Rise: Blood Hunter (2007)

NOVEMBER 17, 2007

GENRE: VAMPIRE
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Have you seen Innocent Blood? Good, you’ve also seen Rise: Blood Hunter. The differences are barely worth mentioning, but since I already wrote a Blood review, I guess I gotta write something. Far be it from me to be lazy (despite the fact that the only reason I rented the movie at all was because it was right next to another movie that I was renting called Rise Of The Dead).

Yes, the film offers precious little new to the genre: a female vampire (Lucy Liu) who doesn’t WANT to be a vampire begrudgingly teams up with a cop who thinks she’s just a killer in order to take out a group of bad guys. Some flashbacks add a bit of brain work add muted interest to the proceedings, but it’s not enough to really make it stick out.

Two things DO stick out though. One is the film’s excessive length. 122 minutes for a movie with barely any plot other than what I described above? At first I was baffled by the claim that 25 minutes of never before seen footage was added to the film, since I thought it was direct to DVD, but apparently it played for a week or so last June (so, along with Fido, was I even fucking awake in June? Christ). By my math, that would make the theatrical version a much more manageable 97 minutes, though I couldn’t care less about what was removed/added. I’ll just say, if the 97 minute version IS available, I urge you to stick with that, the added stuff can’t possibly have made the film any better.

The other thing that caught my attention was the ridiculous amount of one scene turns in the film by people who are relatively well-known, but aren’t quite yet in the cameo stage of their careers. Marilyn Manson and Robert Forster are one thing (actually, two), but Elden Henson? Holt McCallany? Zach Gilford? Simon Fucking Rex? According to the IMDb, Nick Lachey also shows up, but I can’t place him. Not to mention how little Michael Chiklis, Carla Gugino, and Mako are in the film. No, this is almost all Liu, all the time, and since she’s really not that great of an actress, that’s kind of a bummer. At least offer more Gugino, you monsters!

Dammit Saracen, get out of this crap and back on the field!

I will point out that the film thankfully includes very few instances of Liu being all "grrrl"ish, nor does she seemingly hate every character with a penis for no reason (at least not as much compared to Tank Girl or whatever). I was talking the other day with a (female) friend about how much we wish that more action/horror films with females in the lead functioned more as actual movies of their genre and less as feminist fantasy. So in that department, for what it's worth, it does OK enough.

I dunno. Technically the film is fine, and there are nice set pieces here and there, but damned if I’ll remember a goddamn thing about it by the time I finish posting this review.

What say you?

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Vampire,

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Bad Taste (1988)

NOVEMBER 16, 2007

GENRE: ALIEN, COMEDIC, INDEPENDENT
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!!!)

One of the biggest surprise titles on the Chilling Classics set was Peter Jackson’s debut film, Bad Taste. Like Deep Red and Driller Killer, it was a film I had actually heard of before, due to the fact that it wasn’t a public domain curio from the 70s like 90% of the rest of the set. And unlike some of the other “big” titles, it didn’t seem to be an edited version. Obviously I didn’t remember much about the film from the one time I saw it back in high school, or else it wouldn’t be eligible for HMAD, but the gore seems intact and the running time is the same, so it’s kind of puzzling how Mill Creek got it on there.

Anyway, like Evil Dead, the film is a bittersweet reminder of how inventive and borderline insane the director used to be. Considering that the opening weekend of any of the LOTR films outgrossed all of Jackson’s other films combined, I think it’s not entirely ignorant to assume I was one of the few people going to see Fellowship because I was a fan of the director, not the material. While not bad films by any means, I much prefer his older films, where the inventiveness and sheer joy of making films was evident in every frame. Sure, the visuals in LOTR and Kong (a film I barely like at all) are spectacular, but it will always be more impressed with a well done beheading in a film that cost about 10 grand than to see a dinosaur in a film that cost 200 million.

Yet it took 15 years for him to win an Oscar.

Plus the movie is just funny as hell. The scene where Jackson (playing one of two characters) runs around shooting aliens while making the "Neh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh" sound of the machine gun is just one of many laugh out loud moments. There’s also some brilliant off-kilter dialogue (“We are here to fight any threat to the planet Earth!” “And the moon!”). And of course, the gore itself is played for laughs. Fuck, the movie is just fun. As was Dead Alive, and Meet The Feebles, and even The Frighteners for the most part. Then he got all serious and shit. Now he’s making a movie about a 13 year old who gets raped and killed. Yay?

