American Werewolf In London

DECEMBER 9, 2007

GENRE: COMEDIC, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

There are two films that I think will shock my readers to realize I had never seen them. American Werewolf In London is one (sort of). The other is far more “Are you SERIOUS? NEVER?!?!?”-y, and I expect to be flogged when that day comes (the title will be the subject of an upcoming poll!). In London’s case, I had seen bits and pieces of it throughout the years, and thus knew the general gist of it all, but had never seen the entire thing in one sitting, and for every scene I knew, there were one or two others I didn’t.

As I’ve said several times, there are very few good werewolf movies. And now that I have seen this near perfect masterpiece in its entirety, that claim is even more true, for the ones I actually liked (such as Big Bad Wolf) are borderline shit when compared to this. It’s a shame Landis has more or less stepped away from horror (MoH episodes don’t count!), as this film proves he is one of the few filmmakers who successfully blend horror with comedy.

Rick Baker’s effects are terrific (the transformation scene comes out of nowhere!), and while a surprising number of kills occur offscreen, the “stalk” scenes before the kills are uniformly great, in particular the one in the subway where the wolf appears at the bottom of the escalator. And the initial attack scene is pretty suspenseful too. So the movie certainly succeeds as a straight horror film. BUT, it’s fucking hilarious too! I have a new entry in my “10 funniest lines in movie history” list. There’s a scene early on where the doctor gets a phone call, and his response is nothing short of brilliant. “I don’t want to talk to him. Tell him I died.” HAHAHAHAH oh man, if anyone ever called me I would totally use that in response.

I also liked the continuing friendship of the two guys. I wish they made it a little more ambiguous as to whether or not Jack was actually back from the dead, but oh well. There scenes together (with Jack becoming more and more decrepit with each scene) are the heart of the film, in my opinion, and the lack of this type of camaraderie was one of the many, many, MANY things that the sequel got wrong. And the Hammer style, epilogue-less ending was perfect, if a bit abrupt (I really thought there was another 10 minutes or so, but nope).

Sadly, the print (this was part of Edgar Wright’s festival in Los Angeles) was marred with some technical issues. The picture dropped out entirely twice (it otherwise looked fucking beautiful for a 26 year old film), and the 4th reel was all but totally drowned out by a mechanical noise. Bummer. And since it wasn’t the “real” night for the event (every double feature screens twice, but Edgar and special guests only appear on one of the nights), it wasn’t very crowded, which is always a big part of the fun. But then again, since I was technically seeing the film for the first time, I guess the quieter audience was a plus, as I didn’t have to “ssh” anyone so I could hear the dialogue everyone else knew by heart.

What say you?

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Comedic, Werewolf,

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Kristy Kiernan's "Catching Genius"

In March 2007 Kristy Kiernan applied the Page 69 Test to Catching Genius, her debut novel.

Here she develops some ideas for actors and director should the book be adapted for the movies:

When I go to a baby shower I know that when they pass me a roll of toilet paper I'm supposed to tear off however many squares I think will go around the mommy-to-be's belly. It's an expected party-game, and I know how to play it.

In much the same way, when I attend a book club function, I know that as soon as someone says "movie" I'm going to be asked to cast Catching Genius. Though it's an expected game, I haven't gotten nearly as good at it as I have the whole toilet paper/pregnant belly game.

The truth is I didn't have actors in mind when I wrote the book. I envisioned sisters Connie and Estella, their mother June, the men in their lives, Luke, Tate, and Paul, and Connie's sons, Gib and Carson as wholly original beings. But after so many conversations about who readers thought should play my characters, I admit that I have finally given it some serious thought.

For Connie, a mix of resentment and love on the edge of a dangerous boiling point, I like the idea of Robin Wright Penn. There's a lot of depth there that could be easy to overlook because of her beauty, just like Connie.

For Estella, the damaged math genius who made her own life the way she wanted it (or thought she did), come on, who else but Jodie Foster? That scary intelligence mixed with vulnerability? Perfect! Plus she has the right hair for it.

