The Witches' Mountain

SEPTEMBER 18, 2007

GENRE: CULT, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!!!)

What is it about the movies that involve cults on the Chilling Classics set that make me like them even though they are technically awful? The Witches’ Mountain is no exception: it’s poorly photographed, seemingly on pause most of the time, and doesn’t make a lick of sense, yet I remain compelled by its non-narrative and heartily recommend it, same as I did for Crypt Of The Living Dead and Devil’s Hand.

A big part of the attraction here is the soundtrack. It’s.... wow. Let’s see, there’s one composition that sounds better suited for the music that would play over an opening credits sequence of someone driving along the California coast, yet it plays over a scene of a woman finding a cat stabbed to death in her bed. Then there’s a lot of chanting stuff, apropos of what is going on in the scene. And then near the end there’s something that could only be described as the Mexican Choir version of ELO’s "Eldorado".

What any of that has to do with horror, well your guess is as good as mine. It’s not so much a horror movie as it is a “Guy takes pictures on a mountain while his girlfriend drinks tea with an old woman” movie. But she’s a damn fine looking woman, as is ex-wife, who appears in one scene in the beginning that is so far removed from the rest of the film, one has no other option than to believe that she will be part of a “twist” at the end.

The end of the film is just as laid back as everything else. After developing his photos and seeing people in them that weren’t there when he took the shot (there’s even one picture he took in which he himself appears – yet this doesn’t really seem to startle him), he tells his girlfriend they have to leave, at which point some poorly photographed scenes of people carrying green flames begin, resulting in a bunch of woman literally throwing themselves on him and his girlfriend takes a cliff dive. The final shot of the film involves what looks like a colander attached to a medieval speak n spell, and damned if I have any idea what the fuck it’s supposed to mean.

But I liked it. Hell I almost wanted to watch it again. How can you not like a movie that includes a casting credit that reads “With the special collaboration of John Smith” (not the actual name – I didn’t write it down in my notes). That’s WAY better than “Special Appearance by” or “Guest starring”. Plus it has a chick who looks like Eva Longoria blowing up a snake or something.

I really don’t have a goddamn clue what is going on here. But maybe that’s how it ended up on the same disc as Bad Taste (!!!) and Deep Red (!!!!!!), two actual, legitimate, GOOD movies that the Creek somehow got their hands on. It deserves to be among giants.

What say you?

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Chilling Classics, Cult, Supernatural,

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Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

SEPTEMBER 17, 2007

GENRE: MAD SCIENTIST, MONSTER, WEIRD
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!!!)

Until a few days ago, I never would have had any interest in watching Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter, but I happened to see the new film about James, with an equally ridiculous title: The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford, a film that was quite excellent, although missing the key chapter in James’ life where his partner got turned into a monster.

See, whenever I see a historical film I really like, I tend to believe I am truly interested in the real story, and usually go buy a book or a documentary about it (which I did for James, as it was based on a book to begin with). And then the book/doc goes unread/watched as I eventually re-lose interest. It’s an expensive habit, as it leaves me with lots more books I’ll probably never read. Which is why I’ll never watch Mel Brooks’ History of the World.

Anyway, while The Assassination... was a great film, this one is just a boring waste of time. With a title like that, you’d think you were in for some fun, but the film is played totally straight. Worse, the film is far more about Jesse James, i.e. a western, than about Frankenstein’s daughter, i.e. a horror movie. And worse still, the title isn’t even accurate, since the girl is the GRANDdaughter of the good doctor. What, were they worried that Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Granddaughter would sound silly?

Like all Frankenstein films, there’s a birth scene, and that one’s fine for the day (especially when the ‘daughter’ keeps yelling “You are now Igor!” with a ridiculous accent, one that makes “Igor!” sound more like “evil!”), but it’s pretty much the only horror scene in the damn thing. Everything else is a standard western, complete with a backstabbing partner, a saloon brawl (this scene includes Nestor Paiva - still a total load), a holdup, a Mexican woman, etc. Even when the monster is alive, he’s not very threatening. He’s just a shirtless dumb guy in a western.

Well, whatever. I am one film closer to completing the entire budget pack, at which time I believe Mill Creek will name me their executive vice president of acquisitions and accounting. Or at least send me the Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares (the likely heir to the Chilling Classics throne) set.

What say you?

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Chilling Classics, Mad Scientist, Monster, Weird,

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Alice, Sweet Alice (aka Communion)

SEPTEMBER 16, 2007

GENRE: RELIGIOUS, SLASHER
SOURCE: CABLE (FLIX)

The worst thing a filmmaker can do is be Paul Haggis. But the SECOND worst thing a filmmaker can do is setup a killer kid movie and turn it into a killer old Italian woman movie, which is exactly what Alfred Sole did in Alice, Sweet Alice.

