I was like 13. The only thing I remembered was that a female cast member had a great rack (the girl at the end). Strangely, I got inspired to revisit it while playing GTAIV, in which you have to take out a drug dealer who lives in the projects. Something about the building reminded me of the one in Candyman, so I opened the DVD I bought ages ago (this is nothing new, one of the very first DVDs I ever bought is still in shrinkwrap) and made it my movie for the day. And sure enough, the building in the game IS very similar to the Cabrini Green housing development that Virginia Madsen and her friend walk around in the film’s first act. I love how my memory works.

See?

The movie itself is about as good as I remember. One thing that most certainly DIDN’T bother me as a kid was Candyman’s dialogue, which I now liken to the bad gothic poetry I would read a few years later in my high school newspaper. Stuff like “What is blood if not for shedding?” sounds cool to a kid, but now I find it incredibly corny. The film works best when Candyman is just a silent figure, graphically killing folks for no real reason and blaming it on Madsen (the part with the shrink kills me – he wants Madsen to escape, but does he need to commit another murder that will be pinned on her in the process?).

Also, any dialogue (not just Candyman’s) drowns out the incredible score by Phillip Glass, which is a shame. The score is up there with Halloween and Exorcist as instantly identifiable in the horror genre, and I even let the credits run to hear it one last time. I know Glass gets a lot of shit for his atonal nonsense, but his work here is quite melodic and wonderful, and the film wouldn’t be nearly as effective without it.

I also love how the movie used medicine cabinets as a way of explaining how Candyman got in and out of people’s homes. Horror movies have used the opening/closing of a bathroom mirror as a scare device for decades; it’s about time someone actually took the time to make the damn things part of the plot. Kudos to Bernard Rose (what the hell ever happened to him, anyway?*) and Clive Barker for this invention.

The extras are nice – and actually more plentiful than the disc would have you believe. Despite being listed as “Commentary with Bernard Rose”, it actually has just about everyone else on the track, including Barker and Todd. Xander Berkeley is the only principal who is absent. Sadly, they are recorded separately, and they keep reminding us who is who (ironic, since is the only track in history with 6 completely distinctive voices), but it’s still a good listen. Rose in particular is good to listen to, in addition to saying the exact same thing I’ve always said when people say they don’t like horror movies because they are too scary (“Would you dislike a comedy for being too funny?”), he also trashes PG-13 horror near the end, and this was recorded when PG-13 horror films were the exception, not the rule. A prophet! Another thing he reveals is that Sandra Bullock was up for Madsen’s role, and it’s a damn shame that didn’t happen, since the role required nudity. There’s also a nice retrospective piece (Todd’s simple description of Candyman 3 makes the whole thing worth watching) and an interview with Clive where he discusses his career. Good stuff.

And no, I haven’t read the short story. Other than Nightbreed and Lord of Illusions, I have never read any of the original Barker stories that the films have come from (or any other Barker material, for that matter). I keep meaning to check them out, but I read very rarely these days (I used to get all my reading done on my subway/bus commute in Boston; in LA I drive to work). Someday....

Finally, the best thing about the movie? Ted Raimi cast as a “town bad boy” in one of the flashback scenes. Ted is possibly the least threatening guy ever born, so this is just hilarious to me.

What say you?

*He went on to make some softcore nonsense, as well as the Beethoven biopic Immortal Beloved. Which is odd, because the director of Candyman 2 went on to make the film version of Chicago. Candyman films – the gateway to Oscar bait music related cinema**!

**Except for part 3. The director of that movie went on to write Wrong Turn 2. Which is, as far as I’m concerned, a better deal.

Read more »

Based On Novel, Serial Killer, Supernatural,

{[['']]}

Midnight Meat Train (2008)

MAY 1, 2008

GENRE: MONSTER, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (SPECIAL SCREENING)

It’s not every day you have to tell Samuel L. Jackson to step aside so your buddy can get out of the row to go take a much-needed piss, but then again for a lot of folks, it’s not every day that you have to watch/review a horror movie you’ve never seen before. That’s what happened at Midnight Meat Train though, which capped off an evening spent with a much needed entry in modern horror – a new Clive Barker film (and a good one at that).

(I have no idea why Sam was there, as it was otherwise just press and people involved with the film. Maybe he just likes a good horror movie as much as the rest of us).

Despite being the most famous horror novelist next to Stephen King, very few films have been made from Barker’s work. Three of them he directed himself, and there have been about as many made by others (such as Candyman and Rawhead Rex). And to some extent I can understand why – apart from Candyman, as well as Hellraiser and its first sequel, none of these films made much at the box office. Barker’s themes (not to mention the borderline hardcore sex usually found within his tales) aren’t quite as easy to digest as your average horror movie, but his unique visions can’t usually be done for cheap. That’s a shame, but hopefully Midnight Meat Train will turn things around once released to theaters.

