Werewolf: The Devil's Hound

JANUARY 16, 2008

GENRE: COMEDIC, INDEPENDENT, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

I’ve just about had it up to here with Lion’s Gate’s blatant false advertising. While the non-zombie movie Rise of the Dead turned out to be so outstandingly fucked up that I was OK with the ruse, I am pretty annoyed that Werewolf: The Devil’s Hound is a goofy comedy and not the “gory and intense” movie the trailer tried to sell it as. Granted, the movie sucks either way, but they can at least sell it as a comedy if that’s what it actually is; I laugh at the notion that someone decides not to rent it because they think it will be too scary for them.

It seems that Connecticut is the bane of my existence. I’ve been in a sort of Cold War with the state for the past decade. The first time I ever drove through it, I got a speeding ticket for going, no lie, 68 in a 65. 240 bucks. A few years later I had a blowout courtesy of a rock in the road, and spent a good hour and a half on the side of the highway (no breakdown lane) waiting for AAA. Last month I was stranded there during a snowstorm and got another ticket for parking on the street during a storm (due to the fact that no off street parking was provided in the area I was in). Their drivers are also particularly bad; I have witnessed several driving 55 in the fast lane only to suddenly dart over 4 lanes to take an exit. So the fact that this movie seemingly revels in its CT origins didn’t help me get over the fact that this werewolf movie was more interested in an Eddie Deezen wannabe “hilariously” breaking props (the movie actually takes place in a movie pyrotechnics workshop) than telling an original story or having any sort of suspense.

Of course, even as a comedy the film is an utter failure, since it’s not funny, at least not to me, a man who doesn’t know the filmmakers or cast. Yes, I got a very strong sense that quite a few of the “comedic” moments are probably only funny to the filmmakers and their friends. I can’t quite explain it, but they just have that feel. They’re certainly not funny, at any rate. Why would a grown man pass the time in his own working location by dressing up as a ghost, running around and jumping off chairs? Why “Kwan with a K” speaking in horrendously matched German accented voice over during the finale? Why is the father kidnapped by UFOs at the end (complete with an anal probe joke – straight out of 1985!)? It’s not funny, it serves no storytelling purpose... it’s just dumb. But I’m sure they think it’s hilarious.

So is there anything positive to say about it? Sure. For an obviously WAY low budget affair, most of the effects (visual or practical) are decent, though the blood looks oddly pink in one scene. And the camerawork, while wholly ripped off from Evil Dead 2 and Shaun of the Dead, is frenetic, making the more boring scenes at least somewhat interesting to watch. Had it been shot on film instead of ugly DV (hopefully a budgetary limitation and not a personal choice) this would actually be a decent looking movie throughout (the script would still be worth less than piss, but hey).

Incidentally, the two funniest moments in the film (to me anyway) were wholly unintentional. In one, our Sam Rockwell-y hero goes to investigate a banging door. This is a horror movie staple, the door is usually an old screen door or something, banging in the wind. But here, the door is in fact a giant metal factory door, and it swings back and forth so unnaturally, I’m surprised they didn’t just show us the rope or guy actually making it move for another “joke”. In the other, a cop is discussing a victim who he believes has been run over, suggesting that the train “might have run her over a couple times”. Did it back up?

There’s only one special feature really, which is about the non-memorable music in the film. I guess if you liked the music it might be interesting. There’s also a commentary track which I shut off after 10 minutes, because it was boring as hell; the most interesting thing they divulged in that time is that the lead actor parted his hair differently in one shot (plus they say that Argento, Carpenter, and Romero were influences; none of which are even remotely apparent). They also claim that the film is part documentary simply because the shooting location really WAS a fireworks factory, but they don’t seem to be joking.

What say you?

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Comedic, Independent, Werewolf,

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Halloween: Unrated Director's Cut (2007)

JANUARY 15, 2008

GENRE: REMAKE, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (Sigh... OWN COLLECTION)

While HMAD sort of got ‘famous’ for posting a list of all the differences between the “workprint” and theatrical versions of Rob Zombie’s Halloween, I never actually reviewed that version. And I kind of feel bad about that, because in all honesty, it was a much better film in that form. It still suffered from major problems, but many of the things I disliked in the theatrical version were corrected, or at least improved, in the original version. With that in mind, I was actually looking forward to Rob’s official “Director’s Cut”, which was issued on DVD alongside the theatrical. But as it turns out, this version is, astonishingly enough, the WORST of the three.