I don't think it's spoiling much, since it's revealed halfway through, but it was still disappointing. Killer kids are always welcome in my DVD player. Luckily, the film’s other merits more or less make up for it. There’s a delightful cast full of despicable characters, such as an aunt that seemingly hates everyone in her family, and a fat landlord who may be a pedophile. Also, there are a few hints that the little girl we thought was a killer IS at least going to be one someday (and she does kill a cat by flinging it hard onto the floor - poor kitty!). And the music rips off Psycho’s to a certain, but not excessive, degree. Hurrah!

The only thing that really bummed me out was that nothing in the film was as creepy as the film’s poster (see below), which used to scare me at the video store as a kid. I also remember for some reason that there was a badly shrink wrapped copy of the film at the Sam Goody that I worked at during high school, and that the damn thing STILL freaked me out. Yet I waited like 15 years after being aware of its existence to watch it. What the hell is my problem?

Also, the religious stuff may turn some off. Of course, when the film was made (and also when it was set, which is 15 years before the film was made, for reasons that are never explained), the Catholic Church was more or less in good public standing. But nowadays, a woman so devout to its teachings that she would kill “sinners” is sort of nothing compared to the real world, where the priests molest little boys while the higher ups spend their time focusing on the “real” problem of, well, movies like this.

But hey, if you ever wanted to stab your priest in the neck while he fed you communion, let yourself live through this otherwise sort of pointless movie!

What say you?

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Religious, Slasher,

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Elisabeth Ladenson's "Proust’s Lesbianism"

Elisabeth Ladenson is Associate Professor of French and Comparative Literature at Columbia University.

Earlier this year she applied the Page 69 Test to her latest book, Dirt for Art's Sake: Books on Trial from Madame Bovary to Lolita.

Here she sketches the story behind the film adaptation of her first book, Proust’s Lesbianism:

I have always been amazed that Hollywood had not until now recognized the tremendous cinematic potential of academic literary criticism. Luckily, Marshal Zeringue has now rectified this by selling Miramax an adaptation of my first book, Proust’s Lesbianism. And as though Marshal’s screenplay were not compelling enough, he has convinced them to sign Kevin Spacey for the part of Marcel Proust. Spacey spends much of the action looking through a keyhole taking notes as Albertine (Keira Knightley) and Andrée (Christina Ricci), go at it in a luxurious Belle Époque brothel. He then returns to his cork-lined room to write volumes 5, 6 and 7 of his great novel. In the meantime, the action is framed by the reminiscences of a middle-aged academic (Kathy Bates) as she recalls her attempts to get her first book published so as not to lose her job at a prominent state university founded by Thomas Jefferson (Nick Nolte, reprising this role in a cameo).

If this film does as well as predicted, the sky’s the limit for film adaptations of academic monographs. Who has not dreamt of a movie version of Derrida’s Of Grammatology, to name only the most obvious example?

Read more about Proust’s Lesbianism at the publisher's website.

The Page 69 Test: Dirt for Art's Sake.

--Marshal Zeringue

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The Brink

SEPTEMBER 15, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, GHOST, TECHNOLOGY
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

DID YOU KNOW:

That The Brink is so bad, it actually makes the execrable White Noise (which has a similar plot) look good in comparison?

I bet you didn't! Let's see what else we can learn from this otherwise worthless movie!

Did you know that Thomas Edison died from an axe wound he received when attempting to defend himself against a ghost that he had brought into our world via his newest invention - a radio that could talk to the dead?

Or that the best place to open a suitcase containing important documents is the side of the highway, with trucks and cars whizzing by inches away?

Or that the only engineers that have the ability to revive Edison's invention are not older dudes in their 40s, but incredibly cute girls in their 20s?

Or that someone could remember a doll that she had as a newborn infant?

Or that 71 minutes (with a listed running time of 74 minutes) could still feel endless, and include lots of padding?

Or that most episodes of Goosebumps are not only scarier, but less idiotic to an intelligent viewer?

Or that IMDb lists this film as being Action, Drama, Horror, Sci-Fi, AND Thriller, and yet fails to achieve even the most basic principles of any of those type of films?

If you did not know any of those things, then I recommend The Brink to you! Otherwise, it's 74-but-really-71 minutes of your life you will never get back, unless Thomas Edison had also invented a machine that allowed you to do so.

What say you?

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Crap, Ghost, Technology,

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The Poughkeepsie Tapes

SEPTEMBER 14, 2007

GENRE: MOCKUMENTARY, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: UH.....

Well folks, I do believe I may be murdered soon. If so, I assume Horror Movie A Day will come to an end.

Let me explain.

On Tuesday, which you probably know was the 6th anniversary of the 9-11 attacks, I came home to find a DVD-R on my door. It was not labeled, but it did have a crude drawing of what looked like a Michael Myers type on it. I put it in my player and saw that it was a horror movie called The Poughkeepsie Tapes. Having already watched a movie that day, and with Wednesday and Thursday's movies already 'scheduled' (One I had to review legit for B-D, the other I had to return to the store before I got charged), I slotted it for today, Friday.

Then it gets creepy.