Ryuhei Kitamura makes his American debut (and his first legit horror film – his others are more fantasy/action based, including a Godzilla film), and fares far better than many of his peers. The film has a very unique look – it’s very grainy, but also has a lot of soft focus (it’s rare that anything but the main characters or object in the scene are in sharp focus, backgrounds are sometimes a total blur). Some of it may remind you of the Saw films (particularly when the blueish hues and lighting take over during the subway scenes), but it’s still visually striking from start to finish.

It’s also a well cast film. Bradley Cooper is a perfect choice to carry this type of film – he’s not a big star, but neither is his character (an aspiring photographer). Leslie Bibb plays his girlfriend, the most supermodel-y waitress in film history, and thus between this and Iron Man she’s become my de facto favorite actress of the year. Vinnie Jones plays the same mute bad guy he seems to always play, but he’s rarely as menacing. And Hostel II’s Roger Bart pops up in a few scenes, and he’s always a welcome presence.

Back to the menace though – what surprised me most about the film was how it managed to be equally as suspenseful as it was splatter-y. There are a couple stalk/chase sequences between Jones and Cooper that rival any modern horror films’ attempts at suspense (the fact that these sequences have zero dialogue is another bonus), giving the film a “classy” edge that many others lack (come on, are you really biting your nails when watching a Saw film?). At the same time, the kill sequences are impressively gory, to the point where it’s almost a surprise this got an R rating. They also carry a bit of an Argento feel; there’s a fantastic gag where a guy, hanging upside down on a meat hook, sees his reflection in a growing pool of his own blood. A+.

Ironically, this is also part of the only issue I had with the film. During the 2nd act, it begins to get a tad bit monotonous, as Cooper follows Jones around twice, with many near-misses, and we also see about 4 scenes of Jones killing random people on the train. It’s a short film (less than 90 minutes I think) but I wish something else could have been done to make the film feel a bit less like it was going nowhere for a small amount of time. Also, Cooper’s character becomes traditionally “obsessed” with his target, ignoring his girlfriend, plastering the entire apartment with photos, and even eating a steak (he’s a vegetarian who brings his own tofu to the diner where his girlfriend works). But this obsession comes rather suddenly, and is not fully explored (I wanted to see more with his newfound love of meat, for starters). Still, once the 3rd act (which is almost entirely train-set) begins, it’s no longer an issue, and the film barely lets up from there.

There is also a random, hilarious reference to an (unjustifiably) Oscar winning movie that had me laughing so hard I apparently annoyed others in the theater. Sorry!

Another great thing about the film is that screenwriter Jeff Buhlerwill didn’t slow the film down with needless exposition and explanation for everything. Not only does it leave available story for the (hopeful) sequel, but it keeps the film focused on its real point(s). In fact, without spoiling much, you can almost look at the film as an “origin” film once the final scenes play out, and like any origin story, it sets the stage for bigger and possibly better things to come.

Between this and The Ruins (and, God willing, the release of Repo), it looks like 2008 will be a great year for original, top notch (and R RATED!) horror films. Hopefully the box office will be good enough to inspire more Barker stories making their way to the screen.

What say you?

Read more »

Based On Novel, Monster, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Grizzly Park (2008)

APRIL 4, 2008

GENRE: PREDATOR, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (PREMIERE)

One thing about living in LA is that when you see someone who looks like a celebrity, there's a damn good chance it really IS them. So tonight when I went to see the premiere of Grizzly Park, I sat next to a guy who looked suspiciously like Ron Howard. If I knew for sure it was him, I would obviously grab him and yell "GIVE ME BACK MY SON!", but since I wasn't sure, I opted to just sit down. However, fate was on my side, as the trailers began, and there was one for a documentary/thriller thing about the same subject matter as Da Vinci Code. Halfway through the trailer, the woman who was on the other side of him asked "Is that your footage?" Bingo.

As it turns out, Ron is a very nice guy, and we continued to make small chat through the rest of the trailer reel. I wish I could have talked to him more about a few of his films, such as Apollo 13 (easily the best of the series) and, obviously, Ransom, which is my personal favorite of his films. Sadly I didn't get the chance. Oh well.

You might be wondering why I've devoted two paragraphs to a guy who has nothing to do with the movie. Well, that's because the movie is pretty bad. But it's NOT soullessly bad, like your Drive Thrus and what not. No, it's obvious that everyone was trying really hard, but that the film was noticeably shot without anywhere near the budget the script required. The result? LOTS of padding, very little action, ridiculously bad prosthetic effects, and just an overall feeling that had they had a decent budget, this one could have been a lot of fun.