Luckily, some of the “workprint” stuff has been re-inserted in the film, such as Michael following Laurie home after school (the only sort of “stalking” scene of merit in the entire film) and another scene with Udo Kier, rendering his cameo slightly less jarring. So folks who never saw the workprint version sort of luck out in these regard, as these scenes help the film. Unfortunately, Rob chose to go back to the original, awful version of Michael’s escape, which involves raping a female inmate and more general redneckery. The theatrical version (Michael kills a bunch of cameos, er, guards during a transfer) isn’t all that much better, but it’s at least consistent with the film’s ideas. This version sort of sets up Michael as a sympathetic antihero, who escaped because it was convenient at the time. But making the whole thing even STUPIDER, this version also has the Danny Trejo death scene (not in the workprint), which means Michael just sort of hung around the hospital long after he could have escaped so he could kill the film’s only sympathetic character. Fine, whatever.

Some stuff in this version wasn’t in either of the previous cuts (see the updated list for a fullish rundown of changes), but most of it is sort of superfluous, like an extra asylum “interview” in which no one speaks. One thing of note is some grainy super 16 footage, presumably shot by Loomis, of young Michael in a mask. During these quick inserts (there’s like 3 or 4 sprinkled into the asylum sequence), Loomis explains a bit about all of the masks Michael made, and these bits also help clarify how much time has passed. The only other “new” addition of note is a quick bit during the finale that proves that Loomis HAS in fact survived his injuries. This struck me as odd – when I interviewed Rob for the DVD release I asked if Loomis survived or not and he said that’s up to the producers. But now it’s pretty obvious he lives – a few minutes after Michael squishes his head, Loomis grabs at Michael from the floor, and then Michael just sort of brushes him off. While it’s sort of an OK addition, it also makes the brutally bad continuity error of Loomis’ head injuries all the more apparent, so if it’s NOT there to help explain that Loomis is indeed alive, why bother putting it in at all? Again, whatever.

Speaking of the ending, this version has the theatrical ending (though I never noticed before, you can see an out of focus cop, possibly Brackett, in the background while Loomis talks; a remnant of the previous, and superior ending). This ending is not only insanely overlong (Michael smashes the ceiling for what seems like a full 5 minutes), but it also once again puts the focus on Laurie, who is a non-character in the remake. She doesn’t appear until an hour into the film, and even then she’s not exactly front and center for the most part. If not for the fact that the NAME “Laurie Strode” is important to the Halloween legacy, the film gives absolutely no reason for us to really care about her any more than her annoying friends (or anyone else in the movie who is actually allowed more than one scene). In the workprint version, the film is more clearly about Michael and Loomis, but in the theatrical (and now, this “definitive”) cuts, the movie is about Michael and Loomis for one half, and Michael and Laurie for another.

A couple of the editing decisions that were made for the theatrical release remain correct. The truly stupid scene from the workprint where Lynda pours a drink all over a female classmate is nowhere to be seen, and Rob was wise to keep in the “color spectrum” scene that was absent from the workprint. Not that it’s a particular highlight of the film, but it lengthens the asylum stuff, which is not only the best segment of the film but also delays the point in time where Michael escapes, at which point all three versions of the film fall apart (to differing degrees).

Rob’s commentary isn’t particularly enlightening; he mentions the reshoots on occasion but doesn’t quite go into detail about them, nor does he pull a Michael Bay and start going off on the public reception (listen to the commentary for The Island – all of a sudden Bay begins ranting and raving about the box office gross, it’s fucking amazing). Instead, he just sort of discusses where each scene was shot and tells some humorous anecdotes about a few of the actors (apparently Danny Trejo didn’t like that he looked “like a bitch” as he was drowned). So I was a bit disappointed; I would have liked to have heard him be a bit defensive and talk about the genesis of his ideas. But still, I like listening to Rob speak, even if I disagree with some of his choices, and frankly I’d much rather listen to him talk about Pasadena shooting locations than Laurie talk about being molested by the hardware store owner.

So oh well. The last chance the movie had at working, but it ends up being the least effective. Like I’ve said all along, I wasn’t on the “hate” train with this movie; I like a lot of remakes and I like Rob’s other films. And there are a few scenes that I really enjoy, plus there are two good jump scares. But overall it just doesn’t work for me. Can’t say I haven’t tried – this makes the 6th time I have watched the film in some form (7 if you count the commentary viewing), which is more of a chance than I have given any other movie in history that I’ve disliked (and 7 more chances than most of the film’s hardcore detractors ever gave it). I even bought the damn thing; this wasn't a studio freebie (gee, wonder why they didn't want to give me one for free?). Let’s move on, shall we?