June, fiercely loving, but demanding and occasionally unsympathetic, with a shocking story about her past that she kept from her own daughters, I struggle with. I think Glenn Close comes, well, close, but I keep seeing Jane Seymour tilting her head, June's quasi-haughty move, just so and think she might be perfect.

Luke, perpetual man-boy, whose infidelity pushes Connie over the edge, has a lot of contenders in Hollywood, but there must be a sad quality there, too, a history that he can't escape, no matter how much money he has, or how many baristas he fools around with. Possibly Rob Lowe?

Paul, Estella's love, tall, rangy, gentle. Smells like wood shavings and varnish, dances with Estella standing on his feet so she doesn't have to touch the grout lines. He's lovely, isn't he? I'm thinking Anthony Edwards.

And Tate, oh, all the women do love Tate. He's got problems, there's no question there, but he knows what they are, he knows where they came from, and once in a while he even owns up to them. Plus he brings fresh seafood over all the time and can build a bonfire. We need someone a little rough around the edges, someone with calluses on his hands who might take off to the woods for three days with nothing but a pocketknife. Luke Wilson has a quiet strength I like for Tate.

Gib, the troubled teenaged son of Connie, infuriated with his father, uncertain of his mother, jealous of his younger brother. He's a good kid, but what's going to become of him? I think Jason Dolley, star of a series on the Disney channel, would be an interesting choice.

And sweet Carson, concerned about everyone around him, into jazz clarinet and composing, unaware that he's a little prodigy. Nathan Gamble from Babel has just the right look, the right voice.

And the director? Please, does anyone do dysfunctional better than Jodie Foster? Watch Home For The Holidays before you suggest another director. She is exquisitely talented and does sibling relationships beautifully.

Read an excerpt from Catching Genius.

Curious about the inspiration for Catching Genius? Read Kiernan's backstory.

Visit Kristy Kiernan's website. Her new novel, Matters of Faith, comes out in August 2008.

The Page 69 Test: Catching Genius.

--Marshal Zeringue

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It Is Fine. Everything Is Fine!

DECEMBER 8, 2007

GENRE: HERO KILLER, INDEPENDENT, PSYCHOLOGICAL, WEIRD
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (EVENT SCREENING)

Uh... um... the uh... yeah.

How can one review a film like It Is Fine. Everything Is Fine!? Any film directed by Crispin Glover is bound to be a bit strange, but this makes an average David Lynch film look like the epitome of mass appeal.

The film was written by its star, Steven Stewart, a man who suffered from cerebral palsy (and died from it a month after filming was complete). The fact that he wrote it should dispel any notion that Glover is exploiting him, but I’m sure some folks will still see it that way. Still, it doesn’t make the film any less uncomfortable to watch, especially when, about an hour into the film, we are shown Stewart being given oral pleasure (for real, not fake “head bobbing” style), shortly before he kills the girl by running her neck over with his wheelchair.

Oddly enough, a few years ago I suggested a film in which the villain was an actor who had downs syndrome or some sort of handicap. My feeling was (and still is) that they had just as much potential to be bad as anyone else in the world. The person I was talking to was quite offended by this notion. But she was (and still is) female, so it’s probably OK when Crispin Glover does it.

Glover finances the films (this is the 2nd part of a thematic trilogy, the first of which, What Is It, was finished a year or so ago after nearly a decade of production) with the money he makes from appearing in what he calls “corporate” films such as Charlie’s Angels. Which is pretty awesome, if you ask me (at least he’s honest), but on the flipside, it means that the film is shot in small chunks over a long period of time, without a lot of the resources one would usually have for a film. Unsurprisingly, this results in some technical issues (overly grainy footage, out of focus shots, etc), not to mention some fragmented storytelling (one character, played by Lauren German from Hostel II, disappears about 20 minutes before the end).