Part of the problem is the lack of, well, GRIZZLY action. The bear only shows up seconds before he kills someone in a hilariously edited manner, amounting to probably less than 3 minutes of actual bear action. He's not even the only killer, as a wolf takes out one (possibly two) of the eight kids, and honest to dog, a SERIAL KILLER also accounts for 1/4 of the killings.

Yes, an escaped prisoner impersonates the cop who is supposed to be taking these delinquent kids (the "bad kids cleaning up" plot is lifted from the superior See No Evil, right down to the 'freezeframe w/crimes listed' sequence serving for introduction) into the woods, and he offs the real cop and another ranger before becoming the first (and for over and hour, only) bear victim. Hilariously, the guy seems pretty intent on impersonating the cop right down to the last detail, kindly bringing up sleeping bags and supplies for the kids.

And that's part of the problem with the film. 90% of it seems like deleted scenes from a better, funner movie. Why would the killer bring the goddamn sleeping bags up the mountain? Because it takes 2 minutes of cheap screentime up. At one point they just cut to poor Glenn Morshower (the film's sole bright spot) putting a clipboard up on a wall. Why are we watching this? There are also about a half dozen scenes of the kids discussing their crimes, none of which matter in the long run. And when the "twist" ending comes around, it renders some of what we saw earlier even more useless.

The twist(s) are so idiotic, I can't possibly spoil them for anyone (especially since the film isn't out on DVD yet, which is where I'm guessing 99% of its audience will see it). Suffice to say that the first twist is rendered pointless since it involves someone who dies literally 30 seconds later. Then the second twist is so dumb I actually joked about it 10 minutes before. Again, I won't spoil it, but let's just say that when I made the joke, it never crossed my mind that I was actually calling something that would actually happen, because it is so ridiculous. In between these two twists is a random, abrupt news report sequence in which the reporter says "(So and so) reporting live, from the woods", at which point I nearly lost my shit and probably scared poor Ron Howard.

I feel bad dumping on the movie, and to be fair, besides Morshower, it does have some good moments. The kills are nice (bad prosthetics aside), and there's a fantastic payoff to a minor subplot concerning one of the female characters' fake breasts. But honestly, I just fail to see why it was shot when they didn't have the money to pull it off correctly. It's not like the low budget horror scene is spread really thin and they needed to make SOMETHING to keep the genre afloat - it will probably be one of 29 horror movies to come out on DVD that week. And it bums me out, because I know that one of those other theoretical 29 movies will have the right amount of resources, but waste it on a totally worthless script. Team ups, people, team ups!

And why was Mr. Howard there? His dad, Rance Howard, was in the film for 2-3 minutes, also unnecessary padding. Ron also proved himself to be much smarter than me, dozing off for a good 20 minutes. He missed nothing. After the movie I told Ron that his dad fared far better in Sasquatch Mountain. But still, the guy needs to stay away from "Monster in the woods" movies.

What say you?

Read more »

Predator, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Nightmare Detective (2006)

MARCH 8, 2008

GENRE: ASIAN, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

If there’s one thing I hate about movies with dream sequences, it’s that the dreams are always designed to try to be passed off as real, so that it’s a surprise when they wake up. But if you think about it, this means that the people are having the most mundane fucking dreams in human history. When I dream, absolutely nothing about it makes any logical sense, which is kind of the appeal of dreams. So it’s nice to see a movie like Nightmare Detective (aka Akumu Tantei), because they are not crippled by this filmmaking cliché, and thus the dream sequences actually resemble real dreams.

For example, one guy is killed in a room that is jampacked with bicycles. There’s at least a thousand of the damn things all around him, piled together. THAT’S a dream image! And then he’s killed by a lightning quick monster straight out of Clive Barker’s Tortured Souls toy line.

That kill is one of the many gore/makeup highlights in the film, all of which are highly impressive and more than make up for the fact that the movie doesn’t make a lick of sense, even by J-horror standards. Couldn’t tell you what was going on at any point during the last half hour, but I was still highly entertained and impressed by the technical side of things.

My only complaint is that director Shinya Tsukamoto films everything tight. This is fine for the most part, but some scenes it makes it impossible to tell what is going on. There’s a scene in the climax where the title character saves the heroine, and I haven’t the slightest clue where he even came from! I also can’t tell what exactly he is doing to help. Zoom out, brother Tsukamoto!

Speaking of the “title character”, I’m surprised how little he is in the film during the first half. Most of the time we are with Keiko (the beautiful Hitomi). She’s kind of interesting, but not as much as a guy who can enter nightmares (he doesn’t really do any detective work either, but that’s OK). Hopefully in the sequel (which is already complete) he takes more of a central role throughout the film, not just the climax (incidentally, earlier today I watched Dr. No, aka the first Bond film, in which the character of Dr. No only shows up in the final 20 minutes).