Like Raimi, it’s great that Jackson has gone from making movies with his friends, for no money, in his backyard, to helming the biggest films of all time, but damn if I don’t wish they would return to their roots every now and then. His Hollywood films might be flawless in their presentation, but technical wizardry doesn’t replace genuine inventiveness.

I should also note that this marks the end of my affair with the Chilling Classics set. You may notice that there are only 45 reviews for the 50 film set, but Medusa, Death Rage, War of the Robots, and The Bloody Brood contain no horror elements whatsoever, and Legend of Big Foot is a documentary. I think it was just about exactly one year ago that I bought this little bundle of joy, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t kind of sad to be ‘retiring’ it. While nothing ever matched the amazingness of Cathy’s Curse or Scream Bloody Murder (two of the earliest selections), I was almost always entertained with the films, if not for the intended reasons, and I can only hope that Horror Classics and Decrepit Crypt sets will live up to Chilling’s legacy.

RIP Chilling Classics: November 2006 – November 2007.

What say you?

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Alien, Chilling Classics, Comedic, Independent,

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Little Shop Of Horrors (1960)

NOVEMBER 15, 2007

GENRE: COMEDIC, HERO KILLER, MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 2!!!)

One of my favorite movies growing up was the musical version of Little Shop Of Horrors. I had the film taped off of HBO (complete with the “Feature Presentation” music, which I still “miss” when I watch the film on DVD), as well as the soundtrack, which used to bug me because some of the songs were different. I even went to a stage production in Massachusetts a few years back. Yet, it took me like 20 years to finally see the source film.

I was surprised how much I enjoyed the 1960 version. Notoriously shot in only 2 days, I think the movie’s pretty well done, considering. I miss the songs (the dentist just isn’t as hilarious without “You’ll be a DENNNNNNNNTIST!”), and obviously the climax isn’t as exciting, but it more than makes up for it in black humor and just plain weird nonsense that finds its way into the film.

Principal among the film’s strange highlights is Dick Miller’s character. He plays a guy who eats flowers as if it was the most natural thing in the world. When Seymour brings up his new project plant, Miller tries to entice Mushnick to let Seymour display the plant in the shop, beginning his argument with “I’ve eaten in flower shops all over the world...”. Then, a bit later, he exits a scene by claiming he has to get home, for his wife “is making gardenias for dinner.” Hahahah what? Awesome.

The film is very similar in structure to A Bucket of Blood, complete with an ending in which our “hero” is chased for a bit before becoming part of the very thing he became known for in the first place. But what do you expect from Corman? It’s a wonder he didn’t use the same set.

MST3k fans might like to know that Mike Nelson has recorded a commentary for this film, on the DVD released via Legend Films. I have bought a few of his other releases (Plan 9, Night of the Living Dead, Reefer Madness, etc) and for whatever reason, they aren’t nearly as funny as his Rifftrax commentaries. So I haven’t checked this one out yet, but I am sure I will someday. If anyone reading this has already done so, let me know how it is, maybe I’ll fast-track it.

Also, I’d like to mention that I do a damn good rendition of “Suddenly Seymour” if I do say so my damn self.

What say you?

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Comedic, Hero Killer, Horror Classics, Monster,

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Virus (1980)

NOVEMBER 14, 2007

GENRE: POST-APOCALYPTIC
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!!!)

Well, I think it’s safe to say that I will never stretch the term “Horror” as much as I did for today’s movie, Virus (like everything else in existence, do not confuse it for the 1998 Jamie Lee Curtis movie set on a boat haunted by robotic spiders). While it certainly SOUNDS horror-y, in reality, other than the somewhat scary notion of the end of the world, this isn’t a horror movie at all. No, it’s more a sci-fi version of Fail Safe or something, with most of the film played out in rooms with lots and lots of cranky old men.

That said, it’s actually a pretty decent movie. We follow the stories of several different groups of characters, many of them played by old school genre faves like George Kennedy and Robert Vaughn. Hell, even Sonny Chiba shows up. True, they are mostly just standing around talking while the unknown/minor stars do all the action stuff, but hey, what are you gonna do?

What was surprising about the film was how much of a downer it is. President Pa Kent and his staff die like 20 min into the movie, and by the end just about everything and everyone else is dead too, giving the film TWO armageddons, so to speak. Also, it’s amazing what stats are given for the survivors: “855 men, and 8 women.” Of course, for the women, this means an incredibly varied selection from whom they can begin repopulating the world, but for the guys – that’s fucking HARSH.