And, while it’s not exactly an issue, it should be noted that Stewart is often very difficult to understand and his dialogue is presented without subtitles (everyone in the film understands him perfectly, and usually it’s obvious what the gist of what he’s saying is). Glover, during his endurance test, er, Q&A (which lasted longer than the film itself), explained that putting subtitles would send the wrong message, and I agree. Still, a guy who watches a horror movie every day and eats pasta without sauce isn’t exactly the average person whose opinion you would want on such matters.

Glover has no plans to release these films on DVD; he likes to be in the audience and talk about them with everyone. So if you’re curious, check out his official website and see if he is coming around. The evening also comes with a signing and an hour or so of Glover reading some “books” he wrote, which are slide shows that don’t make any goddamn sense but are still more or less entertaining. If you like something different, you can’t do much better (or worse, depending on your POV) than this.

What say you?

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Hero Killer, Independent, Psychological, Weird,

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Sweeney Todd (2007)

DECEMBER 8, 2007

GENRE: HERO KILLER, MUSICAL
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (PRESS SCREENING)

It’s kind of weird when you think about it: Tim Burton is probably the most high profile director associated with the macabre, and yet only 3 of his films are rated R (and one of them is Ed Wood, which is only R for language). Sweeney Todd is the 3rd (after Wood and Sleepy Hollow), based on the musical that I never saw or probably ever will (sorry, Broadway, but lower your fucking prices! Or at least make the seats more comfortable).

As a film it certainly works better than other filmed versions of stage musicals (in particular Schumacher’s Phantom of the Opera, a film without almost anything that even approaches quality entertainment). The cast, with one exception, feels right at home both in the acting and the singing (Alan Rickman in particular – I listened to the stage version of “Pretty Women” and found the film version to be far superior). Also, the film doesn’t seem to stop cold for a song, which is a problem that plagues other musicals. Not every song is here (“The Ballad of Sweeney Todd” is one lamentable omission; at least, according to the people I have talked to who HAVE seen the musical. Maybe you should read their review instead of mine), and that’s a good thing: they seem like they are more focused on making a good film than making sure everything from the stage version is included.

The one cast member who seems a bit out of place is Sacha Baron Cohen as Pirelli. He’s not BAD, but his character is so cartoonish and loud that he sticks out like a sore thumb next to the rather dry and subdued black humor of the rest of the film. It doesn’t help that the audience I was with laughed every time he was in the shot, regardless of what he was doing. Granted, his presence cements the idea that the film isn’t supposed to be taken too seriously, but it still distracts. I’d rather they came up with a different way to get the purpose of his scenes across (Sweeney making his presence known on Fleet Street) that retained the tone of the rest of the film.

There’s also a very curious cameo by Anthony Stewart Head. Nothing I can find suggests he was ever in the stage version, and he’s not exactly the type of household name actor one would include for a cameo, so it’s very strange. He says one line and is never heard from again, nor is he credited. Whatever.

Like all musicals, some songs are better than others. "Pretty Women" was my favorite, though I also enjoyed "A Little Priest" and "Epiphany". Surprisingly, Burton did not employ frequent collaborator Danny Elfman to conduct the score (in fact this is only the 2nd film of Burton’s in which Elfman did not contribute). Again, having not seen the stage version I don’t know if the instrumental portions are the same in the film or if they are new, but either way I enjoyed them.

Finally, I should note the gore. It’s insane! There’s almost a dozen quite bloody throat slashings in the film, with the red stuff spraying all over the walls, other characters, and camera lens. Of course, the hypocrisy on display is lamentable (why can Tim Burton get away with it in an R rated film but not Adam Green?), but what can you do? Needless to say, any fear I had that the film couldn’t be considered a horror movie were quickly erased.

What say you?

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Hero Killer, Musical, Revenge,

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Last Man On Earth

DECEMBER 7, 2007

GENRE: BASED ON NOVEL, POST-APOCALYPTIC, VAMPIRE
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 2!!!)