What say you?

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Halloween Series, Non Canon, Remake, Slasher,

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Lev Raphael's "The German Money"

Lev Raphael's books include the award-winning Dancing on Tisha B'Av, two novels about Holocaust survivors, Winter Eyes and The German Money, and a collection of Jewish memoirs and essays, Journeys & Arrivals.

Last year he applied the Page 69 Test to Hot Rocks, one of his Nick Hoffman mysteries.

Here he develops some ideas for a film adaptation of The German Money:

My novel The German Money is the story of three adult children of a Holocaust survivor dealing with the surprises of her Will after she dies unexpectedly. It's an intimate family drama interwoven with a mystery,with scenes and dialogue I would love to see on-screen, more than any other of my books. Writing is solitary, of course, but this book brought me a lot of contact with the world: because it was a Jewish Book Council pick, I toured Jewish Book Fairs in the US; the English publisher had me read in London and Glasgow, and the German publisher sent me on a two-week tour of Austria and Germany.

So I'm not surprised that someone's been doggedly been trying to make a movie out of it, and has come close twice to putting together a deal. That means I've had lots of time to think about casting, which also means dreaming of some of my favorite actors. Robert Downey, Jr. would make the perfect lead, playing Paul, a neurotic Jewish man fleeing his past. Rachel Weisz would be luminous as Valerie, the women he loves but abandoned, who's now a successful writer. For Simon, the bisexual screwed-up brother, Justin Kirk would have just the right look and energy, and Laura Linney, one of my favorite actresses, would be ideal as Paul and Simon's beautiful, cold, angry sister. I'm also thinking of how they'd look together, as well as their acting styles. The family friend with a pivotal role would have to be Olympia Dukakis.

And for the director, I'd want John Curran, who did an amazing job with the Andre Dubus stories that made up We Don't Live Here Anymore. Fun to fantasize about, but not as much fun as writing the next book, and the one after that....

Read more about The German Money and Lev Raphael at his website.

--Marshal Zeringue

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The Leopard Man

JANUARY 15, 2008

GENRE: PREDATOR, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: CABLE (TCM)

Just yesterday I was praising Turner Classic Movies (see?), and now I shall again. Although I heard about it a bit too late for the whole thing, last night they showed pretty much all of Val Lewton’s horror movies, along with a documentary about him, and I DVRed the hell out of the remainder of the marathon. The first I got was The Leopard Man, a film that sort of gives away its own ending in the title.

Yes, whenever someone dies in the movie, an escaped leopard is blamed. But the movie is called Leopard MAN after all, so you know it’s not that simple. Amusingly, the characters go at great lengths to blame only the poor leopard for the killings; both the guy who owned the thing and the graveyard keeper who locked one victim inside the graveyard (preventing her escape) are told they shouldn’t feel guilty. Yes they fucking should! Especially in the latter case, whether it’s a leopard or a man or a sandwich, the dude locked the poor broad inside, knowing that she was still in there! Asshole!

These scenes are quite good (especially the first one, where the girl is pleading for help and her bitch of a mother refuses to unlock the door, thinking she is faking her terror). Unfortunately, the in between scenes that focus on the rather melodramatic lives of rival cigarette girls (there’s a rare term) aren’t as interesting, because, well, I could care less about the romantic lives of rival cigarette girls. Presenting them in soap opera fashion certainly doesn’t help matters. However, since the movie is only 66 minutes long, there isn’t a lot of room for these type of scenes; not enough to kill the movie at any rate.

What IS almost enough to kill the movie is the sound of one of the girls’ rattles that she uses in her dancing routine. It’s annoying enough to listen to during the routine, but she pretty much plays with it in all of her scenes. Put the damn thing away!

According to delightfully dull TCM host Robert Osborne, this was the final collaboration between Val Lewton and Jacques Tourneur (the actual director; Lewton was just the producer), the other two being Cat People and I Walked With A Zombie (which are the two movies I missed). I’ve never heard much about the others I got, so it’s kind of a bummer that I missed out on the most famous of the bunch. Still, there were like eight movies in all (I think they basically just ran the DVD box set listed below), of which I got five (I also skipped the Cat People sequel, per my “go in order” rule) so expect to see more Lewton-centric reviews in the coming week or so. Hurrah for TCM! This helps me slow down how many discs I rent from Blockbuster Online... I think I am singlehandedly to blame for them jacking up the cost of their ‘Total Access’ program, which I have abused the hell out of since its inception. Sorry bout that.

