Sarah Langan's "The Missing"

Sarah Langan received her MFA in fiction writing from Columbia University. She studied with Michael Cunningham, Nicholas Christopher, Helen Schulman, and Maureen Howard, among others, all of whom have been instrumental to her work. She is currently a master's candidate in environmental medicine at NYU.

Earlier this year Langan applied the Page 69 Test to The Keeper, her first novel.

Here she develops a few ideas about the cast and crew for a film adaptation of her new novel, The Missing:

I’d love for The Missing to be made into a movie, mostly because it would get more people to read the book. Also, I would become a rich and famous bizillionaire, and replace all my teeth with gold!

For directors, and we’re talking crazy mad dream here, I love Marty (in my dreams, I call him Marty) Scorsese. He’d handle the violence in the book with honesty, so that it never got campy or gleeful. Also, he understands intelligent women. His actresses fight the camera until it sees things their way, while lesser directors are happy to fill the screen with pretty (boring) smiles. Under his direction, Meg and Fenstad Wintrob’s love would be poignant, and Lois’ bitterness sympathetic.

For screenwriters, I love Brent Hanley (Frailty). He understands that horror comes from within, and his stories engage with the world. I’m also pretty thrilled with Ido Mizrahy and David Meyer -- the guys currently working on a screenplay (well, up until the strike) for The Keeper.

As for actors, Philip Seymour Hoffman would make a great Fenstad. I think he’d bring a quiet turmoil to the role. Fenstad Wintrob is the town psychiatrist in The Missing. While he madly loves his wife Meg, their marriage is unraveling. A year previous to the opening of the novel, she engaged in a short affair, which she regrets. Still, she remains unfulfilled, and he’s miserable, because he can’t figure out why she can’t enjoy life now that their nest is empty, and they’ve finally got time to themselves. Actually, Donald Sutherland thirty years ago would have been perfect. Then again, when is Donald Sutherland NOT perfect?

I wrote Meg’s character with Nicole Kidman in mind, mostly because Kidman is so frigging cool. But Maria Bello, Vera Farmiga, Linda Fiorentino, Rachel Griffiths, Carrie-Anne Moss, and Téa Leoni all have that same smart, type A sexiness that I envisioned for my heroine. She’s comfortable in her own skin, and accustomed to being in charge. Her weakness is her inability to be vulnerable, which I think is a nice twist, and more common than often gets written about.

Lois Larkin is the hero-turned-villain, and probably the most fun to imagine casting. Upon being dumped by her boyfriend of seven years for her best friend, and losing her job, Lois’ personality takes a turn toward the dark side, and her carnal appetites are unleashed. She’s gorgeous, wounded, angry, and infected with a virus that allows her to read other peoples’ thoughts. I like Angelina Jolie for the role. She’s great in everything she does. Or Rita Hayworth — she would have been amazing! Also, I can only imagine the crazy stuff Rita put up with, while living with Orson. I like to imagine she was the genius behind the genius all those years.

Learn more about The Missing at Sarah Langan's website.

The Page 69 Test: The Keeper.

--Marshal Zeringue

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Ring Around The Rosie

DECEMBER 4, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, GHOST (?)
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Scorsese. Spielberg. Scott (both Tony and Ridley). Stone. And hell, why not: Sonnenfeld. Not only do many of our most revered modern directors apparently have names that begin with the letter "S", but they also all, at one point, put Tom Sizemore in their high profile films. How does a guy go from working with some of the greats to starring in a total piece of shit like Ring Around The Rosie (directed by the non-S Rubi Zack)? Oh, right. Drugs and hookers. Fuck the “this is your brain on drugs” ads, I think the youth of today should just watch Saving Private Ryan and this goddamn thing (or worst, Bottom Feeder) back to back so they can see how truly fucked up their life can become.

At least Bottom Feeder had the good sense to attempt to be fun, and actually include something, you know, HAPPENING every now and then. Rosie does not follow suit. Instead, we have the Jeepers Creepers girl walk around a house getting scared at just about everything, falling down a lot, getting leered at by Sizemore, engaging in uncomfortably close behavior with her sister (there were at least three instances where I thought for sure they were about to start making out), and getting scared at other things. Ironically, I thought the film was going turn out to be a gem, as she begins seeing things and getting spooked almost immediately after arriving at the requisite “inherited old house”, but as anyone else unfortunate enough to have seen this thing already knows, the movie basically peaks at that point, roughly 15 minutes into the film.

