Doomed

OCTOBER 25, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: CABLE (TMC)

Where were you when you saw the absolute worst zombie movie of all time? I know where I was: on my couch, earlier today. The movie is called Doomed, and even the info capsule from the network described it as “drivel”. You know a movie is bad when the cable company is basically telling you not to watch it. But when have I ever been smart with my movie-watching decisions? Christ, I fucking PAID to see Captivity.

It’s almost admirable how fucking awful this movie is. You think Boll's House of the Dead was horrendous? That’s a lost Romero film compared to this. The zombie scenes are horrible, and every single one of them is the same. Like the WWE film The Condemned, our cast is made up of a bunch of criminals who are competing in a “Winner take all” survival reality show, with the winner being given a pardon. The entire movie breaks down like this: someone reluctantly teams up with another person, they find a gun or water or something, one of them backstabs the other, suddenly a bunch of horrible looking zombies run out of nowhere and kill one, then usually the other a few minutes later. Not one scene has any sort of buildup or suspense; everything just sort of happens. Narrative cohesion is completely tossed aside; even with constant screen graphics showing the characters’ location on the island, it is never even remotely apparent where anyone is in relation to the others, nor do the zombies seem to come from anywhere in particular.

Gore? None. Every single death is also the same – four zombies (it seems to always be four) surround and close in on a character. The character screams as the screen goes fuzzy, then a graphic reading “TERMINATED” appears. Occasionally the humans fight one another as well (the first 5 minutes is pretty much just two guys we haven’t met yet whaling on each other on a beach), though these scenes are just as bad/boring as the zombie ones, if not worse. And forget about character – the film doesn’t even bother making one character innocent of his crimes, as is standard for any film about a bunch of prisoners. They simply provide screen graphics with their names, crimes, and sentences (which are all pretty extreme – one guy got life for piracy and hacking!), and that is the extent of their backstory. If the zombie action was nonstop, it would be forgiveable, but there’s maybe 15 minutes’ worth of the undead, and again, they are entirely without gore (I don’t think we even see a single person actually bit on screen).

We can only assume that everything in the film that we are seeing is from the point of view of the camera(s) for the reality show, as after they are introduced, we never see a single camera again. This is fine, because the one time we see them, they are horrible CG creations. There are also CG televisions and occasional “blood” splatters courtesy of whoever had After Effects running. But the worst use comes near the end, when they have an honest to god CGI VENTILATION GRATE. I am totally serious. A guy says “we go through there!” and he points to a grate that isn’t even remotely believable. So let’s get this straight – you take what has to be the least interesting object in the world, and make it on a computer, instead of just filming a real one (of which there are dozens in probably any building in existence), and you can’t even be bothered to make the thing look real. Amazing.

There’s also a running theme of the film trying to appear high-tech, but using only sound. Throughout the island are little “Survival packages” that contain weapons and supplies. These are standard trunks made of wood/wicker, yet whenever someone opens them, we hear beeps and boops, as if they were opening some sort of computerized briefcase. Also, a guy pretends to hit buttons on a keypad to open a door, when it’s plainly visible that there IS no keypad there.

Oh and for no reason I can discern, whenever there’s a fight scene, we get quick freeze frames that say things like “Body Blow – 250 points!” Best I can tell, there is no point system implemented into the alleged game they are playing, so what the hell the point of these distractions are is beyond me. Even dumber, they go by so quick you can’t even read them unless you pause. So why bother putting them in at all? Probably just to slow the film down a bit – even with these nonsensical freezes, not to mention a lengthy end credits sequence, the film is only 77 minutes long.

I implore you not to watch this piece of shit. Ordinarily I would assume that the filmmakers were just soulless assholes, or folks with severe mental deficiencies, but the fact that they actually work in a Romero homage suggests otherwise. They ARE aware of good zombie movies, they just don’t care to make one themselves.

What say you?

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Crap, Zombie,

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Allen Wyler's "Deadly Errors"

Allen Wyler is a neurosurgeon and author of two thrillers, Deadly Errors and Dead Head.

Deadly Errors has been translated into several European languages. Originally published as a hardcover, it will be re-release in April 2008 as a mass market paperback. Here’s what the author has to say about a film adaptation of the novel:

Apparently, after listening to how other writers build their stories, I do mine backasswards. Meaning, instead of building the story around the character I start with the core idea and then figure out the ending, then work backwards outlining a series of scenes that logically lead up to the climax. Once this is done, I decide the actual location for each scene and photograph them with my digital camera so I can view the picture as I write.

Once this stage is reached, I ask, “Now, what about the characters?” I visualize actors who fit my characters’ physical attributes and then I begin creating their quirks and mannerisms.