What say you?

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Classic, Predator, Serial Killer,

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Pit And The Pendulum (1961)

JANUARY 14, 2008

GENRE: REVENGE
SOURCE: CABLE (TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES)

Man, good thing I caught Pit And The Pendulum on Turner Classic Movies (best non-premium movie channel ever!), where it was presented in letterbox format, and not on a Mill Creek budget pack, like many other Roger Corman movies I watch. Corman filled the frame in almost every shot, and I would hate to see it cropped. He might be known as a cheapskate, hack, etc, but damned if this movie doesn’t look great throughout.

Like a lot of Poe movies, the part that actually follows the short story is pretty much the finale, so the writers have come up with an hour or so of “prequel” in order to make a film (though I am guessing someone like Ti West, the master of padding, could take a 2-3 page Poe story and make an 80 minute film out of it without adding a goddamn thing). And the one they came up with is... strangely similar to the plot of the same team's House Of Usher, which came out the year before. Like that film, a guy arrives at a castle to question Vincent Price about the status of a shared loved one (this time it’s HIS sister/Price’s wife, whereas in Usher it was the other way around), leading to a lot of heated arguments and finally, an ending in which someone gets punched in a dungeon.

But it’s a lot of fun. Price gets to go all over the place in this one, from his usual smarmy creep, to a scared and disturbed grieving widow, and finally a madman who tries to kill everyone and manages to fail on all accounts (of his 3 intended victims, one falls to his own death, one escapes and the other is left forgotten inside a cage). The other lead, the guy who plays his brother-in-law, looks constipated throughout the film, and he’s pretty much a bore, but really, when you have Price around, why bother casting someone with any screen presence? It will all be vacuumed up by Price anyway. And Barbara Steele is also on hand, though not as much as I hoped given her billing prominence. She’s seen mainly in oddly colored, mute flashbacks throughout the film. In the finale she comes back and plays her usual whorish bitch of a woman, but it’s not enough. More Steele!

Speaking of the credits, Pendulum is a rare film that has the cast listed at the top of the film but none of the crew. I can see why you might not want to let an audience know right off the bat that they are about to watch a Roger Corman movie, but it’s still pretty odd, especially for the time period (in which, most of the time, they would list EVERYONE in the cast and crew at the beginning, and then just have THE END at the end, with maybe a single card for the cast). Corman probably just forgot to pay the credit titles guy.

What say you?

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Based On Novel, Revenge,

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Silk

JANUARY 13, 2008

GENRE: ASIAN, GHOST
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

Now that I’ve seen more than just a couple clunkers, I am starting to appreciate Asian horror a bit more. I don’t find them as particularly terrifying as I am told they are, but the past few I have watched have been engaging and, more importantly, made fucking sense. Silk (aka Guisi) is another that uses storytelling logic, and it is appreciated. In fact, this may be one of the most accessible J-horror films I have seen yet, especially of the ones dealing with, once again, vengeful ghosts.

This one sort of plays out like a Michael Crichton movie for a while. We have a team of scientists trying to solve some science-y problem, in this case anti-gravity, only all hell breaks loose. The horror elements are actually fairly light until the final 20 minutes or so, as most of the movie is devoted to explaining what they are trying to do and one of them following the little ghost kid around trying to solve his mystery (which, unsurprisingly, involves the usual untraditional burial). I liked this approach; since I don’t find the notion of a little Asian kid making weird sounds to be very scary, a film that uses this device every 5 minutes ends up annoying me. By sticking to the story and saving the scares for when they logically made sense, I ended up being more unsettled by the developments.

For the most part, the movie makes conventional sense, but some things were left a bit confusing. For example, the lead of the film is a cop who the scientists bring in because he can see “faster” than most people. But they all see the ghost, and the damn thing isn’t exactly running around (most of the time he’s just sitting there, in fact), so why do they need his super speedy eyes? Also, they are of the belief that understanding how this kid died will let them solve the mystery of anti-gravity? Sure, why not. I should note that, as always, since the film is subtitled and I like to actually look at the imagery, these things might have been explained in a quick line that I missed, so I dunno.