I guess when you can’t afford Oliver Hudson you just get this guy?

For the next hour, nothing else happens of note. Literally. Sizemore teaches her how to ride a horse in the film’s biggest action sequence. Then, finally, with about 10 minutes to go, Sizemore suddenly tries to rape the two girls, one of them dies, and then Jeepers girl’s douchebag-y boyfriend shows up and provides a twist ending that is not only stupid but also fails to resolve the film’s central storyline. Some kind souls on the IMDb posted some theories, I just read the first and accepted it as canon just so I wouldn’t have to think about the movie anymore. Let’s just say the movie is a ripoff of A Tale of Two Sisters (the review is linked, but don’t bother reading it, all it says is “I have no idea what I just saw, but I liked it.” I was really lazy that day).

Shockingly, there are FIVE credited writers on this goddamn thing. I think that’s a record for a non Bruckheimer production. I wonder which of them came up with the scene where the douchebag drags a dead deer off the road, or the scene where a bunch of postcards and photos fly around a room for no reason. Was it in the script that two sisters who look a lot alike as children would grow up to look as un-alike as any two women in the entire world possibly can? And who among the five decided that it would be easier to tape a "D" over the "C" in "Candyland" rather than get permission to show it in their shitty movie?

Oh, Sizemore. *shakes head sadly*

What say you?

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Crap, Ghost,

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Critters (1986)

DECEMBER 3, 2007

GENRE: ALIEN, COMEDIC, MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Man, it’s always a bummer when you see a movie again as an adult that you liked as a kid and it turns out to be a lot less fun and awesome than you remember. Critters is one such movie. I really liked it as a kid, but for some reason forgot to ever watch it again after 1988 or so. So I put it in for one of those “Been Too Long” HMAD picks, and walked away disappointed.

That’s not to say the movie is bad. Not at all. The spaceships are cheesy as hell, but well integrated with the backgrounds for the most part (looks like they ran out of money before doing the final shot of the bounty hunter ship returning to space), and the monster effects are terrific throughout. But it’s just not as fun/funny as it could have been (or as I remember it), and it’s pretty dated as well.

For starters, it takes far too long to get going. By the 40 minute mark, the critters have only killed one superfluous guy. Look, Billy Zane plays a pretty boy with a ponytail, so we need to see him killed a lot sooner than almost an hour in! And why cast the great M. Emmett Walsh in a film if you’re going to forget all about him for almost an hour? Also, we are shown several town locals, but none of them get killed. Since the kill scenes are PG-13 anyway, why not kill a few more of them in standalone sequences? It’s not like it costs that much extra money to show a Crite jump out and snarl, then cut to a shadow of the person being killed or whatever. If memory serves, Critters 2 had more attacks, so I guess the producers agreed. But still, if you’re only dealing with a family of four for most of the time, a lot of the suspense is gone, because you know none of them are going to die. Which is why the similarly comedic Tremors worked so well – they had a motley group of folks all scattered about the town. Even though the film had a relatively low body count in the end, you never felt anyone besides Kevin Bacon and his love interest were truly safe.

I still got a few laughs out of it though. The one old lady’s comment about the bounty hunters being from Los Angeles was hilarious, and I also enjoyed the little ET gag (made even funnier by the fact that Universal obviously wouldn’t allow a REAL likeness so they used the crappiest knockoff toy ever):

And why does that one bounty hunter guy keep changing his face? And why does the Director of Photograpy credit appear over a still image???

What say you?

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Alien, Comedic, Monster,

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Phantom Of The Paradise

DECEMBER 2, 2007

GENRE: COMEDIC, HERO KILLER, MUSICAL, WEIRD
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

For the 2nd time in one technical day, I found myself at the New Beverly Cinema in LA. While Slumber Party Massacre was a midnight movie as part of an unrelated series, tonight began “The Wright Stuff”, a 2 week festival in which Edgar Wright, genius behind Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, would be showing his favorite movies, and bringing surprise guests. Tonight kicked off with a double feature celebrating songwriter Paul Williams. First was Bugsy Malone, which wasn’t horror, so who cares about that (for the record - OK film, great songs). After that was Phantom of the Paradise, an early Brian De Palma film that I had never gotten around to seeing, despite some BC-centric perks (for example, many have said that some of the songs are Steinman-esque, and now, having seen it, I am inclined to agree).