Messiest Oval Office ever.

Apparently, close to 50 min of the film has been removed for this version, most of it dealing with Japan. I would like to see the whole version of the film, not to mention in widescreen format, since the pan and scan job was atrocious at times (see below).

It’s far from a great film, but it’s certainly one of the more professional films in the set. Also, it’s pretty eerie that, in a montage of major cities and their death tolls (displayed onscreen with the lamest titles I’ve ever seen in a film), New York’s number is shown in a shot that begins with a closeup of the World Trade Center.

Favorite line of dialogue: “You gave me a goddamn PLACEBO?!?!?”, yelled by one of the film’s many crusty old guys. Man, I really am gonna miss the Chilling Classics set.

What say you?

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Post-Apocalyptic,

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Billie Livingston's "Cease to Blush"

Billie Livingston is a fiction writer, poet, and sometime essayist. Born in Hamilton, Ontario, she grew up in Toronto and Vancouver, and has since lived in Tokyo, Hamburg, Munich and London, England. Her first employment was filling the dairy coolers in a Macs Milk. She went on to work varying lengths of time as a file clerk, receptionist, cocktail waitress, model, actor, chocolate sampler, and booth host at a plumber's convention. She lives in Vancouver.

Livingston is the author of two novels and a book of poetry. She has been shortlisted for the Journey Prize for fiction and the Pat Lowther Award for best book of poetry by a Canadian woman.

I asked who she would like to see cast in a film adaptation of her latest novel, Cease to Blush. Her reply:

When I’m in the middle of a book, I use my crow brain a lot. I take pictures of things and places so I can load them onto my laptop and refer to them as I write; I scribble down strangers’ conversations and stick their words in my characters’ mouths. Actors are easy to swipe because they’re always hanging around on my TV so I often make them act out what’s in my head to see if it will work or not.

When I was writing Cease to Blush, Angelina Jolie’s public and film personas often came to mind for the book’s narrator, Vivian. Especially a few years ago, Jolie seemed to be a bit of a train wreck, a flamboyantly rebellious and self-destructive woman yet one who had an obvious native intelligence and a scared, swollen heart. Every move she made struck me as a big F.U. to the world. That’s Vivian all over.

Vivian’s guy Frank is a little tougher to cast. Book reviewers often referred to Frank as the “sleazy” or “creepy” boyfriend but I would say Frank is just your average jerk. He’s is a bit of a gluttonous good-time Charlie who wants whatever he can get away with, but deep down he’s a lover not monster. Jack Nicholson in about 1972 would have made a really good Frank. Vince Vaughn might work. But he would have to play it straight, not goofy. Maybe Mark Ruffalo.

Cease to Blush deals with Vivian’s discovery that her recently deceased mother, Josie, was a burlesque dancer in the 1960s who went by the name Celia Dare and was rumored to have had affairs with Bobby Kennedy and Johnny Rosselli (the mobster who once ran Vegas and Los Angeles). For Bobby Kennedy, I would love to haul William Devane out of 1976 and drop him into it. Johnny Rosselli was known in his circle as “Don Juan” and “The Silver Fox” in the 50s and 60s. George Clooney perhaps? Ol’ George would be pleasantly weird casting since Josie/Celia Dare burlesques Rosemary Clooney, crooning “Come On a My House” whilst stripping in a San Francisco coffee house. Ol’ Clooney is probably a little young though and not the right temperament. Ray Liotta would likely be more in the right direction.

For the Josie/Celia Dare part, I’d need a twenty-something woman who could sing and dance — someone charismatic with the capacity to play from 16 years old to about 28. Emily Blunt might be up to the task. She can act and she’s been singing with Michael Bublé lately. But can she dance?

And last but perhaps most crucial, Annie West, the ballsy burlesque stripper from California would have to be Shirley MacLaine. If I could splice time, I would love for 1960s MacLaine to play Annie as a young stripper and contemporary MacLaine to play old but still ferocious Annie.

Read more about the author and her books at the official Billie Livingston website.