What with I Am Legend hitting theaters next week, I thought I’d give a look at Last Man On Earth, the first adaptation of Richard Matheson’s novel. Also, like 90 readers suggested I watch it. I had always heard bad things about it, so I wasn’t exactly dying to see it, but as it turns out, it’s not all that bad.

However, it’s hard for me to buy Price as a hero. He just sounds too damn sinister. Later in the film, when he finds a fellow survivor, who can blame the poor broad for not wanting to trust him? He makes “I’m not going to hurt you!” sounds like the most threatening thing ever said. I wouldn’t trust him either. Maybe his grandson Jody, but not him.

The movie also offers a fake Peter Cushing.

Also, and it’s been a while since I’ve read the book so I can’t remember if it was the same, but I think it would work better if the flashbacks were separated and delivered in smaller chunks, Lost-style, rather than stopping the movie cold for a half an hour to explain away everything at once. This prevents any vampire action from occurring for far too long a time. Still, the flashback sequence does offer Price saying, quite matter of factly “Maybe it was because I was bitten by a bat...” (in response to his seeming immunity). Apparently, he was the only one ever bitten? But the way he says it is so hilarious (he might as well be saying “Maybe I should have roast for dinner.”), it buys the film another 10 minutes of momentum.

Also, the transfer is pretty ridic. Apparently it was taken from a TV airing. So the film’s 2.35:1 image is cropped, but the film is also windowboxed! And making things worse, the opening credits are either cropped out:

Or the image is stretched vertically so that they wouldn’t be cropped:

Christ. I might have to buy the regular DVD (there’s a new edition with a cover that ape the remake) just so I can watch the movie respectfully. They might as well have shot it with a camera during a screening.

I still haven’t seen Omega Man, though I understand it’s the least faithful of the three. Not that I really care. If you want the book, read the book.

What say you?

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Based On Novel, Post-Apocalyptic, Vampire,

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The Evil Of Frankenstein

DECEMBER 6, 2007

GENRE: BRITISH, MAD SCIENTIST, MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

You just can’t go wrong with Peter Cushing, as far as I’m concerned. Here we have what has to be the 90th Frankenstein movie I’ve watched this year, The Evil Of Frankenstein, and yet I was entertained throughout, never once bored even though nothing in the plot occurred that I hadn’t seen before.

I also now see where The Bride got the idea to combine shady circus folk with the Frankenstein story. The synopsis on the Hammer collection DVD sort of gives away the fact that a circus magician named Zoltan is the villain of the story (he only appears once in the first two acts of the film), so don’t read it, or this review, if you want to be surprised by the development. Oh, wait. Never mind. I should also point out that the title is misleading, Frankenstein is pretty much neutral in the film.

And the actor playing the monster is named Kiwi.

One thing that kind of bummed me out is that they recycled the Universal/Karloff makeup rather than come up with their own. It’s modified, obviously, but in wide shots, it’s kind of hard to tell the difference. Still, the early science lab scene is fantastic, with Cushing pumping a heart by hand while the usual sparks and electricity shower down around him (like a lot of Hammer films, the film is damn pretty to look at).

And, I know I mentioned it before, but I’ll say it again: I LOVE how Hammer films end. They end almost immediately once the bad guy has been dispatched. No need for a silly epilogue or set up for a sequel. This one in particular – with 1:10 left to go in the film; the monster is killed, leaving just enough time for the end credits. Yeah! Plague of the Zombies remains the best example, as the credits begin rolling literally one second after the explosion that kills all the zombies goes off. Love it.

This makes the 2nd Hammer sequel I have watched (after The Brides Of Dracula) to a film I had never seen, but it’s not exactly hard to follow. I assume that since Cushing is in both films, he didn’t die at the end of the first Hammer Frankenstein (called The Curse Of Frankenstein), so I guess it’s not entirely faithful to the book, but that’s fine. If it keeps Cushing around, all the better! I wish Hammer would release a box set of all their originals, instead of sequels and lesser known efforts. I think there’s a Region 2 one, maybe I’ll pick that up.