Before I begin rambling about the movie proper, I just want to point out how much you are missing if you don’t go out to your local revival theater, ESPECIALLY if you happen to be an LA resident and thus your revival theater is in fact, the New Beverly. Because, over the course of 3-4 hrs, I saw:

• Scott Caan try, unsuccessfully, to start his motorcycle. It took him a good 5 minutes' worth of attempts to get it going.
• Quentin Tarantino sang a song from Ishtar (a “secret” 3rd film that I was too tired to wait around for)
• A mini-Grindhouse reunion of sorts, as not only were Edgar and Quentin there, but Eli Roth showed up and ate one of my friend’s cookies (I assume that he had other reasons for being there, but they were good cookies so I dunno).
• Mary Elizabeth Winstead (also from Grindhouse!). She didn’t do anything interesting, but have you seen her? She’s hot.
• The guy who plays Superman in front of the Mann’s theaters (LA folk will know the one) WITHOUT his Superman costume on! He had it with him, of course, but he was wearing something else.
• The Hudson Hawk trailer (before Ishtar - I am sure you can figure out the connection)!

Also, because he’s a bit absent-minded, my friends and I ended up paying for Edgar Wright’s quesadilla and diet coke. Since I got my Hot Fuzz DVD for free I guess it evens out.

Plus, you know, movies! Phantom was a lot of fun, but the finale was very abrupt (and really needed another song). Horror + Musical is not a very common mix, so it was understandably appealing to me, lover of all things atypical. And, like I have mentioned before, the only time I enjoy the Phantom of the Opera story is when it is being “modernized” in some way (Phantom of the Mall, Argento’s Opera...).

However, in addition to the Phantom story, this one also has elements of Faust and Dorian Gray, plus, being a De Palma film, several smaller homages to other movies/stories. And, while I doubt it was intentional, the killer’s get up looks quite much like that of the Prince of Space, so that’s always a plus.

One thing that struck me as odd – the film was shot 1.85:1, but had a split screen segment (in fact it’s one of the films highlights). You’d think that De Palma, who is a master of the wide image, would want to go scope for this reason, but alas. Carrie was like this as well. It’s crucial to see the whole image, and this was pre-pan&scan VHS anyway, so you gotta wonder why he wouldn’t want to give himself more room to work with. Hell, Blow Out, when shown on TV, even goes back to widescreen during the split screen segment. Speaking of Carrie, as is the norm at the New Beverly, some “themed” trailers showed before the movie, in this case other De Palma movies. The Carrie trailer spells Stephen King’s name wrong (“Steven”). He’s a writer, that’s a fineable offense! Misspelled credits make me sick!!!

Paul Williams’ songs are fantastic; I might even have to pick up the soundtrack. The first ballad that William Finley sings on the piano is worth the cost alone (I say cost because I was unable to find it on the torrent sites). Williams himself plays the “real” villain of the film, yet doesn’t sing as much as I was hoping. In fact, it barely qualifies as a musical; there’s only like 5 or 6 songs in the whole thing. But without the songs the film would be nowhere near as memorable, making it all the more impressive how much impact they have, considering the relatively small amount of time of the film that is devoted to them. Jessica Harper (she was damn hot back in the day) has a few songs as well, and made me want to watch Shock Treatment again. “Bitchin’ in the kitchen, or cryin’ in the bedroom all niiiiiiiiight!” And then of course, there’s Beef:

For a PG movie it’s pretty insane, I can’t imagine how a kid would react to it. It’s one of those movies that makes you wish the rating system reflected the audience the film was intended for – it’s kind of odd that on a surface level, the MPAA is saying that the (PG-13) Harry Potter movies are less appropriate for children than a movie about a guy who kills a whole bunch of folks trying to get revenge on a drug using devil worshiper who stole from him.

What say you?