I also got a few laughs during the film. The opening seems to be making fun of other J-horror movies (a guy has a nightmare about long black/wet hair, and it is dismissed), and there’s a scene where the Detective attempts to enter a dream by doing this sort of hypnotic suggestion thing. “There’s a polar bear on a bridge, eating a bowl of grasshoppers,” he says to the sleeping guy. He then adds: “It’s annoying.” Hahahaha. I dunno, I think if I saw a polar bear eating a bowl of ANYTHING on a bridge, annoyance wouldn’t be my first feeling. I’d probably just make Lost references (and thus annoy everyone around me).

Like just about all Asian horror films, it’s about 10 minutes too long (seriously guys, do you have some sort of phobia for 95-ish minute running times?), but it’s quite visually stunning and pretty original. Definitely recommended.

What say you?

Read more »

Asian, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer (1986)

MARCH 2, 2008

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

“Otis... plug it in.”

And that was all that I remembered about Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, a film I had watched a few times when I was 14 and obsessed with “ultra-violent” films like Natural Born Killers and whatever other Tarantino movies I was able to rent. But I sort of grew out of that phase and never revisited the film until now.

I had forgotten how somewhat fragmented and matter-of-fact the film was presented. There is also almost zero buildup to any of the kill scenes - they come (and go) out of nowhere. It's a great idea - why draw suspense when the movie is ABOUT a serial killer? No one is going to survive.The passage of time is entirely unclear (Henry says he doesn’t like to stay in one place for too long, but since he kills like a dozen people in the film, all in Chicago and suburbs, I would guess it would HAVE to take place over a year, or else the police would be suspicious, even if he was using different implements), and the first five minutes are just a series of shots showing the aftermath of Henry’s crimes edited with scenes of him driving around Chicago.

It is in this opening sequence that John McNaughton displays his fondness for cutting to a close-up of something, and then slowly pulling out for a look at the bigger picture. There’s some 568569 of these shots in the film, and it gets kind of annoying, to be honest. It’s effective at first, but there are only so many times you can use the trick. But it’s his first movie, so I guess it’s forgivable. In my first movie I didn’t even have a cameraman to pull off such shots.

For a low budget movie, the acting is surprisingly good. Michael Rooker is, of course, top notch in the role of Henry, and Tom Towles has what remains his largest role to date as Otis (now he’s just sort of relegated to brief appearances in Rob Zombie movies, though he also did a damn good job as Cooper in the underrated Night of the Living Dead remake). The girl playing Becky is also good as the film’s only non-despicable character, though the fact that she looks like Ed Harris is a bit upsetting.

Here’s an embarrassing story – when I first saw the film, I was so unfamiliar with the cinematic “language” of sex scenes that I didn’t even realize Otis was actually raping Becky at the end of the film. Since all of my exposure to sex scenes in movies at that point had been either in slashers or Basic Instinct (where taking ones' clothes off was pretty much the first priority), I thought he was just an aggressive kisser. Oh well. I also didn’t understand what Becky meant when she talked about her father coming into her room and “doing whatever he wanted”. This is the result of putting a movie nerd like myself in Catholic school – I missed out on key discussions of such matters in study hall, which is something we didn’t even have.

Despite being billed as a 20th anniversary special edition, the DVD is a bit of a letdown. The only extra of note is a badly recorded commentary with McNaughton and some British dude. Whenever the Naught raises his voice above a certain level, the sound on the recording cuts out, sometimes completely muffling what he was saying for the next few seconds. He does offer a lot of good info, however, so overall it’s worth a listen. Just don’t be fooled by the claim that the film runs 130 minutes on the back of the DVD – it’s the same 85 minute uncut version (cut versions run about 78 minutes). I am guessing that whoever designed the art didn’t know the difference between an hour and thirty minutes and a hundred and thirty minutes. What a jerk, huh?

What say you?

Read more »

Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

The Body Snatcher

JANUARY 31, 2008

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: CABLE (TCM)

My Val Lewton marathon (of sorts) continues...

I hope anyone else who recorded this marathon literally recorded the entire thing (if they used DVR instead of old school programmed VHS) – the last 5 minutes of The Body Snatcher were cut off from the recording*. Luckily, as I recorded the next film that was on (Isle of the Dead, if memory serves), I only missed a few seconds. But now I’m guessing that Isle will have the same problem, and the end of THAT film will be on the beginning of the next one. The point is, I wish TCM and other cable stations would take DVR into consideration when making their schedules, or that cable companies would block their stuff in 5 minute increments instead of 15. Jerks.