What say you?

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British, Hammer, Mad Scientist, Monster,

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Ice Spiders

DECEMBER 5, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, MAD SCIENTIST, MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Had I known that Ice Spiders was a goddamned Sci-Fi original movie, I wouldn’t have rented it. Granted, at some point I will run out of horror movies to watch if I keep this up, so I can’t exactly be choosy, but for the love of God, 99% of all Sci-Fi movies are the exact same goddamn thing anyway. And all the clues were there: rated R for “Creature violence” and nothing else (even a few damns and hells will get you a language note), a team of military guys figuring into the plot, and a running time that is just shy of 90 minutes. So I have only myself to blame, as it's only when they break out of this mold that they occasionally make something that is worth my while (like Headless Horseman, a film that I actually thought WASN'T a Sci-Fi original, since it was actually a lot of fun, but then I was (pretty rudely) corrected by my old pal Anonymous).

Still, I can’t help but be a little curious about a film that has not one, not two, but THREE Melrose Place alums in it. Patrick Muldoon (some guy that fucked Jane, if memory serves), Vanessa Williams (Rhonda: the first cast member to leave, if memory serves), and Thomas Calabro (Michael: the only cast member to remain with the show from pilot to finale, if memory serves) are all here, though Calabro and Muldoon don’t share any scenes together. Any one episode of Melrose was vastly more entertaining than this (except for maybe the ones when it first started, when everyone liked each other. Show got way more awesome once they all started fucking and/or killing one another), so it’s a shame they couldn’t bring some of its charm along. Nor can Muldoon, who was probably cast for the Starship Troopers connection more than anything else (his attempts at playing a burnout ski bum are atrocious and distracting), can’t be bothered to do anything as awesome as he did in that film (namely, getting his fucking brain sucked out).

The CG is occasionally decent; which leads me to believe that perhaps a few different FX houses worked on it, some clearly more concerned with the quality of their work than others. Here’s a few examples:

Not too bad at all.

Meh.

Are you fucking kidding me?

And once again, we have a shitty horror movie set at a ski resort. It is simply amazing how no one can manage to wring one iota of suspense when combining something as usually upsetting as a monster or a killer, in this case giant spiders (especially giant spiders that are still sort of tiny – it’s not like they are big enough to knock over skyscrapers), with skiing (one of the most dangerous sports ever when you think about it), but Ice Spiders joins Shredder and Iced in the bottom of the barrel. There’s an occasional moment of fun, such as when one moron skier plows directly into a spider that’s just finished eating a guy, but it’s nowhere near enough to save it from the tedium, horrible acting, laughable CG, annoying characters, etc.

Plus, they don’t even take advantage of something that I would think would be an obvious set piece. Skiers, shockingly enough, wear ski boots. Anyone who has ever skied knows what walking is like with these goddamn things on. So do they have a scene where a guy tries to run but is forced to do that weird stilted thing you call walking when you have the damn boots on? Nope. In fact, everyone seems to be wearing regular footwear, as they run constantly without any sort of problem. Dumbasses.

In all fairness, I would like to point out that this scene almost elevated the movie out of “Crap”. I must admit, I have never before seen someone wield a trophy in order to attack a badly composited spider. They don’t call them Sci-Fi “originals” for nothing I guess!

Also, the DVD is in 5.1 but all the sound is compressed into the front left and right. The surrounds don’t do shit. There’s a scene with a lot of machine gun fire and it sounds like it’s coming out of headphones. Fuck you movie, if you can’t even deliver that much.

For no reason I’d like to point out that yesterday’s movie (Ring Around The Rosie) had a trailer for Hostel and today’s movie has a trailer for Hostel 2. Everything is connected!!!

What say you?

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Crap, Mad Scientist, Monster,

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