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Comedic, Hero Killer, Musical, Weird,

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Slumber Party Massacre

DECEMBER 2, 2007

GENRE: COMEDIC, SLASHER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

I don’t think I’ve ever been as freaked out in my life as I was when watching Slumber Party Massacre at a midnight screening at my beloved New Beverly Cinema in Los Angeles. I hadn’t seen the film since I was 6 (I think it was the first slasher movie I ever saw), and had barely even thought about it since. But at two moments during the film, it became clear that the film had left some sort of impression on me as a little kid that would resurface as a senior in high school.

Now, before I explain, I should note that Massacre was actually written as a parody of slasher movies, but filmed fairly straightforward, resulting in a movie that’s as unintentionally hilarious as it is intentionally so. If the characters referenced other slasher movies, Scream would have to be declared a complete ripoff, in fact. Anyway, when I was 18, my friend Jeff and I made a short film (little over a half hour) that was also a parody/straight slasher, set in high school. And one of the few scenes that I think came out really good (the film is so bad I can’t even bring myself to watch it nowadays) was the killing of one character in the school gym after everyone else had gone home. His death occurred mostly offscreen; we see the killer lunge at him and then I cut to some stationary shots of the empty gym, as we listen to his screams. So it’s not exactly Hitchcock, but I was pretty proud of it. Well, in Massacre, the exact same goddamn thing happens! There’s a little more blood (we used ketchup, and quite obviously so), but it ends the same way – screams over an empty basketball court. Weird. Then, toward the end of my film, two characters begin arguing over one of them forgetting to lock a door, something that ALSO occurs in Massacre (even the same line – “You didn’t lock it!” is used). Now again, there had been 12-13 years in between seeing Massacre and writing my movie, so I found this pretty strange.

Anyway, even without strange subconscious burn-in, the movie is pretty awesome. The fact that it was written, produced, and directed by women results in some great fun. They mock the rampant nudity in slasher films (at one point panning down and holding on a girl’s ass for no reason whatsoever, just long enough for an audience of intelligence to know it’s supposed to be a joke, not simply gratuitous), plus have a lot of fun at the expense of slasher clichés. For example, at one point a neighbor practically cuts one of the girls’ head off, parodying the odd way people in these movies approach one another (seriously, why does no one ever say “Hi” from a few feet away? Why always with the shoulder grabbing?). Plus, a lot of the dialogue is so random (“I don’t like her, she drinks too much milk!”) that even when there’s no slasher stuff going on, it’s a hoot.

Also, the film is unique (or at least, in the minority) in that there are actually TWO Final Girls. One of them is the one holding the party, who is obviously much nicer and less sexually active than her friends. But also, we have another girl who turned down an invite to the party, who lives next door. Both of them are given equal development time, and they each get a turn at the killer. The killer, by the way, is pretty memorable in his own right. He has no mask or any sort of costume, nor does he have any real reason to go after these girls. He’s silent for most of the film, but in his final scene or two he begins saying nonsense about being in love with the girl(s). And his power drill weapon is about as phallic as you can get in a slasher (at one point, the way he holds it between his legs is so blatantly “symbolic”, they might as well have just given him a dildo to fight with).

The film spawned 3 sequels, but I haven’t seen any of them. None of them are available from Blockbuster Online (I really need Netflix back), but they ARE on DVD. If they are even half as fun as the original, it’ll be worth my effort tracking them down. As long as you are aware right from the start that the film is supposed to be mocking the others of the era, I can’t imagine a slasher fan not having a blast with it. Hell, I even stayed awake for 95% of it, and for a movie at midnight, for ME, that is proof positive that the film knows how to entertain.

What say you?

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Comedic, Slasher,

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Penni Russon's "Undine"

Tasmania-born Penni Russon is the author of The Undine trilogy, published by Random House in Australian and Greenwillow in the US, a series of magical books set in Hobart’s streets and the surrounding bush and seascapes.

Here she shares some ideas about film adaptations of the novels:

When I first imagined Undine as a movie (which was as I was writing the book!) I pictured it as a live action, but my four year old has recently fallen deeply in love with anime – films like My Neighbour Totoro, Spirited Away and Whisper of the Heart. When I started watching these with Frederique I definitely thought that it would be a great way to make Undine into a film. The dialogue in Totoro is some of the best I've ever heard in a film, the spirit of childhood is so perfectly captured. I think the Tasmanian landscape would be inspirational to a film-maker and Tasmania and Japan have a special relationship, maybe because we both know what it's like to see your country as fractured into islands – an image of Australia that 'mainlanders' don't share.