So basically, I don’t do the film-to-book thing (or vice versa) until I’m ready to leave the outline stage and actually start writing. Only then do I develop each scene as I see the film play out.

Deadly Errors employs four main characters:

I envision Dermot Mulroney playing the main character and protagonist, Tyler Mathews, a neurosurgeon piecing his life back together after being falsely accused of drug abuse. Once he discovers that a flaw in the medical center’s new computerized records system is causing patient deaths and he tries to report this, he finds himself fighting for his life.

Jill Richardson, the beautiful VP of Risk Management for Maynard Medical Center (and female lead) could be played nicely by Rosamund Pike. Her allegiances remain ambiguous (is she helping Tyler or one of the enemy) until a scene leading up to the climax.

Arthur Benson is Maynard Medical Center’s CEO and ultimately the person responsible for covering up the problems with the computer. I believe Jeremy Piven would be a perfect fit for him.

Finally, there is Bernie Levy, the Bill Gates wannabe who coded the flawed computer program. Guy Pearce would fit the bill well.

Read more about Deadly Errors at Allen Wyler's website.

The Page 69 Test: Dead Head.

--Marshal Zeringue

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October Extras # 24 - Saw (2004)

OCTOBER 24, 2007

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)
LAST SEEN: NOVEMBER 2004 (THEATRICAL)

Like being green, it’s not easy to review a film like Saw. On one hand, it’s a clever, well-written, mostly original horror movie with a truly great villain (even if we never really see him in this one) that helped bring “hardcore” horror back, paving the way for Hostel, the Hills remake, etc, not to mention stateside releases of UK films like The Descent and High Tension. On the other hand, it contains some truly bad editing and some of the worst acting ever seen in a theatrical film.

Let’s get the bad out of the way, since the good luckily outweighs it. Cary Elwes and Leigh Whannell start off OK enough (the first 15 minutes are the best in the film, as they solve some simple puzzles, working together. It’s a great opening), but their final few scenes are jaw-droppingly atrocious. I don’t know what it is, the rest of the actors are fine (I’ve even warmed to Danny Glover’s over the top performance), so it’s not that James Wan is like George Lucas, incapable of getting good performances out of otherwise dependable actors. And while I can’t speak for Whannell, I know Elwes (who resembles John Morghen himself in this film) will never win an Oscar, but he’s at least usually believable. Maybe he was too busy thinking about how he was going to sue them over his salary. If anything, they should sue him for nearly killing their film.

There’s also some questionable ramped up editing segments (particularly the ‘car chase’ near the end) that do not work at all. Amanda’s flashback is OK enough, but the guy crawling around the broken glass covered in flammable gel looks like something out of Tool’s "Sober" video. Luckily, this style was more or less weeded out in the sequels.

I also remain puzzled as to how 2001 and missile defense systems fit into Jigsaw’s plans:

Otherwise it’s solid. Whannell’s script is quite clever and pretty unique, and it’s pretty unfair that some dismiss the film as “torture porn” when it A. has a pretty complex story, where the kills DO in fact serve the narrative, and B. has only about 5 minutes of violence in the entire film (most of it self-inflicted, to a degree). I also enjoy how they play with the audience’s understanding of time (something the 2nd film was more or less built upon). Besides, I can’t recall another movie “Killer” whose motive was trying to get folks to appreciate their life (though I do have a vague memory of someone pointing out a predecessor in this category – anyone? Or am I confusing it with someone else?). Also, the way the film is layered is equally impressive, giving earlier scenes another meaning when watching the film a 2nd time (an effect somewhat diminished by all the flashbacks to them, but still). And Charlie Clouser’s score is incredible (as are his scores for Wan’s subsequent films, in particular Death Sentence).

Also, it’s been so long since I saw the film that I had forgotten (well, actually, never “knew”) that Ben Linus/Henry Gale himself plays the red herring killer! Oh Lost, when the fuck will you come back (editor - February).

I have the two-disc DVD, and haven’t gone through any of the extras (other than the short film, which Wan edited himself, which I wish he did on the feature). As I am watching all 3 films to prepare for the 4th, I think I’ll be pretty “Saw”ed out, but if anyone has suggestions for the rest of the extras (i.e. NOT the cast and crew sitting around talking about how much they love working with one another) let me know, I’ll try to find time. Otherwise, it’ll probably be years before I revisit it again. Damn time and my constant lack of it! Maybe next year I’ll do “Horror Movie DVD Extras A Day”

What say you?

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October Extras, Saw, Serial Killer, Survival,

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Someone's Watching Me!