As for the film itself, it’s pretty good, if nothing special. The other Lewton films offered up some pretty entertaining and somewhat unique stories, but this one seemed a bit familiar to me for whatever reason. I guess there just comes a time in every man’s life when he is bored by the idea of a grave robber turning to actually killing folks to drum up business.

Still, there were two things that stuck out. One is that I am pretty sure this was the first film to use ‘cut to the pet’ as a device in a murder scene. It’s been in lots of films – someone is being killed, and rather than show the carnage, the director or editor cuts to a shot of the victim’s (or in this case, killer’s) dog or cat (or bunny!) watching the scene, doing nothing at all to help (which is why a selfish goddamn cat works better than a loving and caring dog). Since the film has a pretty mean-spirited dog killing early on, it’s almost nice to see a human get killed while the pet is fine.

The other thing that was pretty awesome was the death of the street singer. Every few minutes, a scene would begin with this homeless woman belting out a tune. It started to get on my nerves, and literally 30 seconds after I said “Christ, kill HER”, she was indeed murdered by the killer (Boris Karloff himself!). And even though I welcomed her death, it’s an admittedly chilling scene, as is a later one of Karloff disposing of a body (Bela Lugosi!). Both of them are done off-screen, which is, when done well, usually scarier anyway.

This one was also directed by Robert Wise, who went on to direct The Haunting, a film everyone in the world except me finds really scary. I like this one better. Not only is it shorter, but I wasn’t expecting anything from it, nor has it been sullied by a truly bad remake by Jan De Bont.

What say you?

*If you’re one of the folks who missed the final few minutes, let me sum up: the older doctor guy begins hearing the voice of Karloff, and then becomes convinced that the woman they dug up was in fact Karloff’s body. He looks under the body’s sheet and sees that he is right! This sends him into a panic, and he screams, which scares the horse into running. The younger doctor guy falls out and gives a “Noooooo” as the horse and carriage carry on recklessly into the night. At one point, they separate, and the carriage (with the older doctor guy still in it) careens down a hill and crashes. Young doctor guy runs over and sees that the other doctor was just a right nutter, as the corpse really is that of the woman. YDG sort of shrugs and heads back up the hill, there’s a Hippocrates quote, and the movie ends.

Read more »

Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Feed

JANUARY 24, 2008

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER, WEIRD
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

For over a year now, my buddy Ryan (from Shocktillyoudrop.com) has been telling me to watch Feed, the long-awaited (by someone, I assume) return to filmmaking by Brett Leonard, who made a decent-sized name for himself in the 90s with The Lawnmower Man and Virtuosity, the film that is better than American Gangster in only one respect: having several scenes with both Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe instead of only one.

I think. I dunno; I forget most of that movie. The point is: I wish they had more scenes together in American Gangster.

You might wonder why I’m dwelling on other movies in my Feed review... well, that’s because Feed doesn’t give me much to write about. It’s an overlong bore of a film that has shock value, sure, but it wears off rather quickly. Seeing a fat woman devouring hamburgers while being videotaped for the internet may gross you out the first time, but by the 7th or 8th, you just kind of want the movie to move on. Sadly, it doesn’t. There is a slight variant when the killer tries unsuccessfully to pleasure himself while watching the woman smear cupcakes all over herself, but it’s simply not enough. The last thing I was expecting this movie to be was boring, but it’s the sad truth.

The problem is that the movie doesn’t really do anything with its concept, and if you replaced the fat feeding scenes with basic murders, you’d be left with the least interesting movie ever made. However, at first, this doesn’t seem to be the case. Early on, our sort-of hero (an asshole cop who looks like Daniel Baldwin from the side) discovers a man slicing off parts of another man’s anatomy and feeding it to him. Neither are being forced into it. Coupled with the fat woman/internet thing, I thought this would make for an interesting and consistently ‘shocking’ movie, as the cop discovers more and more abhorrent behavior in the world of “feeders” as he investigates a mystery. But other than this brief interlude, it’s strictly limited to the one fat broad, the killer (whose identity is revealed from the start), and the cop. It could almost be a play.

Further boringing matters is the fact that most of the killer’s rants are just variants of “I’m not the bad guy, SOCIETY is!” Again, the first time around, it might get you thinking, but by the time the screenwriter must have had to use a thesaurus to find enough words to make these soapbox “points” sound different from one another, you’ll be wanting to force feed yourself instead. And since our cop is kind of a dick anyway, the movie leaves us no one to really root for. Fucking kill em all, let me get back to my sandwich.