--Marshal Zeringue

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Black Sabbath (1963)

NOVEMBER 13, 2007

GENRE: ANTHOLOGY, ITALIAN
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

I was going to watch Scream, Bloody Murder today, but as is often the case, Blockbuster sent me the 1970s movie with the same name, which I had already watched (and wouldn’t mind watching again, truth be told, that movie was awesome!). I don’t know why they can’t get their “doubled” titles straight, but it happens every single time. I can only hope that somewhere, someone wanted to watch the original SBM (maybe even based on my recommendation!) and got the low budget slasher from a few years’ back. And that they send it back, pronto. So, short story shorter, I watched Mario Bava’s Black Sabbath (aka I Tre Volti Della Paura) instead.

Granted, it’s an anthology movie, so I wasn’t expecting much, but it was pretty OK for the most part. The final story is terribly weak compared to the others, and much shorter than those to boot. What I liked most about the first two tales is that they didn’t feel rushed, like many anthology movie stories do. The middle tale, The Wurdalak, almost feels feature length (it’s like almost 50 minutes worth of the 92 minute movie!), and since it also co-stars Boris Karloff, is the best.

Karloff also provides the film’s bookend sequences, and I must admit, there’s something kind of odd about watching a guy speak English, which is then dubbed into Italian and given English subtitles. Anyway, in the first scene he’s apparently on the same stage that Walt Disney used to pal around with Mickey Mouse on, then at the end he is riding a horse as obvious fake trees rush by. Bava then reveals that it’s SUPPOSED to be fake, as the camera zooms out to reveal that Karloff is more or less playing himself on a sound stage.

Yeah, fine. Whatever.

I am puzzled as to why I have thus far been sort of underwhelmed with the Bava films I have seen. While none of have been BAD by any means, I must admit I was expecting more enjoyment out of them than I have had so far. I love his son’s films, and I love (his would be successor) Argento’s films, so I don’t know what the fuck my problem is. The only one I’ve been truly struck by is Shock, and that’s like half Lamberto’s movie I guess.

At any rate, I believe this finishes off the Bava Volume 1 set (at least as far as HMAD is concerned; there’s a Viking movie on there that I assume cannot qualify as a horror movie), which is good because I already got Volume 2 and I was supposed to review it for Bloody Disgusting like a month ago (let’s hope Anchor Bay calls it even with me for sending me the Hatchet prizes a full two months after the contest ended). That, coupled with my recent canceling of Netflix, means there might be a lot of Bava coming your way!!!

What say you?

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Anthology, Italian,

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Monkey Shines (1988)

NOVEMBER 12, 2007

GENRE: PREDATOR, PSYCHOLOGICAL
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

While Dawn of the Dead is one of my favorite all time movies (not just horror) and I pretty much love the shit out of the other four in the series, I have seen relatively few of Romero’s other films. I saw Dark Half as a kid, don’t remember a damn thing about it (future HMAD entry!), and obviously I've seen Creepshow, but otherwise I’ve somehow missed everything else. And my desire to watch something that might actually be good led to finally taking in a viewing of Monkey Shines, which I bought a while back and never watched until now.

It’s a bit too long, but otherwise it’s a really solid, creepy film. Everyone knows monkeys will eventually kill us all, so to see one slowly go nuts and take out the close friends and family of one crippled dude is as terrifying as it is prophetic. Plus, the damn thing is so cute (the part where the monkey turns off the lights so the guy is forced to stop reading and pay attention to her is ridiculously lovable), even when it’s killing folks I’m still going “Awwwww” every 5 minutes.

OK, the movie's kind of weird.

Lots of they-weren't-yet familiar faces in this one too (it came out in 1988). Stanley Tucci plays an oily prick of a doctor (his reaction to being introduced to the main guy’s coach is pretty priceless), Stephen Root shows up as a rival scientist, and Janine Turner (mmm) plays the main dude’s girlfriend, who leaves him for Tucci and, obviously, is immolated by a primate for her actions.

The only thing I didn’t like about the film was the music. It usually seems to contradict the scenes it accompanies. For example, during the suspenseful and freaky climax, the score suggests romantic comedy more than anything else. Maybe this is an intentional joke, but if so it doesn’t really work.

It’s a shame Romero didn’t get to make more films in his prime, as he was always the victim of projects falling apart (usually for financial reasons) just before production was due to begin. He’s always been one of the genre’s more intelligent and interesting filmmakers, which of course, is probably why many of his films failed at the box office (including this one). The DVD is bare bones, of course, but I still recommend it.

What say you?

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Based On Novel, Predator, Psychological,

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