OCTOBER 24, 2007

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER, WEIRD
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Despite being my favorite filmmaker, I’ve never gotten around to seeing either of John Carpenter’s TV movies. Elvis is still not available on DVD and bootleg copies are said to be atrocious in quality, so that’s OK, but I even owned Somebody’s Watching Me! on a bootleg for a while, and STILL never watched it until today (on the newly released DVD, which came with the Twisted Terror Collection). As it turns out, I really wasn’t missing much.

Granted a TV movie doesn’t hold much promise, but Wes Craven’s Invitation To Hell was a lot of fun, and since Halloween only had to lose some nudity in order to be fit for national broadcast, there was no reason to believe that this couldn’t at least be a good, if not great, effort from the days when Carpenter actually gave a shit.

But it’s mostly a bore. There aren’t many characters, and since we know Lauren Hutton will survive, it doesn’t really give the film much to do until the climax. So instead we get lots of not very interesting phone calls, Hutton palling around with Adrienne Barbeau (playing a lesbian, which I think had to have been pretty rare on national TV in the 70s), developing a relationship with a guy we know isn’t the killer, etc. In addition to Barbeau, Charles Cyphers shows up, giving the film some much needed additional true Carpenter feel (the film isn’t even shot 2.35:1, which is pretty much standard for Carpenter; even the additional scenes he shot for the TV broadcast of Halloween were shot in Panavision), but it’s not enough to elevate this above any generic Lifetime movie.

That is, with the exception of the borderline mentally unstable actions that Hutton commits during the film, particularly in her introduction. Her dialogue, and her character in general, is mind-bogglingly awkward. Upon looking to rent an apartment, she makes up a story involving her mother dating an aluminum siding salesman (?); when she meets a guy she tells him that she’s afraid of being raped by dwarves (??); plus she has a habit of talking/singing to herself at all times, often making puzzling comments throughout these monologues as well (calling her TV “Cyclops”, daydreaming about her new boss being 80 years old and hitting on her...). It’s just fucking weird, to the point of being genuinely upsetting. Shouldn’t this woman be getting some help, instead of building telescopes and getting her friends killed??

Yes, poor Barbeau gets murdered when trying to help Hutton discover the identity of her stalker. It would be sad anyway, but Barbeau’s character was offered a job in another state earlier in the film, and Hutton talked her out of it. What the hell kind of friend is so selfish that they would put their own insecurities over their friends’ financial and career wellbeing? Even if she DIDN’T get killed, Hutton should be ashamed of herself!

One thing I dug about the film – its Hammer style ending. Like a lot of Hammer films, the movie ends exactly when the killer dies. We don’t need a wrapup, we don’t need to see her moving into a new building, or anything like that. Killer’s dead, movie’s over. It’s even more refreshing being from Carpenter, who ended nearly all his films on an ambiguous note (ironically frustrating, given his hatred of sequels).

It’s certainly not a bad movie, but you gotta wonder why, AFTER Halloween, Carpenter would bother with this sort of thing. Nowadays it wouldn’t seem strange, but back then he was truly a master of horror/suspense, and this certainly doesn’t have any evidence to support it.

What say you?

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Carpenter, Serial Killer, Television, Weird,

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October Extras # 23 - Horrors Of Spider Island

OCTOBER 23, 2007

GENRE: MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!!!)
LAST SEEN: 2004 (MST3K)

Like Track of the Moon Beast, today’s October Extra is one I have both seen several times and never at all. Horrors Of Spider Island was one of the last episodes in the 10th (final) season of Mystery Science Theater, and it was a particular gem. With some exceptions, the monster movies always seemed to be funnier than the crime dramas and such that a lot of episodes featured (the one with Angel’s Revenge is a completely unfunny episode, as is the 10th season’s odd German version of Hamlet).

Of course, again, this one’s funny even without Mike, Servo, and Crow riffing along with the film. But it also contains several important lessons/tidbits that any living man, woman, or child should know:

• If you need to foreshadow a plane’s engine burning out, cut to a giant wave.
• The quickest way to Singapore from Los Angeles is through New York.
• When bitten by a giant spider, men will turn into hairier men.
• If a plane catches fire and loses radio contact, there is “no reason to fear the worst”.
• Excessive heat will cause men to cheat on their girlfriends.
• Whistling can keep women from being afraid.
• Models have to be told when to sleep and drink.

Actually that last one might really be true.

What say you?

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Chilling Classics, Monster, October Extras,

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Dementia 13

OCTOBER 23, 2007

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 2!!!)