So the script sucks, but does it work on a visual level? Well, no. No it does not. Leonard keeps using ridiculous filters (usually yellow, though a blue one pops in a few times) for scenes, giving the film an unnatural look that doesn’t really service anything. He also uses a lot of smear focus lenses, so you can see the actor clearly but not the things right next to him, which again, gives the film no added meaning or value. The editor is also suffering from some sort of hyperactive disorder; with many jump cuts, speed ramps, avid farts, strobe edits... if it’s an annoying editing technique best used for an MTV special about Lohan or Paris, then you’ll find it in Feed.

The moral of the story is, of course, never listen to a guy who wanted to walk out of Dead Silence but didn’t even MENTION Halloween on his worst of the year list. Just listen to me, the guy who tells everyone to watch The Hitcher remake.

What say you?

Read more »

Serial Killer, Weird,

{[['']]}

The Killing Floor

JANUARY 19, 2008

GENRE: REVENGE, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

I'm not sure what the point is of hiring a fairly well-known actor or actress and giving them nothing to do for the majority of a film, but it makes even LESS sense when you are trying to give your film a twist ending. Such is the case with The Killing Floor, a film which I will have to spoil in the rest of the review. So if you haven't seen it yet, be warned: I am giving away a twist that isn't really all that surprising to anyone who recognizes the cast.

The actress in question here is Shiri Appleby. Maybe not a household name, but certainly recognizable from a variety of roles on both TV and film. She plays Marc Blucas' assistant, and has literally nothing to do in the film's first hour or so except say things like "There's a call for you" and bringing Blucas his mail. So anyone with a rudimentary understanding of movies, casting, etc. will immediately suspect that she is somehow more important than she seems, if not the MOST important figure in the plot against Blucas (which involves old murders, a betrayed friend, and, sigh, real estate shenanigans). And guess what? She is! The whole movie is a setup she (over)planned to get back at Blucas for not reading her short story. The fact that if he DID read the fucking thing would render the entire movie moot is another matter entirely (seriously, she even gives him the damn thing. Had the guy taken the wrong manuscript into the bathroom after taco night, he never would have had any problems down the line). So in order to make this a "twist", they leave her in the background through most of the movie, so I am just sitting there wondering how long it will be until she is revealed to be the killer.

The other problem is that the viewer has to believe that a man wouldn't be interested in Shiri Appleby:

Come on now.

Otherwise it's actually not too bad of a movie. For what it's worth, the plot twist works well in the context of the rest of the film (ironically, maybe this would make a better book), and the acting is good. Even Blucas, who wasn't exactly Olivier on Buffy, manages to make his asshole character fairly sympathetic. The quality was good for what I am pretty sure is some form of digital media (there are no extras of any sort on the disc to help solve this non-mystery). It barely qualifies as horror (though there's a pretty gruesome scene where a character feeds another's remains to a bunch of pigs), but as a thriller it functions on the level it should, and I guess if you have no idea who Shiri Appleby is you might be surprised that her meek character turns out to be the Big Bad.

What say you?

Read more »

Revenge, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

The Leopard Man

JANUARY 15, 2008

GENRE: PREDATOR, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: CABLE (TCM)

Just yesterday I was praising Turner Classic Movies (see?), and now I shall again. Although I heard about it a bit too late for the whole thing, last night they showed pretty much all of Val Lewton’s horror movies, along with a documentary about him, and I DVRed the hell out of the remainder of the marathon. The first I got was The Leopard Man, a film that sort of gives away its own ending in the title.

Yes, whenever someone dies in the movie, an escaped leopard is blamed. But the movie is called Leopard MAN after all, so you know it’s not that simple. Amusingly, the characters go at great lengths to blame only the poor leopard for the killings; both the guy who owned the thing and the graveyard keeper who locked one victim inside the graveyard (preventing her escape) are told they shouldn’t feel guilty. Yes they fucking should! Especially in the latter case, whether it’s a leopard or a man or a sandwich, the dude locked the poor broad inside, knowing that she was still in there! Asshole!

These scenes are quite good (especially the first one, where the girl is pleading for help and her bitch of a mother refuses to unlock the door, thinking she is faking her terror). Unfortunately, the in between scenes that focus on the rather melodramatic lives of rival cigarette girls (there’s a rare term) aren’t as interesting, because, well, I could care less about the romantic lives of rival cigarette girls. Presenting them in soap opera fashion certainly doesn’t help matters. However, since the movie is only 66 minutes long, there isn’t a lot of room for these type of scenes; not enough to kill the movie at any rate.

What IS almost enough to kill the movie is the sound of one of the girls’ rattles that she uses in her dancing routine. It’s annoying enough to listen to during the routine, but she pretty much plays with it in all of her scenes. Put the damn thing away!