This film also contains the best use of beef noodles in a movie ever. One of the team says “I want beef noodles.” Later he repeats this desire, and leaves to get them. Then, a few minutes later, an unrelated scene is interrupted by him walking up to a clerk and ordering beef noodles, and once again a few scenes later they cut to him receiving his beef noodles (the waiter refers to them by name). At this point, we have heard the term BEEF NOODLES four times in about 10 minutes. So it comes as no surprise that the ghost climbs out of his bowl of beef noodles and chokes him to death. This results in the cook seeing the guy die (not the ghost), and then yelling “Who ever heard of dying from beef noodles!” It’s fucking delightful, and makes me want to eat beef noodles.

The DVD comes with a few deleted scenes and an alternate ending that provides a sort of Twilight Zone coda for one of the characters. Like The Descent, both endings work fine; one will leave you saying “you did that for nothing” and the other “you shouldn’t have done that!” I think the one you prefer will depend on how much you enjoy the concept of Schadenfreude. These scenes are presented in a variety of aspect ratios, waging war on my HDTV, but at least they’re worth watching. I should note that the subtitles on all the extra features are pretty clumsy, with numerous spelling (bizarre ones like “devivery”) and grammar errors, plus they are way out of sync on the making of featurette (the subs on the film itself are done well).

Strangely, this one has no remake in development, as far as I know. Maybe Hollywood, for once, exercised good judgment, knowing that the film is perfectly accessible as is (hell, the first scene is in English!) and doesn’t need one, but come on. They probably just don’t know what could substitute for beef noodles.

What say you?

(p.s. I thought this one was recommended by a reader, but I couldn’t find it on the recommendation thread. So if you recommended it, thanks!)

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Asian, Ghost,

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Non Canon Review: Demons (1985)

JANUARY 13, 2008

GENRE: ITALIAN, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

I like that I have now gone to see revival screenings of Demons twice at the same theater, and both times I have slept through more or less the exact same parts. In fact, along with falling asleep watching it at home about two years ago, it's been so long since I've seen the whole thing that I can no longer remember how the 4 cokehead characters die. I miss it every single time.

That is not a blight on the film though. Midnight = BC goes to sleep. I actually saw more of it than I expected this time, since I was pretty close to nodding off before the damn thing even started. Being the New Beverly, the film was almost an hour late starting. In fact, they are currently remodeling the theater, and my friend commented "Maybe they will buy a new clock." Since I was half asleep and a tad buzzed, this was the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Anyway, like I was saying, it's not that I don't like the movie. Quite the contrary, it is one of my favorite Italian horror movies. Seeing it in a theater only adds to the fun. The character of Tony (aka the black pimp dude) is one of the most delightful assholes ever put into a film. There's a scene where he's just yelling at everyone to stop being lazy, and it looks like he's about to have a heart attack. The fact that he's not really doing anything makes it breathtaking. And then he gets eaten (though this doesn't stop him from being in Demons 2 as a guy with a different name but who is otherwise the exact same guy). My other favorite character is the middle aged guy who's such a cheapskate that he takes his wife to a free movie screening for their anniversary. I'm sure I'll eventually do the same goddamn thing, but I doubt I'll randomly yell out "WHORES! You can tell them a mile away!" during the evening.

Of course, one of the most baffling moments in cinematic history occurs in this film, when a helicopter suddenly falls through the ceiling of the theater, allowing our heroes to escape. There's Deus Ex Machinas, and then there's this helicopter, somewhere above it. On the commentary track, someone asks Lamberto Bava what is going on, and he's like "I don't know". Hahahaha, oh man. Love.

I also like that the movie features the first (and, as far as you know, last) villainous free movie pass guy in a film. Anyone familiar with these folks (in LA you see them more often than you see your own friends) can appreciate the notion that any one of them are one "no thanks!" away from going apeshit and trying to kill you on a roof while wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask.

You may have noticed that I have labeled this movie a zombie film. What else would you call it? The "demons" become that way when they are bitten by another demon, and they gather in groups and attack folks in a gory fashion. That's a zombie movie, as far as Horror Movie A Day genre labeling is concerned.

The fact that I don't own this (or the sequel, which I like almost as much) on DVD sort of upsets me. I need to fix that. But if you have never seen it, I strongly urge you to do so as soon as possible, and if you ever get the chance to see it in a theater, then there should be no reason for you not to attend. It's not often you find yourself in a theater watching a movie about people going to see a movie, and even less often you see that movie with some terrible dubbing and a strangely American soundtrack.

What say you?

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Italian, Non Canon, Zombie,

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