So without further ado, here's the cast list, bearing in mind that because its animation, age doesn't matter so much!

Undine: Emilie de Ravin

Trout: Richard Wilson

Lou: Rachel Griffiths

Prospero: Sam Neill

Richard: Hmm … someone from an Aussie soap probably (but I don't watch soaps). But someone young and smooth.

Jasper: An undiscovered, yet brilliant, yet balanced and happy in himself child actor

Max: Audrey Tatou

Grunt: Heath Ledger

I've mostly chosen Australians with international starpower because I want the movie to make LOTS of money. But Trout is a local, the first time I saw Richard Wilson on an ABC Kids show called Out There I knew he was Trout, he has the right blend of geeky and funny and vulnerable and self-possessed. Heath Ledger is exactly the kind of Australian boy I was picturing Grunt to be. I love Emilie as Clare in Lost, I love that she can look little and breakable but powerful and resilient too – her facial features are just right for Undine, so the illustrators should model Undine on her. Rachel Griffiths looks nothing like Lou but she would make a great Lou, she's got the energy and the shades of darkness Lou needs. Audrey Tatou would give Max an air of mystery (and not just because she has an accent!). I chose Sam Neill for Prospero just because I'd like to meet him. But I think he'd be great.

The music by the way, would be mostly supplied by The Waifs. But Kate Rusby's song 'Who Now Will Sing Me Lullabies?' is Undine's song in Drift.

It feels very naughty and fun playing this game! Now I should go and do something sensible. Sigh.

Learn more about the author and her novels at Penni Russon's website and her blog, Eglantine's Cake.

The Page 69 Test: Penni Russon's Breathe.

--Marshal Zeringue

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Bloodlines (2007)

DECEMBER 1, 2007

GENRE: INDEPENDENT, SURVIVAL, WEIRD
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

There’s a scene early on in Bloodlines that pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the film. We are introduced to two characters just about to finish up what appears to be some exhausting and amazing sex. The guy obviously climaxes, and then the girl begins to kiss him. He is upset by this, and pushes her off. Then they begin to discuss his desire to have a kid, and she offers to be the mother. “That's disgusting”, he exclaims, “You’re my sister!” Hey-O!

Shockingly, that’s one of the less redneck-y moments in this delightfully trashy film. Granted, I wasn’t expecting much class about a movie that combines Fight Club with your standard “rednecks trying to breed” movie, but Christ. We find out one of the captured women is actually another one of the bad guy’s sisters, and at one point he threatens her with “another assblastin’!”; the GOOD GUY constantly refers to his sister as “Baby girl”; and best of all, the heroes have little discern for human life, as they wipe out what seems like an entire town of rednecks in graphic ways, despite none of them really doing anything wrong other than watch the fights between the captured women. This is kind of upsetting; I’d hate to think going to see some foxy boxing would end up getting me gutted by a mute named “Bear”.

Speaking of the kills, while the aftermath is gory, there is actually very little onscreen violence. We see the knife or arrow flying, then there’s a cut, and suddenly the weapon is inside the victim, and we see the blood. According to the IMDb (and pretty much everything on screen) the film cost less than 200k, so that’s probably why, but I’d rather they hired 2-3 less anonymous actors to play assorted redneck fodder and put the money toward some simple prosthetics.

Strangely, the film is presented anamorphic, but retains the 1.85:1 ratio. Usually, 1.85 films are blown up oh so slightly to fill the 1.78:1 size of an HDTV, but that’s not the case here, resulting in a miniscule black bar at the top and bottom. It was actually kind of distracting, but I’m glad that .07 of film that I would otherwise be missing was retained. Also, there’s a strange flicker over a lot of the footage in the first reel. I’m seen a lot of film processing errors but nothing like that. Weird.

The cover would have you believe that this one is more dark and serious, but they are ‘lying’. This one is possibly one of the best “Get totally drunk while you watch it with your buddies” movies I have seen all year. The total lack of discern for human life, the rampant incest, and just general redneck tone of the whole thing is fucking astounding (Christ, even on the commentary, the director points out how "A 6 pack can get you pretty far in the South."). It’s terrible, yes, but in that special sort of way you just don’t see enough of these days.

What say you?

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Independent, Survival, Weird,

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