According to delightfully dull TCM host Robert Osborne, this was the final collaboration between Val Lewton and Jacques Tourneur (the actual director; Lewton was just the producer), the other two being Cat People and I Walked With A Zombie (which are the two movies I missed). I’ve never heard much about the others I got, so it’s kind of a bummer that I missed out on the most famous of the bunch. Still, there were like eight movies in all (I think they basically just ran the DVD box set listed below), of which I got five (I also skipped the Cat People sequel, per my “go in order” rule) so expect to see more Lewton-centric reviews in the coming week or so. Hurrah for TCM! This helps me slow down how many discs I rent from Blockbuster Online... I think I am singlehandedly to blame for them jacking up the cost of their ‘Total Access’ program, which I have abused the hell out of since its inception. Sorry bout that.

What say you?

Read more »

Classic, Predator, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Untraceable (2008)

JANUARY 10, 2008

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER, TECHNOLOGY

SOURCE: THEATRICAL (PRESS SCREENING)

For a while I thought I was a fan of Gregory Hoblit. I really enjoyed Frequency, and consider Hart’s War to be one of the most underrated films in Bruce Willis’ career (I am proud to say I am one of the 14 people who saw Hart’s in theaters). And Primal Fear is one of the few Ed Norton movies I can stand. But now, after the double whammy of Fracture and Untraceable, I realize that the guy doesn't really have any sort of style or recurring themes in his films, and just sort of directs whatever comes his way, much like your Roger Donaldsons or Stephen Hopkinses.

(I haven’t seen Fallen).

The problem with Untraceable is that it tries to cater to two audiences: those who like Hostel or Saw, and those who enjoy Diane Lane movies and “adult thrillers” (read: movies in which putting a child in momentary danger is considered “edgy”). And it ends up satisfying neither. The traps are incredibly weak, and the whole hook of the movie (that the more people who log into the website, the faster the victim will be killed) is never really explained. We see the numbers going up, and the music and look in the victim’s eyes tell us that THIS IS BAD, but it’s never clear what exactly the increments mean. For example, one trap involves the victim in a big vat of water. The computer tracker thingie is connected to a tank of sulfuric acid. The more people that watch, the more acid is pumped in. But it seems sort of arbitrary – the gas gets released at random hit levels (as opposed to something like “for each million viewers, 1 ounce of gas will be released”). Also, they don’t bother coming up with any sort of explanation for what would happen if people began logging off of the site.

But on the flipside, the 40ish women who flock to see Lane in things like Over The Tucson Moon or whatever the fuck will be grossed out by the “horrible” things on screen, like, well, a guy dissolving in a tub of acid. There’s also a guy who is burnt to death, another is bled to death, and a kitty is starved to death. Come on, only gorehounds will like that stuff, and they will be bored shitless by the rest of the movie. The soccer moms will be disgusted and walk out. So who wins?

Well, assholes like me do! The one saving grace of the film is reading the stuff people post as they watch the videos. Unlike pretty much anything else in the movie, the stuff the kids say in response to the video feels authentic, with “ROFL he’s ded” (sic) and “OMG WTF?!?!?!?” type things flashing by. Most of them are only funny if you’ve seen the respective video, or otherwise I would post more (my favorite is one guy’s anger at “watching a house”). Had the entire movie just been a nonstop scroll of these comments, it would probably be my favorite movie of the year.

Another thing they totally skip over is how an FBI agent manages to get captured by a guy smaller than him (I’m not giving anything away, the killer’s identity is not a secret and he is 'revealed' in the first half hour). Like the notion of people logging off the site, it seems whatever they couldn’t come up with a plausible explanation for, they just skipped it entirely. They set up that he’s the killer’s target, and then viola! He’s tied to a torture device.

I wish they kept this practice for a truly idiotic plot device involving Morse code. The aforementioned FBI agent begins blinking strangely, and Lane figures out that it’s Morse code. This is sort of dumb, but I probably would have went with it. Unfortunately, it’s foreshadowed by the clunkiest line of dialogue ever recorded in a film. Earlier in the film, the same agent comments “Too bad he wasn’t a boy scout, he could bleed in Morse code and tell us his location.” That doesn’t make any fucking sense whatsoever, and no human being would ever say such a thing, UNLESS he was setting up the usage of Morse later in the film. Fucking Christ.

However, I will admit that I liked how, for once, when the one guy who knows Morse begins transcribing the message, he doesn’t find himself magically at the beginning of the phrase. I always hate that in movies, the person translating the code somehow knows everything the guy said prior to the revelation. It’s like, “It’s Morse Code! (grabs pen and paper) ‘Beep BEEEEP Beep Beep BEEEEEP’.... OK he says he is being held at the St James Hotel in room 405 and that there are 12 guys on him with assault rifles and also...”