I was going to start my Dementia 13 review by quoting MST3k: “Smokey says, only YOU can prevent Roger Corman!”, but then I got déjà vu, so I checked and sure enough, I already began a review with that (for Bucket of Blood). I guess I am running out of ideas. Or MST3k quotes.

This movie is memorable for two things. One: it’s Francis Ford Coppola’s first movie, and possibly his only genuine horror movie with the exception of Jack (Dracula is more a costume design/art direction showcase with occasional blood splatter). Two: It has a prologue with a psychiatrist testing you to see if your mental health is strong enough to see the film. Well that part isn’t on this DVD, of course (this IS Mill Creek after all). But I assume I would have passed the test; it wasn’t very frightening and I’m a good guesser. However, perhaps AFTER watching the film I would be found insane, unless there’s a better clinical term for “Sick of watching movies about people pretending that loved ones are coming back to life in order to scam them out of an inheritance”.

Christ, how many goddamn movies in the 1960s had this scenario? It seems like I’ve watched like 5 of them already this year (The Ghost, Paranoiac, to name a two). It wasn’t very interesting the first time, and it’s not interesting now. This one also rips from Psycho, particularly in killing the assumed lead halfway through. In fact, the movie is pretty gory for its time (1963), so I will give it that, but it doesn’t really make the film any more interesting.

As you may have noticed, this one comes from Budget Pack 2 (aka 50 Horror Classics), as I am just about done with my beloved Chilling Classics set. Looking at the descriptions, I notice that they put a lot more effort into these little plot summaries than they did on the Chilling set. But on the flipside, the running times are not included, which is a bummer as I often choose my movie based on how much time I have to watch it at work. Since they are all old (some of them date back to the 20s), I can assume there wont be many of more than 90 minutes (this one was like 75), but if any of my fellow budget pack enthusiasts know of any really short ones off hand, please provide the titles. Those are key for busy days when I am finding it difficult to make time for my daily horror movie.

Also, the audio balance on this movie was skewed way to the right. When I watch a Corman film, I want the absolute best possible presentation!!!

What say you?

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Horror Classics, Psychological, Revenge,

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October Extras #22 - Severance

OCTOBER 22, 2007

GENRE: BREAKDOWN, BRITISH, COMEDIC, SLASHER, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)
LAST SEEN: JANUARY 2007 (PRESS SCREENING)

Man, I love Severance, and I am really bummed it didn’t open wider. It’s a perfectly enjoyable comedy/horror movie, and I think it would have gone over well with American audiences, despite its British origins.

Also, Laura Harris is nonsensically cute.

This movie had a lot of laugh out loud moments for me, though the horror scenes are done just as well. I wasn’t a huge fan of Christopher Smith’s previous film, Creep, but I could see he had talent as a director. Which is probably why this one, which was written by James Moran (with additional writing from Smith), turned out so much better. I don’t know who wrote the funniest lines (“You found a pie?”) but whoever it was deserves an award for some of this stuff. There’s a scene where everyone is understandably panicked due to seeing a masked man outside their window, and one character says “OK, you and Jill go up the hill...”, at which point he stops and giggles to himself about his unintentional reference. Stuff like that kills me, and there are plenty of similar dry jokes throughout the film.

One of my favorite things on South Park is when they introduce a ridiculous concept that everyone assumes to be one of Cartman’s lies, and it turns out to be true. For example: when he is convinced Kyle carries a key around his neck that unlocks a chest full of “Jew Gold”, or when he tells Token that he can play bass simply because he is black. Well Severance has a few of these as well (non-racist ones in fact!), and they were just as funny the 2nd time around (the bear!!!). I’m not sure if there’s a particular name for this type of joke, but damned if I don’t wish there was a lot more of it in movies/TV. Some of the humor goes a little too far into broad territory (particularly during the dinner scene where everyone offers a theory as to the history of the lodge they are staying in), but luckily it’s usually restrained and thus funnier.

As for the horror (and action – the last 20 minutes of the film are more Rambo than Eye See You), the film is just as well done. Smith stages some terrific gore gags (not always mixed with comedy), and even elicits a genuine scare or two in these sequences. My only real concern was the sheer AMOUNT of bad guys that are introduced near the end. It seemed a bit much, though luckily the film has earned so much goodwill at that point that it was easy to forgive.

This hit DVD last week or so, and I didn’t even know about it. Like its theatrical run, it had very little promotion, which is a damn shame. I urge you all to check it out at your earliest convenience, as it’s a rare horror-comedy that works in both categories.

Also, again, Laura Harris is ridiculously cute.

What say you?

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Breakdown, British, Comedic, October Extras, Slasher, Survival,

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