See, while the film is in fact quite good and unnerving on it’s own right, what really freaks me out is that in the film, the actual 9-11 (as in, 2001) figures prominently and quite chillingly at the end of the 2nd act. Now, this could be just a coincidence, but since I have yet to figure out who left the DVD on my door (the most obvious suspect I know for a fact wasn’t even in the country, as he was in Toronto for the Fearfest), it gives me the goddamn willies.

Plus, like I said, the film itself is unnerving. Sort of a cross between Blair Witch Project and a typical serial killer movie, I will honestly say that it’s one of the most genuinely upsetting horror movies I have seen in ages. The film is presented half through video footage, and half through documentary style interviews and police/news footage. There are no jump scares, instead just a general, almost nonstop feeling of disturbing creepiness, like later in the film when we see the killer (whose costume looks like the monster on the cover of Stephen King’s "The Stand") slowly crawl toward his intended victim, or when a couple of girl scouts enter his home during a cookie selling routine. The most disturbing scene, however, is when the killer walks up to the home of one of his victims, where the girl’s mother is outside smoking. He approaches her and says “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” She says thanks, but then looks at him, and it slowly dawns on her who he is. She begins to cry, as he giggles and runs away. Gah!!! You won’t scream while watching the film, but it will stick with you later, and that’s more impressive anyway.

It’s not a perfect film however. There is never any explanation for the horrendous video quality of the killer’s footage. By now, you expect the fuzzy lines and things like that when a film presents video footage, but it’s really bad even by those standards. I mean, if this guy is documenting seemingly everything he does, you’d think he’d opt for a better camera. I understand the point, but it seems they went a bit overboard with the effect. Also a few of the actors are entirely unconvincing, something I normally don’t care about, but it IS a problem when it’s a ‘documentary’. One in particular, a Sarah Silverman-ish FBI agent, is atrocious, though luckily she’s only in a few scenes (and delivers a laugh out loud line concerning bureaucracy). For the most part though, you totally buy into the idea that this is real.

As far as I know, it’s not really based on any true events (though a scene with Ted Bundy suggests that The Green River Killer was at least a partial inspiration), but hopefully some folks will think it’s real, Blair Witch style, when the film is released in theaters next year. I know I plan to lie to those who are easily duped.

What say you?

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Mockumentary, Serial Killer,

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Final Draft (2007)

SEPTEMBER 13, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, PSYCHOLOGICAL
SOURCE: DVD (SCREENER)

Let’s talk about some key ingredients for a great horror story. Clowns? For sure. A writer? Hell yes, works for Stephen King in every other book. Isolation? Most definitely. A cast member from Dawson’s Creek (in this case, Dawson himself, James Van Der Beek)? Ye- oh wait. Abandon... The Skulls... Disturbing Behavior... Forsaken.... that one’s iffy.

So where does Final Draft fall on the spectrum? I’ll give you a hint: I’d rather watch Abandon.

Sweet asschristing fuck, I don’t know how a movie can squander so many opportunities to at least be interesting, let alone good, but this one managed. It’s almost more impressive that they failed so miserably than it would be had they just made a good movie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a film that continuously set up so many promising ideas only to never follow through on them.

For example: the backstory involves Dawson’s character laughing at a clown who accidentally burnt himself to death during a circus. He dreams about this clown one night, and decides to write a movie about the clown coming back to seek revenge on all the kids who laughed at him. Now, the movie can do three things: One, actually have the clown come back and get revenge on Dawson; two, have the script somehow come to life as his friends begin mysteriously dying; or three, have Dawson kill his friends himself in order to ‘research’ the story. Hell, they even sort of set one of these up, as one of his actor friends loses a movie role and then he’s “late” for a coffee date with Dawson. Did he die? Did Dawson kill him in a fit of unconscious rage? No, he just didn’t show up on time for some reason. Whatever.

No, instead, the movie is simply an endless montage of Dawson hanging around his apartment, trying to write. He distracts himself with old videos, basketball, coffee, mousetraps, calendars... doesn’t this sound exciting? Then at one point, he begins to imagine his ex-friends and ex-wife are in the apartment with him, taunting him and distracting him further. At this point, he begins writing scenes in which the clown kills them. There’s no gore or anything interesting about these killings, but at least something is SORT OF happening. One gets the idea that the film is fairly autobiographical, that perhaps writer Darryn Lucio really was trying to write a movie about a murderous hobo clown, came down with a severe case of writer’s block, and wrote this instead; sort of like Adaptation crossed with The Shining, but that doesn’t excuse the film from being a colossal bore.

And a couple times during the film we see the final page of Dawson’s script, which says FADE TO BLACK, THE END. Does this film fade to black? Nope. It cuts to it. It’s a meta-movie that can’t even stay meta.

I almost considered writing a meta-review, where I just wrote about how I was having trouble writing my Final Draft review, but I decided to be like the movie in a different way: by being lazy and not putting any goddamn effort into it at all.

What say you?

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Crap, Psychological,

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