Well, whatever. It’s a Screen Gems movie, so who is expecting anything but the hope they won’t want their money back? I saw it for free (though I had to pay 3 bucks for parking AND fight an hour’s worth of traffic to get there) so I don’t qualify, but had I paid for it, I guess I’d be OK with the loss of 10 bucks. I like Lane OK enough, and the dude playing her partner was kind of funny, since he swore all the time. Generic time-killer, nothing more, nothing less. *shrug*

What say you?

Read more »

Serial Killer, Technology,

{[['']]}

Toe Tags (2003)

DECEMBER 17, 2007

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 3!!!)

Man... there should be some sort of warning on these movies. “This was filmed with the same camera your uncle films family gatherings with and the acting within isn’t quite as good as that of porn.” Once again being marginally better than the previous film from the Decrepit Crypt set, Toe Tags is still a miserable excuse for a film that doesn’t deserve to be commercially available. If it was free on Youtube (which the video quality often resembles) it would be one thing, but come on guys.

Like Before I Die, these guys didn’t even bother using sound recording equipment for their film. Thus, when people are close to the camera, you can hear them, and when they are not, you can’t. If you for some reason decide to watch this film, be prepared to keep your finger on the volume button.

And these guys are supposed to be cops.

Also, this one is quite short. It lists a running time of 68 minutes, but the film itself is only 60. The other 8 are bloopers and behind the scenes footage of the (bad) makeup effects. The only interesting thing about any of them is hearing someone genuinely laugh at a guy’s terrible (and confusing) Tony Montana/Travis Bickle impression. Note to the world – saying either “Say hello to my little friend!” or “You talking to me?” in any situation or capacity is not funny, ever, and you really should just fucking stop doing them (and witnesses to them should not under any circumstances encourage them by laughing).

The movie also manages to top Silent Night Deadly Night’s antler scene in regards to how bad the character’s peripheral vision is. In SNDN, a guy doesn’t notice his girlfriend hanging by a pair of antlers, because she’s at his, let’s say, 4 o’ clock. Well this one is even stupider:

The blond chick doesn't see the woman walking up to her. Un-fucking-believable. Seriously, I’m about to throw this entire fucking set into the trash.

What say you?

Read more »

Decrepit Crypt, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}

Bluebeard (1944)

NOVEMBER 28, 2007

GENRE: HERO KILLER, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 2!!!)

Is there anything more upsetting than when you watch a movie thinking it’s about a killer pirate and it turns out to be a movie about a “romantic” killer, filmed in the days before things like graphic violence or blood were shown on screen? Such was the case with Bluebeard, which I watched without reading the description, since many of the Mill Creek synopsii spoil parts of the film.

I dunno if it was a stylish choice, or if that the woman just couldn’t be bothered to act, but one of the film’s highlights was a pretty chilling murder scene, filmed in a Dutch angle, where Bluebeard (John Carradine) strangles a woman. She doesn’t do ANYTHING as he lunges, and doesn’t struggle or anything as he squeezes her throat. Very odd. Speaking of Carradine, I had long thought that the greatest thing to ever pass from his lips (in a film*) would be the haunting theme to Red Zone Cuba: “Night Train To Mundo Fine”. But Bluebeard dispelled that notion, when he asks a woman he just met “Would you let me make a puppet in your image?” Now, like many of you I'm sure, I get this request all the time from near total strangers, but somehow when Carradine says it, it becomes all the more upsetting.

And it’s good to know that the 1940’s had their own Michael Jeter.

There is also a lot of stuff with puppets, including what seems like 5 straight minutes of a puppet show at the beginning of the film. Sadly, this plot device is more or less dropped from the film after 20 minutes or so. Which is a bummer, for I enjoy marionettes. I’d be all for it if they decided to keep cutting to puppet shows throughout the film apropos of nothing, sort of like all the musical numbers in Horror Of Party Beach.

One thing that kept me from enjoying the movie as much as I might have otherwise was the NONSTOP FUCKING MUSIC. Not only does it literally never stop once during the entire movie (at times even slightly drowning out the dialogue), but it’s never really appropriate to the scene for the most part. A scene of Bluebeard talking to some cops has what sounds like the theme to a daytime soap playing over the entire thing, for example. What the hell were they thinking back then? It’s one thing for a silent film, but when people are trying to talk (and nothing is happening), shut the fucking score off! Even if it was Broken Arrow, which contains the finest score for an action movie ever, I’d start getting sick of it. You gotta leave ‘em wanting more!!

What say you?

*Carradine once said in an interview: “I am a ham! And the ham in an actor is what makes him interesting.” We need more actors who admit that they are in fact cold cuts.

Read more »

Hero Killer, Horror Classics, Serial Killer,

{[['']]}